Shame is surely the most pervasive, undetected and pernicious of the toxic emotions. Anger, anxiety, depression, resentment and the others are relatively transparent. They manifest, announce themselves to the sufferer and those around him. Thus, they invite engagement, correction, confrontation, conversation, scrutiny, exploration, and resolution... interiorly and exteriorly. Not so with shame. Of its nature it is secretive. It hides itself in isolation, disconnection, sterility, paralysis, passivity, and stagnation.
What is Shame?
Shame is the interior, private judgment against oneself as worthless, bad, repulsive, disgusting and vile.
Paradoxically, it is private and subjective even as it is basically relational or social: it is an interior judgment of how I am viewed or would be viewed by others.
It is distinct from guilt, even as the two interpenetrate each other. Guilt refers to a specific wrong act, while shame despises the entire person. I am guilty because I beat up my little brother or cheated on my wife. I am shameful because I am a bully, a bad person; I am constitutionally unfaithful. So guilt can be remedied by confession, amends, and reconciliation; after which I am restored to my state as "a good person." But shame is deeper, interior, systemic, penetrating: I am a bad person, period. Guilt is easily treated by sincere repentance. Shame is more inherent and resistant: when profound it is invulnerable to one's own agency or volition. Guilt deals with the moral...the good and the bad...in a straightforward fashion. Shame is closer to the aesthetic: I am inherently void of value, beauty, charm; I am ugly, despicable, distasteful. So, for example, we speak of "body shame": I am too skinny or fat; my ears/nose/eyes are too small or large. Such are features which define me regardless (for the most part) of my volition, effort, will power.
Shame is so pernicious because it fosters and festers in secrecy. Shame tells me I am despicable; therefore any self-revelation to another will expose me to rejection. Shame thrives in isolation. The real cure for shame is connection: self-revelation and then positive regard, acceptance, respect, affection and delight from the other. Self-affirmations (such as those of Stuart Smalley of Saturday Night Live) are futile and self-evidently ridiculous. We need to trust and receive love from another. Shame cannot be banished by self-will, private agency, good thinking. The interior conviction of ones own disvalue in the eyes of others can only be overcome by valuation from another. Not from one's own subjectivity. Such encounters are possible only in sacred places of confidentiality, reverence and affection: family or friend, counselor, Rabbi or priest, 12-step similar group. The overcoming of shame comes neither in privacy nor in public, but in privileged encounters of care and respect.
Men, Where Have You Gone?
In a poignant, insightful piece in today's (6/23/25) NY Times "Modern Love," Rachel Ducker grieves: "Men, Where Have You Gone? Please Come Back." Anecdotally, she notes the absence of men in public, in restaurants, where she sees groups of women, pairs of women and single women, but few men. She believes they are all isolated, "retreated from intimacy, hiding behind filters, firewalls and curated personas." She pleas: "You don't have to be perfect; you just have to be present. Just show up."
Casually, she makes a startling admission: "I spent over a decade behind the curtain of digital desire. As the custodian of records for Playboy and its affiliated hardcore properties, I was responsible for some of the world's most infringed-upon adult content. I worked ... to understand exactly what it took to get a man to pay for content he could easily find free. We knew how to frame a face, a gesture, a moment of implication...just enough to ignite fantasy and open a wallet. I came to understand in exact terms what cues tempt the average 18-36-year-old cis heterosexual man. What drew him in. What kept him coming back. It wasn't intimacy. It wasn't mutuality. It was simulation...clean, fast, frictionless. In that world, there's no need for conversation. No effort. No curiosity. No reciprocity. No ones feelings to consider, no vulnerability to navigate. Just a closed loop of consumption."
She is matter-of-fact: little mention of contrition or reparation. But clearly she is associating her work in porn with the male problem. She is not aware of the shame dimension.
Phenomenology of Shame in the Theology of the Body of St. Pope John Paul II
Adam and Eve, innocent in the Garden before the fall into sin, were "naked without shame:" childlike, trusting, free, spontaneous. Immediately after the fall, they cover themselves in shame. John Paul sees that this response of shame was protective of their dignity. They retained, even after sin, the image of God in which they were created, innate, ineffable, inherent goodness. But this was now threatened by sin: personal/subjective and that of the other. Therefore, they cover themselves to protect their now vulnerable dignity: from their personal and other's contempt, lust, manipulation, deception, violence and degradation.
By this reading, shame is given a surprisingly positive reading: it is protective of inherent dignity. This is correct! We cover ourselves, we dress modestly, we speak respectfully, we exercise custody of the eyes...all to protect innocence and goodness. At a certain age, (is it 3? 4?) the child develops an appropriate sense of privacy in regard to the body, the bathroom, and such. This is a good thing. Like the other negative emotions (anger, anxiety, etc.) it is a troubling feeling, but has a positive task. To protect dignity. To say that one is "without shame" is a damning judgment: it means a fundamental lack of dignity.
