Why Do Men Hate Women?

Misogyny: Where does it come from? The roots are complex, dense, profound, multilayered! But I (as a man myself) have some ideas. 1st, the disengagement from Mother, the oedipal passage into attachment with Father including weening and everything else, hardly goes perfectly and so it leaves an emotional wound, an aching loneliness. Ideally, this residual longing inflames the romantic passion and drives the man into the spousal embrace where it can be healed and transformed. In a worse case scenario, as a result of the dis-attachment, the man harbors a resentment against women. 2nd, in an even worse development, the oedipal passage is entirely frustrated by a smothering mother who refuses to "cut the apron strings." This can leave the emerging man vulnerable to waves of dread and resentment against the dark force that enslaves and emasculates him. This sad development seems more prevalent today. Sixty years ago, most of us grew up in large, intact families and the mothers met their emotional needs with their husbands and a group of children. Today, the single-mother with one son has become common and it is understandable that such a mom might unconsciously transfer her emotional needs to the son who is then enmeshed, smothered, confused and eventually enraged. 3rd, the adolescent male psyche, for reasons biological as well as sociological, over-values strength, independence, autonomy, and decisiveness. By contrast, the female psyche...spontaneously, effortless, gracefully...is empathetic, relational, maternal, interdependent, humble and generous. The immature male brain often perceives the very splendor of the woman as weak and dependent and he despises her! 4th, with puberty the young man is invaded by overpowering physical desire for the woman and spends an inordinate amount of the rest of his life in a state of arousal and frustration. It is not fun to want something so intensely and not get it; and so...rage! This frustration is intensified by a culture of pornography and license. 5th, these overwhelming passions bring with them dark currents of shame, guilt and fear. People like to blame the Church but that is a slander. These emotions are more primal, universal and irrepressible. Fear is especially important even as it is unrecognized: subconsciously, the lusting man knows he is out of control and he is afraid but does not know it and has no clue how to heal. So: hatred of the woman! 6th, longing for woman  and for fulfillment through spousal communion was infused into us at our creation. But this entails an inter-dependency, a vulnerability, a humility and a receptivity. As mentioned above, the immature male ego...insecure, fragile but rigid, arrogant...cannot tolerate his own "weakness" and so resents the one he craves. 7th, the man is abstract, analytic detached; the woman is concrete, synthetic and engaged. We are created to compliment and fulfill each other; but under conditions of suspicion and fear, the one attacks the other. 8th, we delve deeper into the psychology of dependence: all of us come from a mother, a female body, a finite and mortal creature. The woman is a reminder of our beginning, but also of our end: that we are mortal and will die.  This dread of death is also reinforced by the drastic experience of masculine arousal and climax which is a premonition of death as finality. And so, dreading death the man despises the messenger! 9th, for a man to love a woman with the reverence and tenderness she deserves he needs a deep interior reservoir of gentle, confident, generous strength. This does not come naturally: it comes with after an intensive, extended discipleship; after being tested, disciplined, corrected, coached and encouraged; as a result of participation in a brotherhood of chivalry and courage; and the result of ordination by the brothers and elders and as a gift from on high. Our anti-gender culture has stripped our young men of almost all the paths to ennobling masculinity. Thus emasculated, misogyny becomes an attractive option.  10th, it will be helpful to distinguish two expressions of misogyny: aggression and indifference. The first is obvious enough in abuse (verbal, emotional, sexual, violent) but the second is arguably more prevalent and catastrophic. It is disengagement, dismissal, and negligence. In the Genesis account, Eve is seduced by Satan when she is alone, unaccompanied by her partner. This suggests that part of the descent into sin was a disengagement on the part of the man: he did not care enough or he was distracted or lazy and discouraged. 11th, we know that Satan despises Woman more than any other creature and he simply loves to draw men into his misogyny. We see that he targeted the woman Eve, not the man. A credible tradition has it that his revolt against God was out of a furious envy when he learned that a woman...fleshly, mortal, dependent, modest, humble, fragile...was to be the Mother of God and Queen of Angels, including himself! This was TOO much! Since then, he despises woman and seduces us men to join him. A misogynist is a lackey, a stooge, a lapdog of Satan. By contrast, a Friend of God is a Lover of Women...passionate, tender, reverent...a Lover of Women! 12th and last: we were created, man and woman, for tender, generous, reverent intimacy with each other...within a greater intimacy of adoration, with God's very self. When we fall out of that ultimate relationship, we fall into suspicion, fear, shame and resentment. Misogyny! And so, eventually we men rediscover our love for women through our love for God. Woman is God's greatest creation, as epitomized in Mary our Mother, and Jesus, like his Father, is the Great Philogynist ("philo" lover, "gynist" of women). A friend of God is a lover of women! In the gospels we see that women are drawn to him...he does not seek them out or call them to be disciples...but they are drawn to him and love him...Mary Magdalen, the Samaritan divorcee, the woman caught in adultery, Mary and Martha. He just loves women...for themselves, in perfect purity and generosity, in gentle, tender strength. So, when we approach the Eucharist to receive his body and blood, we are ourselves receptive to the Bridegroom who loves us, his bride. But we men especially approach our brother, captain, Lord and God...eager to imbibe his love for women...to be healed of fear, insecurity, weakness...and be filled with his gentle, pure, geneous love! A Friend of God is a Lover of
Woman...tender and yet fierce, passionate and yet chaste, reverent and yet exhilarated...a Lover of Woman!

