The Hated "S...." Word

I do not really give a "should"...to anyone! I do not have a "should"...about anything!  I do not take a "should!"...from anyone!

People love to give me "shoulds" about my work directing a residence for women. You should:

"Do big fundraisers!"

"Mount cameras to see whose drinking all the milk!"

"Apply for government grants!"

"Get wealthy, connected people on your board!"

And so forth. No! to all of the above! No I will not do wellness training, yoga sessions, rehab, evangelical preaching, job training, group therapy, preparation for independent living, mandatory rosary novenas or anything else. I do a single, simple thing: provide a decent home. Nothing else"  I do it because I want to. And what I do is plenty of work! These people can take their "shoulds" and go jump in the lake!

I don't do it by myself, I do it with others and with heavenly assistance! Thank God for so many friends who support us, who send money and donations and do service...and never give a "should!"

I don't even take them from God or his Church. But that is why we get along so well. He never says "Thou should keep holy the sabbath"  or "Thou should not commit adultery." He gives only "Thou shall's" and "shall not's." In my almost 76 years as a Catholic I have never heard or felt an "I should go to mass on Sunday." God tells me to do it. The Church tells me to do it. I do it. I don't hesitate, paralyzed in a zone of  procrastination, obligation, guilt or indecision. I simply do it. And I love it. The thought of missing mass is like the idea of not brushing my teeth or not showering or not urinating: Inconceivable."

Living in a "should" is being trapped in a limbo of obligation, moral oppression, indecision, impotence, negativity. It is the enfeebled Ego being torn apart by a raging Id and the Oppressor Superego! It is low-grade but persistent depression, discouragement and despair. I cannot...I do not...I will not...live there.

"Should nots" are even worse! These are look-backs at the past with regret, with sentimental and futile grief. "I should have bought Amazon stock in 1996!"  About as helpful as the turning back of Lot's wife!

This is all part of my aversion to negative energy. Given the limitations of my resources, I have zero tolerance of regret, anxiety, resentment and "should-ness." I can only run on positive energies: gratitude, joy, hope, peace, love, faith, and all the gifts/fruits of the Holy Spirit.

For example, if my wife were to say "We should fix the leaky roof" I will absolutely renounce the "should." I will either do it or not. If it is a big flood, and I have the money or skill, and the time and inclination, I will do it. But that is far less than likely. It is about 95% probable I will do nothing. This for many reasons! Leaks, like most problems (in my experience) go away on their own if they are ignored. This is a rule of life. We don't know why but most difficulties, even those far more distressing than a mere drip of water, simply go away.  It is mysterious. So the first and default response to any problem is courteous indifference, benign neglect, passive expectancy. (I know everyone doesn't agree with this approach! Are you sympathetic to my long-suffering but still faithful wife?) Besides, if it isn't raining now what's the big deal. Besides, I probably have more pressing things to do. If I don't, I really want to take a walk or do my blog. 

What about if there is a real moral necessity but I lack the ability or willingness to address it so that there is an internal conflict...a budding "should." What do I do if I hear the soft, accusing, demonic voice saying "You sh..." I am steadfast: I renounce it, unconditionally! "Here I stand; I can do not other." For instance, I haven't done my 2022 taxes yet. Nor my 2021s.  I may owe the government. I am not worried. First of all it is just money. Secondly, if I am due a refund, I don't need the money. If I owe the government they don't really need it either. Thirdly, I may die before the IRS comes after me. Most importantly, I have a lot going on and can't worry about this. Money is like the wind and the Holy Spirit: it comes and it goes, we know not from whence or where to. Also, the one who does my taxes is trustworthy so I merely give him whatever he requests and don't think about it for a single second. 

But let's imagine it is something less trivial  than a bad leak or overdue taxes: a compulsive vice, a broken relationship, a cowardly pattern of neglect! Even then I will not enter the "should zone." What do  I do? First, I work my first step (that is why it is called the first step!): I acknowledge I am powerless over_____. In doing so, I am not surrendering to despair or guilt, I am already leaning into my second step, my faith that a power greater than myself can take care of things. I make my surrender prayer:  "Jesus, I surrender myself to you. Take care of everything." I make an act of TRUST. I hand it over to God. And then I rest. I wait, expectantly. Joyfully. I wait more. I might get distracted into doing something else. I may return to this ritual: powerlessness, trust, surrender, rest, waiting, joy. This can be repeated indefinitely. But infallibly, inevitably, efficaciously.... something happens. Suddenly the problem disappears. Or, suddenly, I realize what I must do, or at least the next positive step I can take. And then I move my muscles. But never for an instant do I dwell in that toxic, oppressive, suffocating, emasculating zone of "The Should."

Dear Reader: I invite you! Throw off the heavy chains of the Superego Should! Enter into interior Joy, Freedom, Spontaneity! Flee and fight that zone of obligation, guilt, impotence. If God wants something from you just do it. If you can't do it or really don't want to do it, just tell him:  "Sorry God. I can't do this! I don't want to do it. I absolutely will NOT do it..... unless You help me, guide me, heal me, strengthen me."  And then relax.