On day one I would:
1. Immediately, from the balcony with white smoke still blowing, abrogate the "syndodal process." I would issue a short, clear, standard definition of the noun "synod" and issue an ecclesiastical ban...absolute, universal, permanent...on the use of the adjectival form as in "synodal process" and codify that in canon law and the Catechism.
2. Restore the John Paul II Institute for Marriage and Family in its intended mission and all it humble splendor.
3. Renounce the "concordat" with Chinese Communism; install Cardinal Zin as Patriarch of the revived Underground martyr Church; and issue a call for missionary-martyrs to covertly infiltrate Sharia and Communists territories to witness to the Gospel and give their lives unto death or imprisonment.
4. Take as my name: Pope Pius-John-Paul-Benedict the First.
5. Correct the Catechism to its previous view of capital punishment and thus honor the tradition, restore the integrity of the document, and renounce emotionalism in Catholic ethics.
6. Restore the freedoms of the Latin Mass communities.
7. Authorize Monsignor Tom Guarino of Seton Hall to head a commission to revise the Dallas Charter and protect the rights of accused priests.
8. Assign Cardinals Cupich, Tobin, Gregory and McElroy to desk jobs in the Vatican where they can do no harm.
9. Make Archbishop Chaput a Cardinal and apologize for the past disrespect.
10. Call Cardinals Burke, Sarah, Mueller, Arinze out of retirement to lead in the reform of the Jesuits, Franciscans, Dominicans and other mainline religious orders.
11. Answer the five Dubia questions and reaffirm our Deposit of Faith.
12. Restrict Father James Martin S.J. to ministry to hospice and nursing homes and ban him from any Catholic sex education and the agenda of sexual ideologies.
13. Give Cardinal Paglia, Parolin and all key advisors to Pope Francis early retirement, a $10 gift card to Starbucks, and firm directive to live a hidden, penitential life of prayer and reparation, preferably in the Sahara or Arabian desert.
14. Impose an "automatic excommunication" upon American, Catholic politicians who actively work to abort the unborn or otherwise kill innocent, powerless human life.
15. Engage the Anglican Church to trade: they take 100 of our most progressive, woman-ordaining, gay-affirming bishops; and we get 100 random black African bishops.
16. Lead the global Church in millions of masses, rosaries, indulgences (partial and plenary both) for the the soul of Pope Francis, for pardon of his sins, and remission of temporal punishment due them.
17. Challenge Patriarch Kirill of Moscow to mortal, hand-to-hand combat with the weapon of his choice: if he wins, Putin is crowned Emperor of the Holy Russian Empire and granted possession of the Ukraine; if I win the Russian Orthodox join the Roman Church, the Russian army leaves Ukraine, and Kirill joins the repentant Cardinals in the desert.
18. Declare the German Church in schism and start the legal contest over their assets.
19. Inform the Vatican press corps that there will no longer be papal interviews on the jet ride home from international visits.
20. Clarify for all that there is a hell and that agnostic journalists as well as mafia dons are eligible.
On the second day, I would:
1. Go into training for my combat with Kirill.
2. Invite Archbishop Vigano for drinks and dinner; thank him for his witness; and attempt some gentle counseling.
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