What's a Guy to Do?

 Dear Fleckinstein:  My friend has a big problem. He is crazy about women. He is obsessed. He can't help himself. What is he to do?  from Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

This is serious! Your friend is what the Spanish language calls a "mujeriego" which is a man that is crazy about women.  It is chronic, deep-seated, and critical! But not hopeless! There is one path ahead for your friend.

He is to love women...more!  Yes, more; not less. Differently. More.

He is to love women more tenderly, reverently, appreciatively, chastely, gratefully, humbly, generously, confidently, compassionately, protectively, passionately, receptively, assertively. (That is 13 adverbs!😍)

This is a long, arduous journey. It is a 100 years war. It is not a few therapy sessions or self-help books. A priest in confession said these cravings will not cease until your body is cold in the ground for four days. It is probably a structural aspect of his person so he will live with it the rest of his life. 

This is a patient, prolonged itinerary of moving beyond infantile neediness, regressive compulsions, romantic fantasies of comfort and enclosure, lust, covetousness, narcissism, bad habits and neural wiring.

Do this:

- When you are attracted to a woman, pray for her. For her happiness, family, holiness. This is helpful: it shifts you out of your own neediness into communion with God and your true identity as a man who loves women.

- Own and acknowledge the interior emptiness, sadness, longing and loneliness. Bring it to God in prayer. My own preferred aspiration is: "I come to you, Lord, as a poor man; in need of your mercy and in need of your love."  Another good one: "Lord, give me what I seek in her and bless her." And of course the classic: "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, be merciful to me a sinner." Recall what Monsignor Giussani told us:  "The true protagonist of history is the beggar: us begging for Christ; Christ begging for us."

- Direct your gaze always away from her curvaceous figure to her eyes. There you will glimpse the nobility, agony, intelligence, generosity, truth, goodness and splendor of her heart and soul.

- Deepen and intensify your loyalty to your spouse, present or future, or your religious vows to Christ.

- Frequently place yourself under "the mantle of the purity, holiness, tenderness, love and beauty" of our Blessed Mother with aspirations, the rosary, hymns, the scapular or miraculous medal.

- Cherish strong, close friendships with men so that your needs for intimacy are not so strongly directed to women.  (This practice is even more urgent for men sexually attracted to men.)

- Deepen your Eucharistic devotion, daily mass and visits to the Eucharist as much as possible, and ask Christ to infuse within you his own virile, fruitful, pure, heroic, ennobling love for women.

- Even if you are falling into sin, imagine you are falling onto Christ who fell three times on his climb up Calvary with his cross.

- Confession of sin to priest, even weekly if necessary.

- Confide your afflictions, temptations and failings to at least one trusted, safe, wise mentor: friend, confessor, counselor, spiritual director. Has to be a man of course. Women don't understand this stuff.

- Cherish strong relationships with good, holy women who elicit your true virility.

- Wholesome, temperate habits in all areas of life: sleep, diet, exercise, friendships. reading, prayer, work, service to others, recreation.

- Pray to holy women and saints. My own daily litany, mostly 20th century, is: St. Terese of Lisieux, St. Elizabeth of the Trinity, Elizabeth Liseux, St. Josephine Bakata, St. Maria Goretti, St. Gemma Galgani, St. Mother Katherine Drexel, St. Mother Francis Xavier Cabrini, St. Mother Mary Ann Cope, St. Mother Jean Jarden, St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, Rose Hawthorne, Mother Margaret Cusak;   Etty Helison, Maria Teresa Debjanowicz, St. Faustina, St. Theresa Benedicata of the Cross;  Caryll Houselander, Adrienne von Speyr, Madalein DelBrel;  St. Mother Teresa of Calcutta, Dorothy Day, and Catherine de Hueck Dougherty.

(That is 13 practices, in no particular order.)

Tell your friend, Anonymous, to be patient. This is the long game. Rely upon the Holy Spirit. Be gentle with your own weakness. Give praise and thanks for the heart-piercing Beauty of women! And for your own virility, including your cravings however disordered, in its God-given and Christ-imaging Splendour.