Dr. Joseph Nicolosi's magisterial treatment of homosexuality (Shame and Attachment Loss) opens a window on the primal roots of the entire range of sexual/romantic disorders, compulsions and obsessions...in loneliness, shame, and weakness.
We are created for Communion...to image the Communio of the Trinity...in a magnificent symphony of ways: with Mom, then Dad, then brothers and sisters and family and friends, spouse, children, community, Church, nation...and finally God and the Kingdom of Heaven! At our ontological core is a solitude, an emptiness, a bottomless abyss...that desperately craves communion. By Providence, we find over-fulfillment in an itinerary from womb-and-breast, to frolic-with-Dad, to friendship-cooperation-competition, and so forth.
However, if there is any mis-attunement along the way, especially with Mom and Dad, the little one experiences abandonment in the worst sense, a dreadful feeling of isolation as annihilation, a pervasive sense of shame or of oneself as void of worth, and a complete powerlessness. None of us are immune to this trauma: we all undergo this "attachment loss" in some manner and degree. It is not the fault of our parents so much, it is unavoidable as we are so delicate/fragile/vulnerable and our parents so limited in their ability to answer our needs.
This primal trauma of attachment loss and shame is so threatening to the little one that defense mechanisms are required for emotional survival: disassociation, self-blame, avoidance, repression and so forth. Eventually, with puberty and the explosion of sexuality, the underlying wound and craving unconsciously commingles with sexual energies and gives rise to a dazzling cacophony of sexual/romantic compulsions, passions and distortions.
The root problem, however, is not the paraphilia or obsession itself, but the underlying wound of shame, loneliness, and powerlessness. The cure is to find...in friendship, prayer, direction, support-group, therapy...a salient, unconditionally loving, strong and trustworthy partner to support the enormous task of retrieving the initial loss and pain and re-processing it in the light of this new-found communion. The rupture of the original communion can be repaired by a new communion. As one grows in communion...with therapist, friend, support group, Church, spouse or lover...the original yearning for communion becomes satisfied; the wounds of shame and loneliness are healed; the compulsions disappear; and surprising synergies of collaboration and generosity overflow.
This is a most hopeful realization! Thank you Doctor Nicolosi!
Thursday, March 21, 2019
Wednesday, March 20, 2019
Heaven on Earth: 7 Best Happenings of the 20th Century
Seven historic, heavenly, humbling, hopeful events of the 20th Century interpenetrate each other as they fructify now and into the future:
1. The 12-step spirituality of Alcoholics Anonymous that is now freeing people from a range of addictions all around the globe.
2. The outpouring of the Holy Spirit in the Pentecostal Movement at the very start of the century and its continuation in the Charismatic Renewal all over the world.
3. The emergence of renewal, largely lay, movements in the Catholic and other Churches in the afterglow of Vatican II.
4. Heavenly manifestations on earth, particularly the Divine Mercy messages to Saint Faustina and Marian apparitions including Fatima.
5. The conjugal, "communion" theology of St. John Paul, Balthasar, Pope Benedict and others that emerged organically with Vatican II and gave fresh but faithful expression to the Catholic faith in the face of the Cultural Revolution.
6. The witness of a regiment of holy women...canonized and not...who image the freedom of the Bride of Christ in their vigor, generosity, purity, fortitude, and interior independence: St. Maria Goretti, St. Gemma Galgani, Mother Cabrini, Mother Katherine Dreexel, St. Josephine Baghetti, Elizabeth Leseeur, St. Theresa of Lisieux (who died before the century but hovers over it), St. Elizabeth of the Trinity, Blessed Maria Teresa Demjanovich, St. Faustina, St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross, Adrienne VonSpeyr, Madeleine DelBrell, Caryll Houselander, St. Theresa of Calcutta, Dorothy Day, Catherine DeHueck Dougherty, and others.
7. The ever-persistence of the Church...resilient, fruitful, steady, quiet, infallible, holy and yet sinful, efficacious, celebratory, hopeful, grateful, local, unpretentious.
By "Church" I mean first the concrete loyalty and life of those who gather around the Pope in Rome and the bishops in union with him. But I include others who are in various degrees of union: the Orthodox, Coptic; the Protestant; the Evangelical and Pentecostal who listen to the Word and rejoice in the Holy Spirit. The first six events above can be seen as ways in which the Bridegroom renews the Bridal Church, keeping her ever new, fresh, thrilling.
These above developments are infinitely greater than the five demonic catastrophies (in prior blog) of that same century...and dwarf the secular accomplishments of technology, science and culture...even as they work to purify and deepen the later and defeat the former.
1. The 12-step spirituality of Alcoholics Anonymous that is now freeing people from a range of addictions all around the globe.
2. The outpouring of the Holy Spirit in the Pentecostal Movement at the very start of the century and its continuation in the Charismatic Renewal all over the world.
