The Over-Load on Marriage

We expect way too much from marriage...from our spouse. Marriage is immensely overloaded with expectations. None of us can live up to what is expected. The first problem is the "Romantic Fantasy"...the pernicious, pervasive illusion that there is that someone special out there that can make me happy, make me whole, fulfill me. And so we expect SO much from romantic and marital relationships.  The problem develops when we look exclusively or primarily to our spouse for most of our emotional needs. Ironically, some us with high marriage ideals, including traditional Catholics and devotees of the "nuptial mysticism" of St. John Paul II, are even more vulnerable to disappointment, discouragement and resentment since we expect so much of ourselves and the spouse. And so, a good start is to lower our expectations and be realistic about marriage. Even more than that, we need to know what I learned in Kiko's Neocatechumenal Way: I am called to love my enemy and my greatest enemy, the one who hurts and disappointments and betrays me is always...my spouse. And so I need to be ready continually to forgive her. Even worse, I am her worse enemy so I need to be always ready to ask forgiveness, to humble myself and make my amends. Husband and wife need to be on their knees together asking our Lord to repair the harm we do each other. A second solution is to expand our families: the small, nuclear family of mom, dad, child and dog is a terrible idea. We need more people around us: uncles and aunts, cousins, grandparents, friends. And this needs to go beyond blood: our children need many "aunts," "uncles" and "cousins" who are really part of the family but not necessarily by blood. Our families need to be open, pourous, expansive, and missionary. Moral theologian David McCarthy of Mount St. Mary's, Emmetsburg Maryland,  has written especially well on this. Thirdly, a major contributor to the overload on marriage is the deconstruction of gender that largely defines modernity. Every man, and every woman,  needs to satisfy most of his (or her) emotional needs through a strong network of same-sex  friendships. This is where each of us can quell our loneliness and gain a sense of solidarity, community and quiet bonding. Filled with confidence and peace from this font of intimacy, we come to each other as spouses with an overflowing generosity rather than a desperate neediness.  In traditional societies, the men and women are segregated and effortlessly find such bonding: the men are hunting, shepherding or fishing  and the women are joined with each other in the care of the young, the sick, the elderly and of the home. There is a natural, fluid, effortless community and intimacy. And so, at night when husband and wife retire to their bedroom, they have spent most of their day in satisfying community and friendship. Modernity deconstructs gender...male and female...and makes us into androgynous, monadic units of consumption and production...replaceable by each other. Led by militant feminism, the sexual revolution viciously destroyed most of the environments in which men as men, or women as women, can be together. And so, the typical spouses return from the dog-eat-dog world of achievement/competition starving for affection and comfort. They look to each other...and are inevitably disappointed. And so, we need to rebuild networks of man-to-man and woman-to-woman bonding. Lastly, but most importantly, we must ever remember with St. Augustine that "our hearts are restless until they rest in you O Lord!" The primal, foundational loneliness in each of us is...deep down...the longing for intimacy with our dear Lord. Our primal, foundational marriage is our baptismal union with Christ. As we deepen this union, with help of our spouse and brothers/sisters, our marriages and all our relationships will flourish, realistically and soberly.