A Complete Sucker: the Cophetua Complex

 "He is a sucker, a complete sucker for any needy woman. A complete sucker!" My wife repeated the indictment against me several times, as in a  chant or a prayer, with considerable emphasis on "sucker."  My daughter, who is always protective of me, nodded her head in quiet, serious, reluctant agreement. My son-in-law laughed heartily as he also repeated, with evident sympathy: "Ouch! Ouch! Oh No! Ouch! Ouch!" My plea:  "Guilty as charged!"

"I had no idea whatever of falling in love with her.  For one thing, she was beautiful, and beautiful women, especially if they are intelligent, arouse within me a deep feeling of inferiority. I don't know if psychologists have yet named the Cophetua complex, but I have always found it hard to feel sexual desire without some sense of superiority, mental or physical."  Maurice Bendix, protagonist-narrator in Graham Greene's The End of the Affair.

Fabled African King Cophetua was strangely free of any sexual attraction until one day he looked out his window and saw a beautiful, very poor beggar woman, Penelophon, on the street below. He  fell madly in love with her; ran down; told her he wanted to marry her or he would kill himself. She consented. They lived many years happily together and were much loved by their people.

More than 75 years after Greene's rumination about the "Cophetua Complex,"  it remains unknown in psychology but is evident to anyone with an interest in masculine psychology and sexuality. I asked my high school religion class of 17-18 year old girls what they looked for in a man partner. They surprised me:  he must be intelligent; he must make me laugh. I doubt many 18 year old males pine for an intelligent comedienne. It is not that we men do not cherish and enjoy, in women, intelligence, humor, character, confidence, status, agency, accomplishment, faith and spirituality. Such are integral to friendship and marriage, but such are not ordinarily romantic triggers. On the contrary, very many of us sympathize with the Greene protagonist: we feel inferior in the presence of such a woman, and therefore romantically disinclined. It is not unusual to meet a young woman whose outer beauty is excelled by her inner loveliness and yet she remains unattached: she is intimidating.

Obviously, this is in part male insecurity. But only in part. The argument here is that in normal, even wholesome masculine sexuality there is a passionate romantic-emotional-sexual response to a woman in need, a woman who has to be rescued. It is analogous to the ordinary response of women to babies: they coo and want to hold and caress the little one. The oxytocin surges. Something similar happens for the man faced with a woman at risk, in danger, in need. Paternal impulses are engaged; combined with attraction they become explosive. A man wants to be a hero. And wants to rescue the princess. 

In the movie The Firm, Tom Cruise,  very happily married, is employed by a law firm from hell. Away on a business trip on an exotic island, his mentor (Gene Hackman, of happy memory) invites him out for a few drinks and women. He declines, faithful to his wife. Walking quietly along the beach he hears a woman screaming and intervenes; the rapist flees. She is terrified and he walks her home. She asks that he stay with her a while as she is still frightened. She is petite, adorable. She seduces him; pictures are taken and used by the firm to blackmail and control him. This is a good man and a good husband. But the combination of needy, fragile, vulnerable, and beautiful woman is almost impossible to resist. I thought, upon watching this drama, the choice for fidelity and chastity would require, for most of us, a divine intervention, a blatant, powerful actual grace.  

Similarly, in Someone to Watch Over Me, Tom Berrenger plays a happily married NYPD detective assigned to protect a gorgeous socialite witness to a murder who is targeted by the gangster. Her life is at risk. She has a jerk of a boyfriend but no other positive male figures such as brother, father, friend, etc. Of course she falls for him; and he for her. Again, in the natural realm, which is also the arena of sin (world, flesh, devil), he is without defense. The combination of beauty and frailty is irresistible. The Cophetua complex is engaged; very powerful!

About half a century ago, when many priests left to marry, I noted with interest that often it was a needy woman, rather than a beautiful, talented, intelligent or accomplished woman that won his heart. The same nurturing, generous impulses that brought him into the priesthood led him out as he counseled a damsel in distress.