Shame, Porn, Masturbation and Emasculation
Porn consumption, voyeuristic compulsivity, erotic fantasy, and masturbation together are inherently private, isolating, shameful, and emasculating. Our Catholicism, but all ancient traditions and faiths, revere sexuality as sacred, as Godlike, as life-bearing, as incomparably intimate/unitive, and as coherent with the deepest dimension of the heart and soul. So we sense, deeply and intuitively in the conscience, that misuse of sexuality is sacrilegious and shameful.
The aim of the sexual revolution of the 1960s and the resulting cultural liberalism is to subdue, repress, cancel this "shame" so that we might indulge in free sex, detached from marriage and family, deaf to the interior voice of conscience.
Rachel Drucker, writing in the NY Times, is surely such a cultural progressive, deeply in denial of shame. She was herself a key agent in the pornographic assault on the innocence of our youth, but seems oblivious of it.
She is a woman and does not understand masculine sexuality and shame. A man in a compulsive porn/masturbation habit may well be dealing with and self-medicating anxiety, depression, inadequacy and prior shame. But this exercise heightens the isolation and loneliness, as in all addictions, and deepens the self-condemnation. In a vicious cycle, the habit intensifies shame and isolation; the self-loathing is than medicated by the indulgence. All the time masculine self-esteem is depleted.
For a man to engage a woman...in conversation, cooperation, friendship, intimacy, courtship and marriage... he needs interior confidence, energy, peace, and strength. To appreciate, revere and delight in femininity, a man requires a strong sense of his own masculine worth. A degree of insecurity is surely normal and widespread. A degree is fine: no one wants a cocky, overconfident, righteous man. But such normal insecurity needs to coexist with an interior sense of worth, received in loving relationships and accompanying accomplishments and encouragements. A man drawn into porn and "self-abuse" (a traditional term which might be retrieved) is depleted of self worth, of agency, of courage, of boldness and infected with self-contempt. Porn and masturbation are emasculating.
Male Sexuality and Shame
In my adolescence, the explosion of sexual desire was accompanied by powerful guilt/shame/anxiety. The narrative of cultural liberalism would, of course, disparage this as the result of my Catholic indoctrination. I do not see it that way.
We did learn, of course, of the sacredness of sex within marriage and that any sexual activity outside of that is seriously sinful. We learned that even thoughts, desires and intentions were to be carefully scrutinized as possible movements toward sin. This was, on the whole, presented in a low key, matter-of-fact manner. My parents and people in general did not talk about it. The topic of sex was surrounded by a reverent silence. In retrospect, my criticism of my upbringing is that the topic was too little discussed. It was avoided, by priests at mass and the sisters and brothers who taught us.
I see my adolescent-and-ongoing shame/guilt/fear, not as resulting from negative socialization, but as a basically normal and healthy response, cautious/fearful/vigilant, to powerful, overwhelming passons. The reality of male sexuality, in the condition of concupiscence after the Fall, is violent, irrational, chaotic, overwhelming, and menacing. This toxicity is inherent, constitutive of our sinful nature. It is not a superficial socialization that can be overcome by some Me-Too movement or an enlightened, therapeutic approach to sex.
And so, shame around sexual desire is a wholesome, normal thing. It is a warning. A call to prayer, discipline, repentance and confession. It is an impulse to seek, vigorously, purity of heart. Imagine: an insecure, anxious young man powerfully drawn to fantasize about pictures of voluptuous women; a married woman, unhappy with an inattentive husband, who delights in the attention of another man and imagines romance with him; a happily married man inordinately attracted, physically and emotionally to other women...all of these properly arouse shame/guilt in a healthy conscience, arouse vigilance, arouse a sense of urgency in prayer, sacrament and habit of life.
Homosexuality and Gay "Liberation"
Sex between men is mutual masturbation. It is not unitive, intimate, open to life or to the Holy. It is properly shameful. For men it is additionally emasculating as there is an inherent, unavoidable dynamic of domination in the mechanics of the various contortions: there is always an "upper" and a "lower." This finds blatant expression in slang, street language in which the deepest insult to one's masculinity is reference to male-on-male sex.
The goal of gay liberation is to overcome shame by affirming such sex as normal and wholesome. It is a key component of the broader sexual liberation: detachment of sex from fertility, marriage, generational communion, tradition, and the supernatural. This entire effort, like the "contra-cepted" acts themselves, is sterile and futile. Uprooted from community, tradition and fidelity, it isolates sex as individualistic, deracinated, narcissistic, shameful and hopeless.
