Man Meets Woman

I have explained the masculine life itinerary as a vigorous, adventurous journey from the secure, encompassing womb of the mother through virile companionship and competition into the arms of our heavenly Father. I identified four pivotal dramatic transitions which are repeatedly enacted in every man's life: the handing over of the mother to the father in early childhood (classic oedipal resolution) in which the child establishes affectionate union with Dad and a relative release of dependency upon Mom; then there is identification with the other boys in competition and comraderie; thirdly, by adolescence there are secondary fathers (teachers, priests, coaches,) who provide a compensating, additional mentorship; and lastly each man must go into the desert, without any support or help, to do spiritual combat and depend on God alone. This narrative is accurate and correct but one-sided and could be understood as misogynist in that it fails to recognize the rich, complex, profound and miraculous ways in which virility is elicited by the feminine. And so I have come to recognize six distinct ways in which a man encounters woman such that his own virility is elicited, affirmed, strengthened and sealed in virtue. These are distinct even as in real life they interpenetrate and inform each other. First, there is the friendship of the brother-sister relationship. This is clear and strong in the blood connection but characterizes any genuinely "philia" relationship, free of the romantic or spousal, that involves equality, mutual reverence and affection, and shared interests and values. It is enhanced by the male-female contrast but serene in its freedom from the longing of the erotic. It can be a cousin, classmate, neighbor, colleague or other. In a gentle but enjoyable manner, this friendship evokes and accentuates a man's virility even as it flourishes in a commonality or harmony of equality and similarity. The second encounter is, of course, the sexual-romantic-spousal encounter with all its mystery, power and serendipity. Not least important for the man is the explosive, complex longing that overwhelms him and ultimately unveils a boundless loneliness, weakness and incompleteness. The third encounter with the feminine is the re-immersion into a "feminine" organism which encompasses, nourishes, educates and forms the man. This occurs with regard to the family (which is greater than the Mother), the school as "alma mater," the "motherland" and most sublimely with our Holy Mother the Church. Even a super-macho organization like "The Marines" can be understood as an encompassing organization that breaks down the singular male ego to resurrect it in a stronger form within a greater fighting body or organism. Such a "maternal enclosure" can take demonic forms in mob hysteria or criminal gangs but finds a wholesome and even holy embodiment in other societies insofar as they image the Communion of Saints for which we are all destined. A forth encounter, not unrelated to the previous, is the Marian Encounter or the "Fairy Godmother Dimension." In this case the man experiences the feminine as sublimely powerful even as it is beautiful, good, nurturing and peaceful. The ultimate expression of this reality is, of course, Mary crowned as Queen of Angels and Saints. As such, she far surpasses all other creatures in her beauty, goodness, and power. She is radiantly edifying and consoling. This reality is imaged in the fairy godmother who has marvelous power but in a feminine, maternal manner and is invincible against the raging of the evil powers. A vivid example of this is Gladriel (Cate Blancet as feminine elf) in the Lord of the Rings: her healing, protective, and radiantly lovely maternal influence is sublimely efficacious and confident and not in the slightest threatened by the empire of Evil rousing itself against all that is fragile and decent. Encounter with the luminous, mysterious and efficacious reality of such femininity has the effect of ennobling, purifying and sanctifying the otherwise explosive and disordered passions of the masculine heart. The fifth encounter is when the new mother "creates" a father by presenting him with their child. A man cannot even know he is father except through a revelation, in trust and truth from the mother. And later on, the father cannot emotionally or spiritually father the child if the mother does entrust her into his hands in a gesture of deepest trust an confidence. We can see, then, that suspicion and distrust from mother to father, work to destroy a man's paternity, which is to say his virility. The last, and sweetest, encounter is when a man fathers a daughter. This is entirely different from the experience of a man with his son. Not better, but different. There is less similarity and more difference so there is a certain reverent, fascinated distance which makes for surprise, delight and exhilarating amazement. It is admiration and elation of a distinctive nature. The father observes this new miracle of femininity as she evolves in innocence, spontaneity, elegance and grace into a magnificent woman. The love of a father for his daughter (or granddaughter) is surely a taste of the love of our heavenly Father and, along with the other five encounters, is simply the reality of heaven on earth.