3. The emergence of renewal, largely lay, movements in the Catholic and other Churches in the afterglow of Vatican II.
4. Heavenly manifestations on earth, particularly the Divine Mercy messages to Saint Faustina and Marian apparitions including Fatima.
5. The conjugal, "communion" theology of St. John Paul, Balthasar, Pope Benedict and others that emerged organically with Vatican II and gave fresh but faithful expression to the Catholic faith in the face of the Cultural Revolution.
6. The witness of a regiment of holy women...canonized and not...who image the freedom of the Bride of Christ in their vigor, generosity, purity, fortitude, and interior independence: St. Maria Goretti, St. Gemma Galgani, Mother Cabrini, Mother Katherine Dreexel, St. Josephine Baghetti, Elizabeth Leseeur, St. Theresa of Lisieux (who died before the century but hovers over it), St. Elizabeth of the Trinity, Blessed Maria Teresa Demjanovich, St. Faustina, St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross, Adrienne VonSpeyr, Madeleine DelBrell, Caryll Houselander, St. Theresa of Calcutta, Dorothy Day, Catherine DeHueck Dougherty, and others.
7. The ever-persistence of the Church...resilient, fruitful, steady, quiet, infallible, holy and yet sinful, efficacious, celebratory, hopeful, grateful, local, unpretentious.
By "Church" I mean first the concrete loyalty and life of those who gather around the Pope in Rome and the bishops in union with him. But I include others who are in various degrees of union: the Orthodox, Coptic; the Protestant; the Evangelical and Pentecostal who listen to the Word and rejoice in the Holy Spirit. The first six events above can be seen as ways in which the Bridegroom renews the Bridal Church, keeping her ever new, fresh, thrilling.
These above developments are infinitely greater than the five demonic catastrophies (in prior blog) of that same century...and dwarf the secular accomplishments of technology, science and culture...even as they work to purify and deepen the later and defeat the former.
Hell on Earth: Worst Events of the 20th Century
The five worst happenings of the last century: 5 is the many outbreaks of ethnic and genocidal hatred and violence; 4 is Nazism, genocide of the Jews and World War II; 3 is Stalin and the reign of Communism for most of the century; 2 is the Maoist Cultural Revolution which destroyed a huge, ancient civilization; and 1, the worst which continues into the current millennium, is the Cultural Revolution of the West.
The first four share a similar type: hellish outbreaks of demonic, vile hatred that attempted to destroy entire peoples. The last, and worst, however is the most subtle, deceptive, pernicious and powerful. It peaked in the explosion of 1968, continues to spread around the globe even now. It masquerades as a pacifism as it systematically kills the most powerless, especially the unborn; it presents as liberation as it efficaciously destroys the human person as creature, relationship, community, and image of God. It is the confluence, a "perfect storm" of five diabolical developments.
1. The forgetting, explicit or implicit, of God and all that is sacred and holy.
2. The renunciation of authority, tradition and bonds of religious community in favor of the hegemony of the autonomous, isolated Self.
3. The release of sexuality from its unitive/fruitful nature and purpose.
4. Deconstruction of masculinity and femininity and the loss of filiality, spousality, paternity, maternity and fraternity in favor of the neutered individual as a unit of consumption and production.
5. The illusion of technology and technocracy as a divinity capable of saving mankind.
The net effect of these forces is to tear the person away from being embedded in family, faith and community (that reaches into past and future) as a gendered, relational creature and leave the individual alone, isolated, uprooted, without memory or hope, void of purpose and connection. It presumes to be the liberation of the individual and assumes a posture of superiority, righteousness, and arrogance. It has attained a mimetic, contagious ferocity as it sweeps over the globe and devours our youth.
The first four share a similar type: hellish outbreaks of demonic, vile hatred that attempted to destroy entire peoples. The last, and worst, however is the most subtle, deceptive, pernicious and powerful. It peaked in the explosion of 1968, continues to spread around the globe even now. It masquerades as a pacifism as it systematically kills the most powerless, especially the unborn; it presents as liberation as it efficaciously destroys the human person as creature, relationship, community, and image of God. It is the confluence, a "perfect storm" of five diabolical developments.
1. The forgetting, explicit or implicit, of God and all that is sacred and holy.
2. The renunciation of authority, tradition and bonds of religious community in favor of the hegemony of the autonomous, isolated Self.
3. The release of sexuality from its unitive/fruitful nature and purpose.
4. Deconstruction of masculinity and femininity and the loss of filiality, spousality, paternity, maternity and fraternity in favor of the neutered individual as a unit of consumption and production.