The Fragile Masculine Identity of the Homosexual: the Proposals of Eve Tushnet
The attainment of a mature masculine identity, in the best circumstances...mentoring, father figures, camaraderie, support, correction, encouragement, opportunity, cis-heterosexual inclinations...is a long, tentative and perilous journey. I have to think it is 10 times harder for the homosexual with all that added anxiety, insecurity, social stigma and awkwardness. We care about this suffering.
The argument here is that "gay affirmation" is eventually futile, self-defeating and cruel. It is a desperation to cancel, repress, and deny feelings of shame that are inevitable and normal. The very word "gay" is ironic in a perverse way: it denies the unavoidable suffering that accompanies the state. It offers the false hope that social stigma alone, rather than the very moral order and concupiscence, is the source of the shame. So it promises, falsely, that the overcoming of social homophobia will eliminate shame and suffering and bring happiness.
On the other hand, a traditional moralistic/voluntaristic approach..."just be chaste"...does not adequately address the dense, profound emotional realities involved with same-sex attraction. It is far more than physical sex. It is accompanied by complexities of feelings, passions, sufferings, values, sensitivities, appreciations, charisms, difficulties...positives and negatives both. Sexuality is always more than physical: it permeates the entire person, touching the deepest parts of heart and soul.
And so we have the interesting figure of Eve Tushnet who identifies happily as lesbian, chaste Catholic. She sees them as compatible. She explores new kinds of relationships/covenants/friendships which are sexually chaste and yet quasi-spousal in regard to romantic energy, affective intimacy and exclusivity.
Hers is a fascinating, provocative proposal. It is valuable in that it expands the Catholic conversation beyond the physical to the more important emotional/psychological. From the perspective of our tradition however, these new quasi-spousal relationships are problematic. Our sexual ethos distinguishes sharply: friendship vs. marital and premarital intimacy; celibacy and spousal fidelity; sacraments of marriage and orders; the states of consecration, priesthood and the laity. While a chaste, intimate and holy relationship with the same sex may be possible, with the grace of God, in exceptional cases, it is a dangerous experiment. Since the passionate intimacy, exclusiveness, and mutuality in possessiveness is not rooted in and open to the full nuptial mystery in its natural and supernatural fullness, it presents many dangers. Prudence would caution that intimacy needs be met within the traditional practices of friendship and family.
I number among my friends a number of men...singles, priests, religious...who live celibate, holy lives as they identify as "gay." On friend opened up to me about his sexuality in the weeks before his death. Clearly this meant more to him than the mere performance of sex. I read of a nursing home in which gays/lesbians resented prejudice. One might wonder: at that stage, does it matter? Well it matters quite a bit. As mentioned, sexuality permeates and penetrates the person powerfully and deeply, in all dimensions.
The homosexual needs to grow in esteem, virility, confidence and freedom from shame in intimate relationships: family, friendships, counseling and therapy, confession and spiritual direction. 12-step and support groups. Such provide protection, confidentiality, honesty and an itinerary into chastity as sexual sobriety. Freedom will not be found in privacy, isolation, disconnection. Nor will it be found in the publicity of "coming out," parades, pride month, and ideological crusading. And yet we can thank the Gay Movement for bringing to our attention the severe suffering of the homosexual.
Courage, the confidential support group for homosexuals who practice the Catholic ethos is much despised by sexual progressives, but it does seem to offer just such an environment of authenticity, acceptance, support, and encouragement.
Befriending Shame
Shame is our enemy only when it remains secretive, isolated, closeted, disconnected. When it is recognized, scrutinized, and shared in appropriate relationships it becomes a friend. At its core, it is protection of our dignity. It is a trigger warning, like anxiety or anger, that something may be wrong: a threat to our innocence and integrity. As a feeling it is far from infallible so it must be scrutinized. Oftentimes it is pointing to a reality which must be acknowledged, corrected, repented, amended. Often enough it is mistaken, residual from earlier difficulties, traumas, mistakes. In that case it can be gently dismissed.
Shame around sexuality is entirely normal and wholesome. It is a testimony to three realities. First, that one's libidinal, romantic energies are still burning. Secondly, that one's conscience is sensitive and vigorous. Lastly, that one's concupiscence (inherited propensity to sin) is strong and being confronted. A priest in confession told me that my body would be cold in the grave four days before I am relieved of these passions.
Let us attend, anxiety-free, to our shame. Let us welcome, scrutinize and question it. Let us share it prudently with friend, family, priest, therapist. Let us bring it to the Lord in prayer. Let us invoke the Holy Spirit and all the gifts of purity, continence, fidelity, virility, serenity, and generosity.
