Tenderness is appreciation for the woman as precious, delightful, charming, petite, and vulnerable if not already afflicted. It is the urge, of the strong, to protect and provide. It is similar to the instinctive, feminine response to an infant. It is paternal in nature but directed to a woman, rather than a child, it interacts with the other movements creatively, fruitfully, serendipitously.It is as powerfully instinctual as erotic desire even as it shares the delight/reverence of the apprehension of beauty. It is a mild, modulated urge to hold, play, protect, provide. It is not as intimate as erotic desire but not as distant as contemplation of beauty. It can be a restraining influence on libidinal craving. It has an ennobling influence on the man.
Erotic desire is simple and straightforward: the urgent craving for physical closeness/union; the longing to give and receive caress-kiss-embrace and (for the male) to be welcomed by and enter into the Desired. It is not love itself but a raw natural, instinctive and irrational impulse; therefore we refer to the "Desired" rather than the "Beloved." Created by God it is itself good and intended to be sacramental: the physical expression, enrichment, enactment, intensification, and consumation of conjugal love in all its richness as permanent, exclusive, free, frutiful, and faithful. Outside of spousal permanence, in hearts wounded by sin, it easily becomes, in its ferocious dynamism, toxic, destructive, explosive and congenial to lust, abuse, domination, self-deceit, selfishness and infidelity.Correctly restrained and directed, it can enrich wholesome, chaste friendships with energy, fascination and delight. We can imagine Jesus and the saints, unburdened by sin-shame-guilt-compulsion, enjoying erotic energy in freedom, purity and joy.
Contemplation of Beauty, as pure Eros, by contrast, requires distance in order to see the Beloved in all her beauty as Other. Distance, as reverence, is constitutive of the Love, not a barrier to be overcome in pursuit of intimacy. Only thus can the Beloved be truly seen, admired and even adored in her loveliness. The urges/desires of the lover disappear, or at last diminish, in deference to the value, goodness, and beauty of the Beloved.This movement, as awe and detachment, contrasts with erotic desire but the two are not mutually contradictiory. In ideal circumstances of mutual-spousal-vowed fidelity, the two intermingle in an ecstacy of delight. In non-spousal relationships, such contemplation of the beloved friend restrains and purifies erotic desire.
Infantile longing is the residual longing for the mother. Like erotic desire, it is not a form of love but an entirely instinctual, natural, psycho-biological need. It adds urgency and compulsivity to the erotic impulse. It is a wound sustained in the Oedipal passage from emotional enclosure within the love of the mother into the care of the father. As this passage is rarely (or never, excepting Jesus?) completed without damage, it is "normal" and yet defective for a man to long to be free of paternal demands and return to the security of the womb the comfort of the breast, the warmth of unconditional acceptance and enclosure. In the worst case scenario this harm can degenerate into resentment and the violence of misogyny. It can contribute to same-sex attraction. It is not itself sinful but can be an occasion for sin. Recognized and confessed it can fruitfully elicit maternal tenderness and enrich the marriage or friendship. It can be a salutary weakness bringing a humility, tenderness and gentleness to virile strength. Unconfessed it is the Achilles heal that destroys the most virile of men: recall David, Solomon, Samson, JFK, MLK, and a litany of sinful heroes.
Companionship in the Good-True-Beautiful is where we finally find Love in its truth and depth. Here the delight of the lovers in each other opens up beyond themselves to an infinite horizon of all that is honorable, worthy, lovely and good. They enhance the goodness in themselves and draw each other into a Kingdom that far surpasses them: art, humour, study, political loyalty, friends and family including those who came before and who will come afterwards. It attains a particular depth and intensity with the birth of a child. It opens the lovers to the love of Christ in the Church and the rythyms of prayer and worship.
The suggestion here is that every happy marriage, flaming romance, wholesome hetero-friendship, infatuation and flirtation is a unique symphony of these five marvelous melodies.
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