An Epiphany of the Heart

It was an extraordinary event: a genuine epiphany.

The year was 1998; the occasion was an international Recovery Convention for those seeking freedom from sexual compulsions through practice of the 12-steps of AA. So meaningful and fruitful were the special sessions for those with same-sex attraction that a large group had decided to spontaneously gather late Saturday evening, after all scheduled events, to continue sharing their “experience, strength and hope” in their common search for sobriety and interior freedom. The personal sharings grew deeper and truer, reaching unprecedented levels of candor, humility, sincerity, intimacy and vulnerability.

A brother spoke about the time he had called a young male prostitute to his hotel room.

“Please don’t think this is stupid. I will, of course, pay you the normal fee for your services. But that is not what I want. I just want you to be here with me. And I want you to hold me.”

“Oh, that’s not stupid,” replied the young man, “I get that all the time. That is what all you guys want.”

An awesome hush fell upon the room. A nerve had been struck. Then the weeping began. First it was gentle and quiet. Then it spread. There was not a dry eye in that large group of men. Then it grew in tenor and tone: deep, heartfelt moans and groans could be heard all over the room.

Only in the context of unusual spiritual honesty and vulnerability could such a profound disclosure occur. All of these men had been involved for some time in the 12-step process: fearless honesty in disclosure of character failures; amendment of past wrongs; full dependence upon a higher power; accountability through the sponsor relationship; acceptance of imperfection and growth in honesty and sobriety.

The core of homosexual desire was unveiled at that providential session: it is not about sex at all. It is the longing to be loved and to love; it is about the noble masculine hunger to be cherished as a son, as a brother, as a friend. It is the desire that, at the deepest level, defines each of us. It is, at last, a longing for our heavenly Father and His kingdom.