5. The illusion of technology and technocracy as a divinity capable of saving mankind.
The net effect of these forces is to tear the person away from being embedded in family, faith and community (that reaches into past and future) as a gendered, relational creature and leave the individual alone, isolated, uprooted, without memory or hope, void of purpose and connection. It presumes to be the liberation of the individual and assumes a posture of superiority, righteousness, and arrogance. It has attained a mimetic, contagious ferocity as it sweeps over the globe and devours our youth.
Thursday, March 14, 2019
Can We Have Gay Priests?
A delicate, excruciating, polarizing question! The answer is clear: No! Even our allegedly gay-friendly Pope Francis has recently confounded his LGBTQ admirers by his clear, passionate disapproval. We cannot have gay priests but it is not impossible for us to have priests who suffer same-sex attractions if these are not "deep seated" (according to Vatican policy.) Key terms need to be clarified: "gay" and "deep seated" and "orientation."
"GAY"
1970, fresh out of college and the revolutionary 60s, I was teaching ESL to Hispanics in the South Bronx, studying (as a mendicant amateur) theology at Union/Woodstock, courting my wife-to-be on weekends in NJ and I was quite lonely...except for my dear friend George Lissandrello and his gay friends on the lower East Side. This is immediately after the Stonewall riot and the beginning of the gay movement. One day George quietly, somberly spoke: "The gay life...(pause)...is a very, very sad." It was delivered and received in reverent silence, like a divine oracle. I knew not to question or comment.. I let the sadness sit peacefully, wondering what he meant. Some time later George told me he had AIDs. We never heard from him and assume he died in that plague.
For sure he meant that "gay" is not gay in the sense of merry, happy, silly and light! Quite the contrary! The word is deliberately ironic, fallacious, contradictory, histrionic, and performative. This word means much more than "i am a man attracted to men." It means additionally:
- "I approve of the attraction, acts, lifestyle and culture. I intend to indulge and encourage others."
- "I identify myself by this attraction or "orientation" as expressive as my truest, deepest self."
- "I publicly announce this and demand social approval. I will rage at any disapproval."
EGODYSTONIC AND EGOSYNTONIC
"Egosystonic" is a condition, impulse or drive in harmony with the ego, ideal self, and moral principles. "Egodystonic" is, by contrast, an impulse dissonant with or contradictory of the deeper self of ego, conscience and values. So, an intense, irrepressible impulse to torture and kill Eritreans would be serenely egosystonic for a psychopath, but excruciatingly egodystonic for a sensitive, pacifist Catholic Worker.
Many of our best, holiest priests and religious have been egodystonic homosexuals. They gently, peacefully receive this attraction as a cross, a crown of thorns, a passion and a frustration to be suffered patiently as they grow in a love that is paternal, fraternal, and chaste. This weakness and trial opens them up to the travails of others. This condition also comes associated, as Jung said, with emotional, spiritual riches including compassion, aesthetic appreciation, and spiritual intuition,.
The egodysntonic homosexual will avail himself of resources to diminish the sexual compulsion, heal the underlying wounds that cause it, and strengthen himself in masculinity, paternity, chastity, gnerosity and interior serenity. This would include sacramental confession, therapy (reparative), sound friendships, support groups (Courage), spiritual direction and a deep prayer life. The egosystonic homosexual will self-declare as gay: adapt his moral views to his sexual impulses, judge them to be morally good, and harshly judge as homophobic, hateful and unjust those who disapprove of these actions.
Dr. Joseph Nicolosi and others who work clinically with egodystonic same-sex attracted men identify the underlying cause as a primal wound to one's sense of masculinity...gender self-esteem...rooted pl largely in a weak connection with the father and secondly a misattunement with a doting or distant Mom and thirdly an inability to relate and compete with boy peers. The young boy, distant from and threatened by his father's masculinity, feels an interior void, and emptiness, a longing for the Father which becomes eroticized later, in puberty, as the urge to quell the longing by physical reception of the desired (father-surrogate) male. The underlying need is emotional, not purely physical.
DEEP-SEATED ATTRACTION
What does the Church mean that it cannot ordain men with "deep-seated" same sex attractions? The phrase is happily vague and ambiguous as it allows for a prudential judgment, a modulated openness to men whose overall maturity, generosity and holiness countervail the attraction. "Deep-seated" would seem to mean: has lived a chaste, continent life for a long period; does not advocate gay culture or practice the lifestyle; is free from the bondage of obsessive fantasy and pornography; and demonstrates a mature paternal character including peace with authority, whether exercising it or obeying it.
ORIENTATION?