Fidelity and Fecundity

Success, productivity, achievement and efficiency are all good values, in their proper place, but are vastly overrated, even idolized, in our culture that is sick with meritocracy (the competent are inordinately rewarded, the slow or disabled are neglected and even despised), careerism (we value people by their achievements), and techno-idolatry (obsession with control and production; dismissal of contemplation as resting in beauty and meaning.) The ugliest word in the English language is "reproductive" as applied to sexuality and conception. When I taught high school girls, a "liberated" feminist colleague asked me: "Doesn't it scare you that our students could be reproductive agents?" I was quiet and then asked: "Do you mean mothers?" What scared her I didn't know; for my part I was in awe of the mysterious endowment of  maternity these young women already enjoyed in potential.  "Reproduction" to me means xeroxing copies of some form; or an assembly line that cranks out 750 widgets an hour, all identical and therefore "reproduced."  To apply this mechanical term to the Mystery of conjugal love and human conception is sacrilegious  and blasphemous. Anyone who can speak this word with a straight face is already lost in a world bereft of depth, enchantment, purpose or splendor! By contrast with the empty, stark, dismal world of "reproduction" is the luminous Mystery of conjugal communion, fidelity, intimacy and fecundity (fruitfulness). These indwell each other in an enchanting and awesome manner. Fidelity, communion and intimacy (emotional, intellectual, and spiritual as well as physical) entail a mutuality in rest and deep interaction between the Lovers, be they married, friends or family members. These are not actions, externally, against objects as in the production process, but a mysticism of profound, active-and-receptive inter-communion. And out of this, there emerges...surprisingly, mysteriously, wondrously,..fecundity or fruitfulness. The epitome of this is, of course, the union of man and woman which is blessed by the procreation of an utterly new and distinct and infinitely valuable person. But something similar happens between friends and family members and marvelously so in any genuine spiritual friendship, that is any relationship of affection and respect in which the two, or more, open up to the True, the Beautiful and the Good. Imagine the fecundity of a garden: it is not a production or achievement but a serendipitous synchronocity that involves seed, soil, nutrients, water, sunshine and a greater directing hand that we can refer to as nature or God. Something wonderful, ineffable, and inexplicable is at work...beyond even the sum total of the elements. And so, let's ease up on efficiency, achievement and productivity! Let's surrender ourselves, in fidelity, to each other, and our purposes, and our communities/families, and our God! Let's rest with each other and in each other...inefficiently...in affection, reverence, tenderness...and hope for the fecundity that comes only as gift!