The chemistry here is the commingling of sexual attraction with paternal instincts...the urge to protect the fragile and vulnerable...that is so explosive. If the woman has, in addition to beauty and vulnerability, interior riches (feminine, maternal generosity; intelligence; humor; candor; courage; religious faith, etc.) than the male will be entirely captivated. 

Then there is the dark, even demonic side of the Cophetua syndrome. Some years ago, my then-JAG-lawyer son called me, more distraught and troubled than I have ever seen him, before or since. For months he had been preparing a rape prosecution case. Much work with the victim! The day before trial begins, at a preliminary hearing, he is with an expert sent down from the Pentagon to assist. The accused entered the room and the victim fell completely to pieces. The expert whispered: our case is done; it will be impossible to prosecute. It seems the victim and accused had a close friendship: the older man as mentor to the younger woman. Was the perpetrator from the beginning a calculating, grooming predator? Or did a genuine fraternal or paternal tenderness turn dark? Under the influence of alcohol?

The predator senses in the beggar woman, who is weak, powerless, bereft of social and personal resources, a vulnerable victim. The sexual aggressor is skilled in detecting and grooming the weak. Most of us men behavior properly most of the time, in spite of the raging libidinal fires within, for many reasons: social disapproval, voice of conscience, reverence for feminine virtue, and other. Not least of these is the intuition that the desired woman has power, stature, confidence and will not tolerate an indecent gesture or proposal.  The woman who is poor...not well connected and low in confidence...presents a strong temptation to the lustful man.

Considering all this, we see wisdom in old fashioned taboos and boundaries: for example, priests and married men avoid private and compromising situations with women. Such rules are largely discarded. They are worth reconsidering. A relative freedom is possible, however, when all involved know that the man is strong in his state of life, marriage or priesthood or vowed. The Cophetua inclination, in itself wholesome, if vulnerable to corruption, can be expressed fruitfully where precautions and vigilance are in place. 

On the woman's side, we see something analogous: the maternal inclination to nurture a man who is weak. On its own, of course, this is inadequate for a solid friendship or marriage. A healthy marriage, especially, builds upon many foundations: romantic/erotic attraction, friendship in things that are good, emotional maturity, moral character, Christlike agapic love, support of family/community, and religious faith. Part of this rich recipe is a good dose of paternal and maternal tenderness for each other. The husband is strong when the wife is weak; the wife strong when the husband is weak. Ideally, there is a fluid, creative dance between the two: a basic equality in partnership, along with a sensitivity and mutuality in deference, agency, receptivity and tenderness. That is why Cophetua and Penelophon delighted their people and lived happily ever after!

"Heat" the Movie: Masculine Agon, Loneliness and Intimacy

It's not me, Babe,

No, No, No it's not me Babe,

It's not me you're looking for Babe.  Bob Dylan  

Home alone last night, I indulged in 174 minutes of a real guy movie: "Heat." I knew Pacino and De Niro, both in their prime, could not disappoint. I was not prepared for a tour de force, a masterpiece! This rates with The Godfather, Goodfellas, and A Bronx Tale; but deeper in insight, sensitivity and poignancy.

Hard criminal De Niro and obsessed detective Pacino, long before they meet, recognize in each other their equal. They are mirror, mimetic rivals: tough, smart, aggressive masters of their respective universes. It is a classical cat-and-mouse game, but unusually well done. They are doubles, almost doppelgangers, of each other. Which is why they know they must kill each other.

Exactly half way through the movie (which lasts almost 3 hours but feels like 5 minutes) they sit across from each other over a coffee in a dinner. It might be the best dialogue in any movie ever. They eye each other. Quiet. An indescribable feeling of awe. I am tempted to say mystically, they know each other, without words. Their facial expressions; the tone of voice. I cannot describe it. They speak a few words, but each is deep and true and penetrating. They reverence each other. A profound, mutual, virile affection. They know they will battle to kill each other. It is calm; sober; reverent. The plot prior to the coffee leads up to it; the plot after flows from it. This is classic male agon: rivalry, combat, warfare.