Derived from the word "orient" or "east", orientation refers to a sense of direction, purpose or order. Morally and spiritually, our "orientation" is simply towards, or away from, God and His Kingdom. "Sexual orientation"is a grave misnomer as it is terrible to think of one's life direction as determined by sexual feelings and passions. To identify oneself or another by sexual feelings is a grave reduction and indignity. Growing up I despised the word "queer" as an expression of contempt and an attempt to reduce and define a man. Currently, I dislike the word "gay" for similar reasons. I prefer not even to refer to someone as "a homosexual" as it seems to define the person by this specific quality. Much better to speak of "my friend who has same-sex attraction." This is factual and objective but does not define the person down to his sexual desires. Diabetes, hypertension, anemia or dementia do not define the essence of a person! Nor does homosexuality! What matters is the act of the will, the decision how to direct the condition.
BORN GAY?
No one is "born gay" just as no one is born a wife-beater, a pedophile or a terrorist. If science did uncover a "gay gene" or some combination of hormonal-neurological-morphological chemistry as a biological cause, consider a thought experiment. If a simple injection or surgery could transform the fetus to be homosexual or heterosexual, we would be left with a moral dilema: do we allow random chance to prevail? restore to "hetero-normativity? or indulge the parental preference? In short, the etiology (origin) of the condition does not resolve the moral question although gay militants insist on a biological origin to gain sympathy and affirm normality.
Nicolosi finds that normally the pre-homosexual boy has a tempermental sensitivity that makes him vulnerable to the attraction. So there is indeed a nature/nurture combination. The anxious, shy, fragiel and unathletic boy may have difficulty in bonding with Dad, especially if he is emotionally distant, nervous, insecure, distracted by addiction or work obsession, or unsettled in his own paternity and virility.
WOUND OF SHAME
The Reparative Therapy (of Nicolosi and others, as distinct from more problematic "conversion therapy") identifies a primal wound of shame underlying the same sex attraction. According to this narrative, a loss of attachment, primarily with the father, (but also with mother, older siblings and friends) leaves the boy with a feeling of emptiness, loss and unworthiness especially in regard to his own masculinity. The key reality here is shame: a trauma-based sense of worthlessness in the eyes of others, a deep and paralyzing emptiness in regards to ones own masculinity. This depletes the boy of all joy, assertiveness, spontaneity, and confidence. It ushers one into the "gray zone" which is a psychological fogginess, a loss of all emotion and passion, a pervasive impotence. Later in puberty, this inner emptiness and yearning for identification with virility can become eroticized into same-sex attraction. A glance at a handsome, confident, athletic classmate triggers a deep but swift dread: "he is everything that I am not! how handsome he is! how worthless am I!" Instantaneously and unconsciously this dread changes into desire: "Wouldn't it be wonderful to be united with him!"
By this account, the desire is a symptom, but not the root problem. The real wound is the underlying, unconscious shame, the sense of masculine inadequacy and loss. Healing involves getting below the surface to the pain of shame, the feeling of abandonment and rejection and re-experiencing, in the presence of a "salient" (strong and loving) man who is affirming and accepting and allows the pain to be suffered and then surrendered.
WHAT HAPPENED TO REVERENT PRIVACY?
Before the sexual revolution (1965) we entertained a discretion, a modesty, a reverence about sex. It was not spoken of. This could take a turn towards the negativity of embarrassment and shame but basically it expressed a sense of the sacred, wonderful, even Godly nature of masculinity and femininity in all their passion, fragility, delicacy and intimacy. The revolution changed all this: sexuality was unveiled, dis-enchanted and became commonplace, prosaic and improperly explicit. Gay militancy perpetuates this unhappy development with its narcissistic compulsion to talk about desires and actions that are best left to the confidentiality of close friendship, therapy and confession.
UNBOUND FROM SHAME
The primal, unconscious root shame underlying the attraction is quite distinct from the social stigma that society has always associated with the condition. Social disapproval, of course, lays another layer of shame upon the person, but it is crucial that we unpack the distinct layers of shame. It is a wholesome, healing development that social stigma be removed from same sex attraction, much like that connected to mental illness. It is not helpful, however, to affirm schizophrenia as a "normal" normal and healthy (remember Szaz?) Removal of the stigma is a good thing; but that is not to normalize the desire or the action.
Because of original sin, we are all of us wounded and disordered, in a mesmerizing variety of ways. This attraction is quite ordinary and prosaic. But the shame is a huge deal: that due to social contempt and that rooted in the primal attachment loss.
Shame is a vicious, toxic thing! It is endemic to our condition. It is the deep conviction that I am worthless and disgusting, in the eyes of others, and therefore in my very self. It contrasts with guilt which can be a wholesome and salutary awareness of specific wrong-doing and is easily resolved by contrition and amends. Shame surrounds the spirit and renders it impotent. It is not rational, not based on truth; but it is not irrational as it is responsive to the real views of others. So, the homosexual feels despised by society (not an illusion) but more deeply he felt (and feels) disregarded by Mom or Dad or significant other.
