What was previously rare and unmentioned became commonplace for my boomer, liberal, Vatican II generation: departure from the clerical and vowed life. But we did not receive or develop a wholesome way to process this. The default attitude of a tolerant, open-minded, secularizing culture was casual, accepting, affirming: no big deal! as long as she is happy! he is doing good work anyway!
The good side of this was, of course, that it did not judge in a moralizing manner by attributing a disloyalty.
The problem was that it did not allow for grief, a sense of loss, on the part of the rest of us who had invested such hope and trust in the apparent vocation.
No doubt many or most departures were necessary and wholesome, in God's will, for the one departing. If the Church is gracious in granting laicization and dispensation who are we to object. No one wants an unhappy priest or religious, least of all God. But it is, nevertheless, a serious loss for the Church and her faithful.
Serious loss must be grieved. The beauty of death in the Catholic world is that it is so well celebrated: wake, support, flowers, prayers, funeral mass with incense and music, burial, repast. I look forward to my own funeral and repast and wish I could be there. But there are other losses which lack such protocols: divorce, miscarriage, abortion, break up of a friendship...and loss of a vocation. These are often associated with shame, guilt and isolation. One is on his own to work through the grief.
To her credit, Ines Murzaku, of Seton Hall, addresses this in The Catholic Thing article "Like a Virgin?," December 10, 2022, on the departure of famed Italian singing nun Sister Cristina from the Ursulines. In 2014 the order allowed her to compete for the "Voice of Italy" which she won and then became famous. Since then, she suffered the traumatic loss of her father, took a leave, and left the order to wait tables in Spain and hopefully pursue a singing career. Murzaku is, in my view, harsh in her judgment against the order and not particularly empathetic with the young woman. But she is at least honest: we have lost something here.
I've been thinking about this for about half a century but the provocative article helped clarify my thought.
First, we dare not judge. The workings of the human heart...suffering, confusion, motivation...are deep and dense and simply not for us to judge. Likewise, the workings of God's grace, and the demonic, are obscure and hidden to us. We dare not judge in moral righteousness.
Second, we do need to grieve. This is a loss. Vocations are so precious! We jump for joy at an ordination or consecration. Departure is a sadness. We need to be able to acknowledge that. To talk about it. To pray about it.
Five people close to me have so departed, two friends and three family members. Each is distinctive.
One obtained a proper dispensation, married sacramentally in a beautiful ceremony, is doing very good work with suffering young men, and is expecting a child. We all rejoice in this marriage and the new life. I personally pray that all the graces received in those years of prayer, service and fraternity bear new fruit in marriage and lay life.
One is also doing admirable work with at-risk adolescents and passionately striving to live a generous Catholic life. Gifted, charming, charismatic, he has moved to the peripheries, the moral peripheries, by redefining for himself the meaning of chastity. There is a poignant suffering and dissonance here. As this serious drama unfolds, we hold him tenderly in our hearts and prayers.
One left and married decades ago but did not bother with laicization so was married non-sacramentally. With his wife he lives a generous, affectionate, humble life. They both spent many years serving those afflicted with mental illness. His moral character is sterling. His is a quiet but deep faith. He had been advised that laicization was not necessary. This dissonance with Church protocol is troubling to some of us who love him.
One left the priesthood to write and has been living a quiet, devout, humble life. His is a sharp theological intellect. His friendship has been enriching for me. He reversed the trajectory of Jesus: after an active ministry, he lives a Nazareth-like, prayerful, hidden and loving life.
One was the undisputed leader of our college seminary class: a fun, funny, warm, expansive, sensitive heart. Gifted as a leader. He married, fathered a child, and divorced. He has done remarkable work for the poor and suffering. He has rooted his moral/spiritual/psychological work in the 12 steps of AA. He is removed from the sacraments but seems at peace with the Church. In holiness of life, compassion, and generosity he is The Outstanding One of our cohort: he is lapping the rest of us. Humble and self-effacing, he would deny this.
All five are very dear to me. Three have come to sobriety in AA. Four serve those who suffer poverty or mental illness. All five are living lives radiant with magnanimity, humility, empathy and generosity. God's grace is manifest in their lives. God's grace is mysterious It operates beyond the restrains of my admittedly parochial (in both sense: finite, positional, limited and Roman Catholic) viewpoint. God's grace is wonderful! His name be praised!
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