About it: a virile sobriety. In this age of the therapeutic and narcissistic, this is not about feelings. Not personal. This is business. They agree: De Niro does scores; Pacino chases bad guys. Not personal. No resentment, hurt feelings, victims. The cold objectivity of  a Supreme Court Judge; of the Catholic sacraments; of the magisterium of the Church; of a good 12-step meeting. Like NBA athletes who clobber each other furiously on the court but then enjoy jokes and drinks later. Like Lee and Grant and their generals at Appomattox: after years of killing each other, old friends from West Point, they are gracious, congenial, respectful and affectionate. Like dealings between management and union at UPS where I worked for 25 years. Company and union leaders both came up from the ranks: same class, culture, types. As son of a union organizer and nephew of a slew of union men, I respected my antagonists. We competed, but within a framework of objective rules and rubrics: the contract. When, according to the contract, I was wrong, I was wrong. Cut and dry. Nothing personal! No human resource involvement; no intersectionality; no victim groups; no hurt feelings. Objective. Sober.

The Dualistic Male World

Every man, from adolescence, lives in two worlds: that of home, mother, wife, family; and the outside arena of competition/teamwork, achievement/failure, life/death, win/lose. Every man knows this intuitively. A woman does not, emotionally, understand this. This includes: sports, fights, argument, politics, war, cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians, crime gangs, culture war, geopolitics, spiritual combat, ad infinitum. Few movies capture so well the asymmetry, the dissonance between the two worlds as does Heat.

In the best case scenario, of course, the man triumphs in his arena of competition, becomes a "made man," and returns home, a hero (however modest) to provide and protect his cherished wife and family. But things often go awry. There are men who develop double lives: devoted husband and secretly a hit man, a spy, an active homosexual, a compulsive gambler or serial killer. My maternal uncle was an affectionate, if eccentric husband/father, a disorganized businessman and secretly an intelligence agent in South America.

In the small world of my own large extended family, over 40 marriages, almost all emulate (not my uncle, but) my father: respectable achievement in the arena but primacy given to family. This makes for stable families, happy wives and thriving children. There is another type of man, not necessarily better or worse, who loves family but is drawn strongly to some engagement in the world. This can be business, sports, politics, crime, scholarship, medicine, ministry or mission. On the positive side, these are great men of history, heroes, martyrs, often generous souls. But this is difficult, if not impossible, for the bride or wife. This can occur, more rarely, with women: read the heart-rending biography of Dorothy Day (Beauty Will Save the World) by her granddaughter Kate Hennessey. Such men will most probably fail in romance or marriage. Exceptional successes include when the wife has herself abundant personal/communal resources or herself shares in the man's purpose. The women in Heat were not so fortunate.

Female Roles in Heat

Generally, most gangster/crime movies are straight-up guy things: the women marginal as sexual/romantic interests or wives, suffering/saintly/victimized. Heat is exceptional. Four romances: each rich with mutual tenderness, reverence, longing, and finally tragedy. The women (including Ashley Judd and Amy Brenneman) are interesting characters, radiant with feminine warmth, charm, intelligence, strength, appeal and character. All four are doomed from the start: the males are entirely committed to the life of crime or police work. This is especially clear with the Pacino character: he is ruining his third marriage when his wife sadly tells him: "I get the leftovers; your heart goes always first to your work." He agrees. He cannot help himself. At a climatic, nerve wracking moment towards the end, De Niro is driving,  with lots of money and his beautiful girlfriend who is crazy about him, away from his life of crime to paradise in the Pacific; but you know he simply cannot keep himself from settling a final score.

(Aside:  this is some of the Catholic wisdom in requiring celibacy of our priests. Their work is so important that it must be the priority; the wife and children would have to be secondary. The sacrament of orders and matrimony are each so demanding that they cannot tolerate each other. This suggests a fundamental self-contradiction in the permanent married diaconate. And so, the Catholic husband always knows that his first and final loyalty is to his wife: not his mission, or profession, or cause, or mother, or even children! The Catholic husband who feeds the hungry, or kills the bad guys, or wins the war, but neglects wife and children will be ill prepared for final judgment (i.e. retribution 😃).