Healing from shame involves recognition of it, owning of it, conscious experience of it; and then speaking of it with others. Shame is fundamentally an attachment disorder, a sense of separation from others. Clearly, the antidote is connection with others. Here we see the healing dynamic of the 12-steps, of the sacrament of confession (which primarily addresses guilt, but helps with shame) and the importance of "coming out." Everyone, with whatever condition involving shame, has got to "come out" and talk about it...but not with everyone! Not with the entire world! But with a particular, safe, protective and accepting Other. So we have the seal of confession; the anonymity and confidentiality of AA; professional ethics of psychology; and the trust in a friend.
And so, returning to the question of the gay priest: we see that a homosexual priest needs a small, trusted circle of friend/family/counselor/confessors wherein he can disclose his struggles, desires and shame and thereby dispel the last. But a public announcement of one's self-identity as "gay" would be a glaring contradiction of the Catholic ethos of chastity.
TRUCE OF PEACE ON THE GROUND
In my world...urban, largely Catholic, ethnically diverse, working and lower class Jersey City...we have peace about homosexuality. We know each other, work together serenely, treat each other with affection and respect. We don't argue, manipulate or fight with each other. The issue does not come up. This is a good thing! The Culture War does not happen in my small universe, but I read about in the news, journals and on TV. There is an implicit truce: we respect you, and you us! It is like vegetarians and carnivores: I have my steak and you your salad. It is not a problem! It is like smokers and abstainers: they smoke in designated places and we don't judge, instruct or belittle them. We Catholics have a right to teach and live our ethos...an ethos of chastity, restrain, and "hetero-normativity." Others may live differently, without dictating to us their values. So, No, a Catholic school would not employ openly gay teachers or counselors...any more than it would someone who was openly a fornicator, a pornographer, or a contraceptor. Eventually I think this peace will prevail in the broader society. (By contrast, the war over abortion, infanticide, and the value of innocent life is irreconcilable!)
IN PRAISE OF THE HYPOCRITE
A preferred trope of the gay liberation movement in the Church is the alleged existence of a large number of covert, disguised clergy, especially in the Vatican. By this story line, open acknowledgement of this reality and acceptance of the gay lifestyle, even in the clergy, will be a major moral advance in that hypocrisy is overcome. It is true that lack of authenticity, of genuineness is a source of grave scandal. On the other hand, I prefer an authority who proclaims the truth but fails to live it to one who denies the truth and deliberately leads others into sin. Jesus admonished us to follow what the Pharisees teach, not what they do. We have heard: "Do what I say; not what I do." There is a humility and honesty here: A Christian is always a hypocrite, always falling far short of his ideals, ever in the tension of guilt, disappointment and shame. This tension is unavoidalbe and irrepressible. It is, in a way, wholesome and normal. We all have our hidden sins; that is why we have confession. Imagine two fathers, both are cheating on their wives: one upholds the ideal and teaches (hypocritically) his sons that they need to be chaste and faithful in marriage and to fail in this is a great sin; the second father coaches his sons that promiscuity is manly and acceptable. I prefer the hypocrite! So, in a strange way, it is better that a gay clerical culture is underground, in the closet: thereby they pay homage to the truth, even as they fail to live the gospel life because of deep compulsions and loneliness.
RHETORIC OF INCLUSION ; LGBTQ AFFIRMATION
Cardinals Tobin and Cupich, Father James Martin and their cohort, with the ambiguous support of our pontiff, are leading a drive to shift to a language of inclusion that welcomes the LGBT community and downplays language of sin and disorder. The intentions here are kind and compassionate. But there is a huge problem with this if traditional Catholic teaching on sex has value and if there is significant truth to the claim of Nicholosi and others that the attraction, and even more the gay identity, camouflage a deeper wound, a trauma of attachment loss, an inner emptiness a desperate longing for virility. If there is indeed a psychic wound underlying this attraction, than it is a denial, to simply affirm homosexual desire and gay identity as natural, innate, and wholesome. For our adolescents, particularly, the sponsorship (by Catholic high schools and others) of LGBT support groups is particularly toxic and unmerciful in that it enables and encourages a primal, but ultimately dysfunctional attempt to repair the wound to the young man's virility. On the first level it affirms the sexual desire as wholesome; on the second it confirms the gay identity as praiseworthy. In doing so, it unconsciously hides and, denies and intensifies the underlying wound of attachment loss.
In short: compassion, in truth, requires that we renounce gay identity and lifestyle as self-destructive and delusional. More importantly, it directs that we empathize with the deeper pain and longing that generate this tormenting desire. Thirdly, it urges us to work to become free of emasculating shame, not only social stigma but the deeper underlying trauma of attachment loss. Lastly, it leads us to joyously, gratefully welcome the immense emotional, spiritual and intellectual richness that commonly accompanies this attraction.
