Notice the contrast with guilt which deals with a discrete action and can be easily handled by contrition, confession, and amends. Shame on the other hand is a vague, global conviction of being abhorrent in your entire person. From it there is no escape. It can only be absorbed by love, we learn from John Paul.
That sainted pope developed a radiantly positive phenomenology of shame as a protection of our dignity that has been wounded but not destroyed by sin. That salutory purpose is not what we really experience in shame. Rather, we feel horrific: rejected, worthless, repulsive. The opposite of loved. Shame is dark, destructive and itself without worth as it degrades the person. Sure, we might say, for example to a star athelete who gives a poor performance, "You should be ashamed of yourself." But said in love it really means: "You are so much better than that! Come on: get with it! Live up to your potential." To really shame someone would be: "You are no good for anything and you never will be." That is shaming. That is worse than hatred.
Notice my definition has it as self-hatred from a perception of rejection by others. It is not always caused by such a rejection but can be due to a subjective misinterpretation. We seem to have a powerful propensity, from an early age, to experience negativity or shame even when it is not present. Some little ones are extremely embarassed about something apparently without triggers from others. My 3-year-old grandson Timmy is to-die-for cute: sometimes we laugh with sheer delight and most tender affection but he runs out of the run crying uncontrollably. His older brother 5-year old Philip protects him and tells others not to laugh. Notice: he is shamed; no one intended to shame him; but he experienced it. This is very important.
When I was 13 years old, every day when I started my paper route with the bag around my neck I had an involuntary erection. I was mortified with shame: mortified! I would gladly have died rather than go out in the the public as such a despicable spectacle. The thing is that I wore baggy pants and my dimensions were modest so the thing was entirely invisible. More to the point: I recall no input from family or school or Church that this was so disgraceful. I vaguely recall around 6th grade a Christian brother alerting us that our bodies would soon be undergoing changes that were normal and that we shouldn't worry. But he was not specific and I didn't understand. My father and mother both radiated a quiet positivity around sexuality, masculinity and femininity; I wasn't shamed by them. My intense shame seemed to be self-generated, not inflicted by a hostile other.
This brings me to ponder the shame of the homosexual teen boy. If I was so mortified under benign circumstances, then his condition is a perfect storm of shame. The statistics about suicide, emotional turbulence and related strife provided in the recent America article by Fr. James Martin SJ are well known and deeply troubling. Some of the shame-arousing factors that can accompany homosexuality include:
- A sensitivity that is empathetic, aesthetic, spiritual but can also receive perceived contempt with agonizing pain.
- A lessened sense of masculine worth associated with: weak connection with Dad and father figures; poor body image; inability to bond well with other males in things like athletics (the "sports wound").
- A culture that glorifies aggressive machismo and undervalues masculine tenderness. A tradition of homophobia. A environment of insecure, often hostile peers who find a vernacular of contempt available in language around homosexuality. (In this regard, it is undeniable but unmentionable that the concrete practice of same-sex intercourse, void of the face-to-face mutuality and dignity of the spousal embrace, entails a a dynamic of domination and diminution and has a natural, repulsive aspect to it.)
- A religious tradition that sees such acts as inherently sinful.
The burden of shame on the teenager is, when you think of it, horrific. Shame is horrific. I would not wish shame on anyone. It has no good purpose. It can only be absorbed by love.
In this light I can understand the gay identity as a defiant acclamation: "I am who I am. I will not be shamed! I am not ashamed! And you will not shame me!" To that I can only respond: "Amen! Do not take the shame! Good for you! I stand with you!" In light of that I can understand the campaign of Fr. Martin, Cardinal Tobin and others to embrace those who have suffered such shame. I am all in...I will march and protest for the Campaign Against Shame. The sin of shaming someone is thousands of times worse than many sexual sins.
But wait: it is not quite so simple. Because the performance of these acts is not a pathway to freedom and joy; they are in themselves not good acts.
Shame is itself the core cause of most sexual misbehavior. Acting out sexually is often an escape from an underlying shame, as well as associated insecurity, anxiety, sadness and despair. Such behavior becomes compulsive as the behavior, after temporary release, increases the underlying shame and leads to more addictive behavior. For example the exhibitionist, I understand, is almost never violent and is not really a threat but is acting out interior shame. So the problem: if we affirm the toxic behavior we are not really absorbing the shame, but ennabling it.
So we have a dilemna. Catholic groups that welcome the LGBTQ movement, like Dignity, are ambiguous in that that are encouraging behavior that is, in the long run, itself shame-inducing. Meanwhile, groups that offer a Catholic option, like Courage, are accused of shaming. My suggestion is that the Church (which is not to say all members) does not shame. Maybe we are like the delighted grandparents who laugh with joy but the little guy feels so embarassed. Nevertheless, this line of thought does lead us to consider: does our language, manner, tone signal the love we have for our brothers and sisters with this cross (and charism)? Or are we ourselves didactic, defensive, anxious, judgmental, shrill?
May our loving Savior absorb ALL our shame! And may we love each other out of our shame, in all truth and affection!
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