Root Cause of Sexual/Romantic Obsession/Compulsion: Loneliness, Shame, Weakness

Dr. Joseph Nicolosi's magisterial treatment of homosexuality (Shame and Attachment Loss) opens a window on the primal roots of the entire range of sexual/romantic disorders, compulsions and obsessions...in loneliness, shame, and weakness.

We are created for Communion...to image the Communio of the Trinity...in a magnificent symphony of ways:  with Mom, then Dad, then brothers and sisters and family and friends, spouse, children, community, Church, nation...and finally God and the Kingdom of Heaven! At our ontological core is a solitude, an emptiness, a bottomless abyss...that desperately craves communion. By Providence, we find over-fulfillment in an itinerary from womb-and-breast, to frolic-with-Dad, to friendship-cooperation-competition, and so forth.

However, if there is any mis-attunement along the way, especially with Mom and Dad, the little one experiences abandonment in the worst sense, a dreadful feeling of isolation as annihilation, a pervasive sense of shame or of oneself as void of worth, and a complete powerlessness. None of us are immune to this trauma: we all undergo this "attachment loss" in some manner and degree. It is not the fault of our parents so much, it is unavoidable as we are so delicate/fragile/vulnerable and our parents so limited in their ability to answer our needs.

This primal trauma of attachment loss and shame is so threatening to the little one that defense mechanisms are required for emotional survival: disassociation, self-blame, avoidance, repression and so forth. Eventually, with puberty and the explosion of sexuality, the underlying wound and craving unconsciously commingles with sexual energies and gives rise to a dazzling cacophony of sexual/romantic compulsions, passions and distortions.

The root problem, however, is not the paraphilia or obsession itself, but the underlying wound of shame, loneliness, and powerlessness. The cure is to find...in friendship, prayer, direction, support-group, therapy...a salient, unconditionally loving, strong and trustworthy partner to support the enormous task of retrieving the initial loss and pain and re-processing it in the light of  this new-found communion. The rupture of the original communion can be repaired by a new communion. As one grows in communion...with therapist, friend, support group, Church, spouse or lover...the original yearning for communion becomes satisfied; the wounds of shame and loneliness are healed; the compulsions disappear; and surprising synergies of collaboration and generosity overflow.

This is a most hopeful realization! Thank you Doctor Nicolosi!