Full Disclosure: What follows are reflections of a grateful homo-phile. I have been blessed with delightful friendships with many homosexual and gay men. Happily free of phobia or resentment, I share with them so much in the way of sensibility, values, beliefs and longings; I delight in their intelligence, sensitivity, humor; I appreciate the suffering, frustration, shame and underlying longing of their attractions; and I identify because I experience my own disordered concupiscence and longing which is essentially similar to theirs.
"GAY"
1970, fresh out of college and the revolutionary 60s, I was teaching ESL to Hispanics in the South Bronx, studying (as a mendicant amateur) theology at Union/Woodstock, courting my wife-to-be on weekends in NJ and I was quite lonely...except for my dear friend George Lissandrello and his gay friends on the lower East Side. This is immediately after the Stonewall riot and the beginning of the gay movement. One day George quietly, somberly spoke: "The gay life...(pause)...is a very, very sad." It was delivered and received in reverent silence, like a divine oracle. I knew not to question or comment.. I let the sadness sit peacefully, wondering what he meant. Some time later George told me he had AIDs. We never heard from him and assume he died in that plague.
For sure he meant that "gay" is not gay in the sense of merry, happy, silly and light! Quite the contrary! The word is deliberately ironic, fallacious, contradictory, histrionic, and performative. This word means much more than "i am a man attracted to men." It means additionally:
- "I approve of the attraction, acts, lifestyle and culture. I intend to indulge and encourage others."
- "I identify myself by this attraction or "orientation" as expressive as my truest, deepest self."
- "I publicly announce this and demand social approval. I will rage at any disapproval."
EGODYSTONIC AND EGOSYNTONIC
"Egosystonic" is a condition, impulse or drive in harmony with the ego, ideal self, and moral principles. "Egodystonic" is, by contrast, an impulse dissonant with or contradictory of the deeper self of ego, conscience and values. So, an intense, irrepressible impulse to torture and kill Eritreans would be serenely egosystonic for a psychopath, but excruciatingly egodystonic for a sensitive, pacifist Catholic Worker.
Many of our best, holiest priests and religious have been egodystonic homosexuals. They gently, peacefully receive this attraction as a cross, a crown of thorns, a passion and a frustration to be suffered patiently as they grow in a love that is paternal, fraternal, and chaste. This weakness and trial opens them up to the travails of others. This condition also comes associated, as Jung said, with emotional, spiritual riches including compassion, aesthetic appreciation, and spiritual intuition,.
The egodysntonic homosexual will avail himself of resources to diminish the sexual compulsion, heal the underlying wounds that cause it, and strengthen himself in masculinity, paternity, chastity, gnerosity and interior serenity. This would include sacramental confession, therapy (reparative), sound friendships, support groups (Courage), spiritual direction and a deep prayer life. The egosystonic homosexual will self-declare as gay: adapt his moral views to his sexual impulses, judge them to be morally good, and harshly judge as homophobic, hateful and unjust those who disapprove of these actions.
Dr. Joseph Nicolosi and others who work clinically with egodystonic same-sex attracted men identify the underlying cause as a primal wound to one's sense of masculinity...gender self-esteem...rooted pl largely in a weak connection with the father and secondly a misattunement with a doting or distant Mom and thirdly an inability to relate and compete with boy peers. The young boy, distant from and threatened by his father's masculinity, feels an interior void, and emptiness, a longing for the Father which becomes eroticized later, in puberty, as the urge to quell the longing by physical reception of the desired (father-surrogate) male. The underlying need is emotional, not purely physical.
DEEP-SEATED ATTRACTION
What does the Church mean that it cannot ordain men with "deep-seated" same sex attractions? The phrase is happily vague and ambiguous as it allows for a prudential judgment, a modulated openness to men whose overall maturity, generosity and holiness countervail the attraction. "Deep-seated" would seem to mean: has lived a chaste, continent life for a long period; does not advocate gay culture or practice the lifestyle; is free from the bondage of obsessive fantasy and pornography; and demonstrates a mature paternal character including peace with authority, whether exercising it or obeying it.
ORIENTATION?
Derived from the word "orient" or "east", orientation refers to a sense of direction, purpose or order. Morally and spiritually, our "orientation" is simply towards, or away from, God and His Kingdom. "Sexual orientation"is a grave misnomer as it is terrible to think of one's life direction as determined by sexual feelings and passions. To identify oneself or another by sexual feelings is a grave reduction and indignity. Growing up I despised the word "queer" as an expression of contempt and an attempt to reduce and define a man. Currently, I dislike the word "gay" for similar reasons. I prefer not even to refer to someone as "a homosexual" as it seems to define the person by this specific quality. Much better to speak of "my friend who has same-sex attraction." This is factual and objective but does not define the person down to his sexual desires. Diabetes, hypertension, anemia or dementia do not define the essence of a person! Nor does homosexuality! What matters is the act of the will, the decision how to direct the condition.
