My Big Sisters in Christ

 "Strong feminine influence."    My handwriting analysis.

I never had a big sister. This is a privation.

As oldest of 9, I have 6 little sisters, 5 daughters, 13 granddaughters, 18 nieces. I have taught religion to 1,000s of young women. In 25 years at UPS I supervised women but never had a female boss. As director of a residence for women I have served 100s of women and worked with perhaps 50 or more.

I am ALWAYS the big brother, never the little brother.

I was blessed with a tremendous mother, two grandmothers, 6 aunts, a dear great-aunt, 5 girl cousins. The 3 who were older than me were great; the closest I got to a big sister. 

To make matters worse: in grade 5 we boys went with the Christian Brothers. This was followed by all-boys high school and college seminary. From age 10-22 I had no girl classmate, friend or teacher. I never talked with a girl or woman who was not family.

At age 22, I left seminary, still drawn to the priesthood, primarily to learn how to relate to women in a wholesome, mature manner. I was afflicted with inordinate shyness, insecurity, obsessive desire, and shame. Fortunately, my first date went swimmingly: Best time in my life. I fell in love. My fears evaporated. I passionately, persistently courted. And have lived happily ever after. 

A singular blessing: in my late 20s, early in our family life, 1972-77, I befriended and worked very closely with three "big sisters": all Convent Station Sisters of Charity, all about 15 years older than me, quite different in personality, all women of extraordinary intelligence, character, energy and holiness. I pray to them every day. Patricia Brennan, leader of our charismatic prayer group, was the closest I have ever seen to St. Paul. Virginia Kean lived close to the poor in Jersey City and mentored me in serving the residents of the housing projects. Maria Martha Joyce was my partner in teaching high school religion, my good buddy, and tons of fun. With each I shared a mutuality in purpose, calm affection, respect, and delight. They fortified me in my three defining aspirations: catechesis of the young, service of the poor, and the Church's life of worship. They were not father figures; not mother figures; but friends, partners and big sisters. Later in life I was fortunate to repeat this pattern with others, especially Dominicans and Felicians. 

Consider the "big sisters" I have known, if only in a single conversation or lecture:  St. Mother Teresa of Calcutta, Dorothy Day, Ruth Carter Stapleton (charismatic healer, sister of Jimmy Carter), Anne Ulanov (Anglican psychologist-theologian at Union Theological), Dr. Dianne Traflet (Seton Hall U.), Sister Joan Noreen (OLME), Felician Sister Marilyn Minter (charismatic missionary to Haiti), writer Heather King, and Mary Healy (theologian).

More remotely, through their writings and life witness, I am influenced by: Catherine Doherty, Adrienne von Speyr, Caryl Houselander, Saint Faustina, Saint Theresa Benedicta of the Cross, Blessed Maria Teresa Demjanovitch, Hannah Arendt, Elizabeth Leseux, Flannery O'Connor, St. Elizabeth of the Trinity, Simone Weil, St. Theresa of Lisieux, St. Maria Gioetti, and Mother Margaret Cusak.

Masculinity is a reality of relationship, to women and men, in filiality, fraternity/friendship, spousality and paternity. Of immense importance is that of fraternity/friendship, brother/sister. This is fundamentally neither filial nor paternal/maternal although some dynamisms are present. It is entirely non-spousal, free of romantic-erotic-possessive dynamics. It is equality; it is mutuality in sober affection, reverence, and shared purpose. 

While I never had a biological big sister, I have been more than compensated by these big sisters in Christ. They affirmed and strengthened me in Christlike virility and enhanced my ability to love all women in a manly, wholesome, holy manner.  Thanks be to God!