Male Loneliness and Intimacy

The co-protagonists are deeply lonely men. They are so evenly matched that neither can be demoted to antagonist. I found myself rooting more for the "bad guy" De Niro. Possibly because he is  always a favorite of mine. Possibly because Pacino is agitated, restless, frenzied (as in Scarface and Devils'Advocate) while De Niro is quiet, calm, brooding, and profoundly sad in a striking virility. In their contrasting ways, each is constitutionally incapable of permanence in union with a woman.

Their real love is for each other, strangely, that they engage, defeat, and thus somehow psychically incorporate the other. The entire movie is moving inexorably to the final combat. We know blood and death are inevitable. We don't know exactly how.  The ending may be the best ever in any movie: unexpected, surprising, but it makes complete sense. No spoiler here. I will just say that the ending, in a tiny gesture, epitomizes the toughness and tenderness of masculinity.

A subordinate theme, especially for the De Niro character, is the fraternal loyalty among the criminal buddies. John Voigt and Val Kilmer, partners and prison buddies of De Niro, give performances that would have stolen the movie if the main actors were anyone other than these two. As often in such mob movies, there is stirring code of loyalty here. These men would and do die for each other.

This is, finally, a love story. Primarily, between the co-protagonists who are inexorably drawn to engage each other in mortal combat. Secondly, among the friends in crime whose loyalty to each other is eventually stronger than their longing for the love of a woman and family. And finally, the futile and tragic craving of man and woman for each other in a world afire with masculine agon.

Another Aside:  The Catholic priesthood is inversely mirrored in the quasi-celibacy of the detective and criminals. Their wholehearted devotion to crime-fighting or crime mirrors the priests devotion to the work of Christ. The fraternity which they share with each other, but not with a woman, is likewise a mirror of priestly brotherhood. The difference: the celibate, masculine priesthood is a participation in the masculinity of Christ, which is heroic even as it is spousal in its love for the bridal Church. At its best, Catholic priesthood is both uber-masculine and fully/fruitfully spousal and paternal

Final Aside: The reflection here may shed some light on the strange, troubling, entirely camouflaged loneliness of President Donald Trump. He is deeply alone and isolated. He has no close friends. His relationship with Melania seems to be cold and distant. On the other hand, he has a bizarre infatuation with Putin. He is remembered by high school classmates as the guy who always had a "trophy girlfriend." This "trophy" phenomenon suggests a desperate attempt to secure male approval (affection) along with an indifference or even aversion to the woman herself. This sheds light on their marriage. But also on his emotive idealization of the vile Putin. Masculine in his physicality, Trump seems to harbor homosexual cravings, not corporal, but emotional.

Gratitude...for Mentors

I surge with gratitude and awe...as I consider my theological mentors.

Joseph Whelan S.J., mystic theologian who taught me theology of prayer and the Catholic mystics.

Avery Cardinal Dulles S.J., quintessential Catholic theologian as Catholic, comprehensive, deep, loyal, filial, humble, prayerful, judicious, brilliant. Taught me fundamental theology.

St. John Paul II, my hero. THE HERO of our time.

Pope Benedict: incomparable theologian and catechist. Humble, holy, brilliant.

David L. Schindler and his colleagues who gave us "Balthasar for Americans."

Ralph Martin and others in the Catholic Charismatic Renewal.

Also: Ivan Illich, Etienne Gilson, Jacques Maritain, Graham Green, Dorothy Day, Bill W., and Kiko Arguello. 

As the firstborn son of nine, I never had an older brother or sister. But the Lord provided a hundredfold:

Pat Williams, John Rapinich, John Wrynn S.J., Neil Dougherty S.J., Fr. Paul Viale, Brother Ray Murphy, Merryl Jacobson, Fr. Tim Tighe. 

Betty Hopf, Sister Joan Noreen, Sister Virginia Keane, Sister Patricia Brennan, Sister Maria Martha Joyce.

(If you are counting, that is four Jesuits and three Charities of Convent Station.)

I stand on the shoulders of giants!

Glory to God in all his holy and wise ones!