BORN GAY?
No one is "born gay" just as no one is born a wife-beater, a pedophile or a terrorist. If science did uncover a "gay gene" or some combination of hormonal-neurological-morphological chemistry as a biological cause, consider a thought experiment. If a simple injection or surgery could transform the fetus to be homosexual or heterosexual, we would be left with a moral dilema: do we allow random chance to prevail? restore to "hetero-normativity? or indulge the parental preference? In short, the etiology (origin) of the condition does not resolve the moral question although gay militants insist on a biological origin to gain sympathy and affirm normality.
Nicolosi finds that normally the pre-homosexual boy has a tempermental sensitivity that makes him vulnerable to the attraction. So there is indeed a nature/nurture combination. The anxious, shy, fragiel and unathletic boy may have difficulty in bonding with Dad, especially if he is emotionally distant, nervous, insecure, distracted by addiction or work obsession, or unsettled in his own paternity and virility.
WOUND OF SHAME
The Reparative Therapy (of Nicolosi and others, as distinct from more problematic "conversion therapy") identifies a primal wound of shame underlying the same sex attraction. According to this narrative, a loss of attachment, primarily with the father, (but also with mother, older siblings and friends) leaves the boy with a feeling of emptiness, loss and unworthiness especially in regard to his own masculinity. The key reality here is shame: a trauma-based sense of worthlessness in the eyes of others, a deep and paralyzing emptiness in regards to ones own masculinity. This depletes the boy of all joy, assertiveness, spontaneity, and confidence. It ushers one into the "gray zone" which is a psychological fogginess, a loss of all emotion and passion, a pervasive impotence. Later in puberty, this inner emptiness and yearning for identification with virility can become eroticized into same-sex attraction. A glance at a handsome, confident, athletic classmate triggers a deep but swift dread: "he is everything that I am not! how handsome he is! how worthless am I!" Instantaneously and unconsciously this dread changes into desire: "Wouldn't it be wonderful to be united with him!"
By this account, the desire is a symptom, but not the root problem. The real wound is the underlying, unconscious shame, the sense of masculine inadequacy and loss. Healing involves getting below the surface to the pain of shame, the feeling of abandonment and rejection and re-experiencing, in the presence of a "salient" (strong and loving) man who is affirming and accepting and allows the pain to be suffered and then surrendered.
WHAT HAPPENED TO REVERENT PRIVACY?
Before the sexual revolution (1965) we entertained a discretion, a modesty, a reverence about sex. It was not spoken of. This could take a turn towards the negativity of embarrassment and shame but basically it expressed a sense of the sacred, wonderful, even Godly nature of masculinity and femininity in all their passion, fragility, delicacy and intimacy. The revolution changed all this: sexuality was unveiled, dis-enchanted and became commonplace, prosaic and improperly explicit. Gay militancy perpetuates this unhappy development with its narcissistic compulsion to talk about desires and actions that are best left to the confidentiality of close friendship, therapy and confession.
UNBOUND FROM SHAME
The primal, unconscious root shame underlying the attraction is quite distinct from the social stigma that society has always associated with the condition. Social disapproval, of course, lays another layer of shame upon the person, but it is crucial that we unpack the distinct layers of shame. It is a wholesome, healing development that social stigma be removed from same sex attraction, much like that connected to mental illness. It is not helpful, however, to affirm schizophrenia as a "normal" normal and healthy (remember Szaz?) Removal of the stigma is a good thing; but that is not to normalize the desire or the action.
Because of original sin, we are all of us wounded and disordered, in a mesmerizing variety of ways. This attraction is quite ordinary and prosaic. But the shame is a huge deal: that due to social contempt and that rooted in the primal attachment loss.
Shame is a vicious, toxic thing! It is endemic to our condition. It is the deep conviction that I am worthless and disgusting, in the eyes of others, and therefore in my very self. It contrasts with guilt which can be a wholesome and salutary awareness of specific wrong-doing and is easily resolved by contrition and amends. Shame surrounds the spirit and renders it impotent. It is not rational, not based on truth; but it is not irrational as it is responsive to the real views of others. So, the homosexual feels despised by society (not an illusion) but more deeply he felt (and feels) disregarded by Mom or Dad or significant other.
Healing from shame involves recognition of it, owning of it, conscious experience of it; and then speaking of it with others. Shame is fundamentally an attachment disorder, a sense of separation from others. Clearly, the antidote is connection with others. Here we see the healing dynamic of the 12-steps, of the sacrament of confession (which primarily addresses guilt, but helps with shame) and the importance of "coming out." Everyone, with whatever condition involving shame, has got to "come out" and talk about it...but not with everyone! Not with the entire world! But with a particular, safe, protective and accepting Other. So we have the seal of confession; the anonymity and confidentiality of AA; professional ethics of psychology; and the trust in a friend.
And so, returning to the question of the gay priest: we see that a homosexual priest needs a small, trusted circle of friend/family/counselor/confessors wherein he can disclose his struggles, desires and shame and thereby dispel the last. But a public announcement of one's self-identity as "gay" would be a glaring contradiction of the Catholic ethos of chastity.
TRUCE OF PEACE ON THE GROUND
In my world...urban, largely Catholic, ethnically diverse, working and lower class Jersey City...we have peace about homosexuality. We know each other, work together serenely, treat each other with affection and respect. We don't argue, manipulate or fight with each other. The issue does not come up. This is a good thing! The Culture War does not happen in my small universe, but I read about in the news, journals and on TV. There is an implicit truce: we respect you, and you us! It is like vegetarians and carnivores: I have my steak and you your salad. It is not a problem! It is like smokers and abstainers: they smoke in designated places and we don't judge, instruct or belittle them. We Catholics have a right to teach and live our ethos...an ethos of chastity, restrain, and "hetero-normativity." Others may live differently, without dictating to us their values. So, No, a Catholic school would not employ openly gay teachers or counselors...any more than it would someone who was openly a fornicator, a pornographer, or a contraceptor. Eventually I think this peace will prevail in the broader society. (By contrast, the war over abortion, infanticide, and the value of innocent life is irreconcilable!)
IN PRAISE OF THE HYPOCRITE
A preferred trope of the gay liberation movement in the Church is the alleged existence of a large number of covert, disguised clergy, especially in the Vatican. By this story line, open acknowledgement of this reality and acceptance of the gay lifestyle, even in the clergy, will be a major moral advance in that hypocrisy is overcome. It is true that lack of authenticity, of genuineness is a source of grave scandal. On the other hand, I prefer an authority who proclaims the truth but fails to live it to one who denies the truth and deliberately leads others into sin. Jesus admonished us to follow what the Pharisees teach, not what they do. We have heard: "Do what I say; not what I do." There is a humility and honesty here: A Christian is always a hypocrite, always falling far short of his ideals, ever in the tension of guilt, disappointment and shame. This tension is unavoidalbe and irrepressible. It is, in a way, wholesome and normal. We all have our hidden sins; that is why we have confession. Imagine two fathers, both are cheating on their wives: one upholds the ideal and teaches (hypocritically) his sons that they need to be chaste and faithful in marriage and to fail in this is a great sin; the second father coaches his sons that promiscuity is manly and acceptable. I prefer the hypocrite! So, in a strange way, it is better that a gay clerical culture is underground, in the closet: thereby they pay homage to the truth, even as they fail to live the gospel life because of deep compulsions and loneliness.
RHETORIC OF INCLUSION ; LGBTQ AFFIRMATION
Cardinals Tobin and Cupich, Father James Martin and their cohort, with the ambiguous support of our pontiff, are leading a drive to shift to a language of inclusion that welcomes the LGBT community and downplays language of sin and disorder. The intentions here are kind and compassionate. But there is a huge problem with this if traditional Catholic teaching on sex has value and if there is significant truth to the claim of Nicholosi and others that the attraction, and even more the gay identity, camouflage a deeper wound, a trauma of attachment loss, an inner emptiness a desperate longing for virility. If there is indeed a psychic wound underlying this attraction, than it is a denial, to simply affirm homosexual desire and gay identity as natural, innate, and wholesome. For our adolescents, particularly, the sponsorship (by Catholic high schools and others) of LGBT support groups is particularly toxic and unmerciful in that it enables and encourages a primal, but ultimately dysfunctional attempt to repair the wound to the young man's virility. On the first level it affirms the sexual desire as wholesome; on the second it confirms the gay identity as praiseworthy. In doing so, it unconsciously hides and, denies and intensifies the underlying wound of attachment loss.
In short: compassion, in truth, requires that we renounce gay identity and lifestyle as self-destructive and delusional. More importantly, it directs that we empathize with the deeper pain and longing that generate this tormenting desire. Thirdly, it urges us to work to become free of emasculating shame, not only social stigma but the deeper underlying trauma of attachment loss. Lastly, it leads us to joyously, gratefully welcome the immense emotional, spiritual and intellectual richness that commonly accompanies this attraction.
Full Disclosure: What follows are reflections of a grateful homo-phile. I have been blessed with delightful friendships with many homosexual and gay men. Happily free of phobia or resentment, I share with them so much in the way of sensibility, values, beliefs and longings; I delight in their intelligence, sensitivity, humor; I appreciate the suffering, frustration, shame and underlying longing of their attractions; and I identify because I experience my own disordered concupiscence and longing which is essentially similar to theirs.
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