Fatherless: A World Without Men

In an insightful, encouraging article, Jacqueline Mattis ("Religion and Spirituality in the Meaning Making and Coping Experiences of Afro-American Women: a Qualitative Analysis" in Psychology of Woman Quarterly 26 (2006) 309-321) highlights the importance of faith and prayer in the lives of representative Afro-American women. Far from a crutch or a sign of immaturity/irrationality, she shows that religion/spirituality is a source of strength, determination, resilience and purpose as such women face tremendous adversity and hardship. How refreshing to find, in a journal of academic psychology, such a witness to the quiet strength, patience, perseverence and serenity of spirit that is so common among mature black women in our society! How good to see the development of a positive psychology that considers the role of faith in the development of character and virtue! What a change from the predominant trends of psychology when I was a student in the 1960s! There were arguably three such that impacted the Catholic and Christian communities: the Freudian which was straightforward about its contempt for religion as a crutch and an irrationality; the humanist psychology of Rogers that idolized individual subjectivity, self-fulfillment and personal choice and implicitly/covertly, which is to say deceitfully, despised any restraints on the Imperial Self such as humility, obedience, chastity or piety; and there was Jung's gnostic cult of the deeper self which preached an alternative religious belief and practice but masqueraded as scientific psychology. Of the three, Freud was refreshing for his honesty and candor. A worthy, forthright opponent is of infinitely more worth than a deceitful and seductive "friend": Jung and Rogers (despite their valid contributions), in their pretense as an "enlightened Christianity," did far more to undermine faith   than did the blatant, militant atheism of Freud. Happily, Mattis emphasizes the role of intimate relationships with other women, especially the mother/daughter connection, in the vigorous spirituality of these women. It is here, however, that a dark shadow descends: Where are the men? The only reference to men is indirect as she sees the confrontation with patriarchy. The only masculinity here is the toxic, oppressive and hostile hegemony of the (bad) patriarch! No benevolent, supportive presence of father, grandfather, bridegroom, brother or male friend. To the extent that men are present, they are the enemy! Related to this is her important distinction between religion and spirituality: the former she understands to be adherence to the practices and beliefs of an organized religion, while the later is a more subjective activity by individual. She rightly says that they overlap each other and pledges to use the language of the participants in the study. But this reader was struck by the overwhelming predominance of spirituality over religion. Faith for these women, aside from intimate relationships with other women, is an activity by a single individual facing overwhelming adversity and supported by the Higher Power. There is no mention of sacrament, authority, tradition, priesthood, preaching, law, liturgy or ritual. Now religion (from the Latin "religio" meaning "bonds") has to do with the connections between people, in community here and now and also with the broader Church as well as our ancestors, descendants and all those who preceeded and follow us. These representative women have a deep, spontaneous, and intense closeness to a few women but apparently little meaningful connection to a broader community or the "masculine" world of objective, institutional religion. The later is implicitly viewed as hostile to the feminine spirit. Now it is true that women are by nature vastly more spiritual, open to the transcendent, compassionate, generous, and humble in their need for help from above. It is the men who are challenged in these arenas of compassion, generosity and piety. It is the men who desperately need a PROGRAM of laws, authority, tradition, ritual and discipline for them to develop a masculine spirituality as son of the Father, bridegroom of the woman, and father...above all as father. Despite the customary feminist reference to (bad) patriarchy, the world presented in this article is that of a matriarchy where the women care for each other and the children and defend themselves against the man. Spirituality as a heroic,  largely solitary project is seen as vastly superior to religion as formalized, impersonal, and oppressive. But it was NOT meant to be so: we were created for each other...men and women...to desire, and delight and reverence each other...to be charmed and fascinated and thrilled by each other...to tenderly care for and honor each other. The problem, of course, is not with the women, but with us men. These and similar women are amazing in their resourcefulness and resiliency. Femininity is a mysterious endowment of compassion, goodness, trust and humility! Women can and do live without men! They can and do live without organized religion! But it was not meant to be so! Men cannot live without women: we become vicious thugs or passive wimps! Jesus himself did not call women to be his disciples and apostles; rather they were spontaneously, without invitation, drawn to him (Mary Magdallen, Mary and Martha, all the women at the foot of the cross). But Jesus knew it was the men who needed a rigorous, intense period of mentorship and discipleship in order to become disciples, fathers, priests. And so today it is us men who similarly need spiritual fathers, fraternal fellowship, and rigorous progams of spiritual development...that we become the sons, brothers, bridegrooms and fathers (as well as uncles, cousins...) that our women deserve!

Sara

The name Sara or Sarah means "Princess or Noblewoman" and indicates a woman of dignity, elegance, influence and goodness. The scriptural Sarai had her name changed to Sarah by God in the life-changing covenant He established with Abraham and Sarah and seemed to strengthen the good and strong meanings of the name. Strangely (to us), she was half-sister (same father, different mother) and wife of Abraham. In that culture (and Muslim societies even today) the incest taboo was less rigid and allowed for such combinations of blood relationship and marriage. We see this reflected even in the love poetry of the Song of Solomon where the groom refers to his Beloved as his "sister"...something strange and dissonant for the modern ear. Her beauty was so extraordinary that Abraham made a habit of introducing her as his sister, not wife, lest his hosts kill him to possess her. Twice she cooperated, loyally and obediently, in order to save his life.  Both times she was accepted into the household of the hosts, Pharoh and Abimelech, in order to be wed. Both times God intervened to save her from defilement and her husband from death. The modern reader sees here perversion. But the ancient scripts are boldly free of moralism and of excuses:  she, and her husband, lie and risk adultery to save his life: period. It is not excused; it is not rationalized! These early texts are refreshing in their candor about the unvarnished failings of the protagonists:  what always emerges is God's gracious hand in delivering His people in spite of their glaring sins and failings. Here Sara can be seen as emblematic of so many women who are betrayed by their men but mysteriously protected by Another. Overall, perhaps the most striking quality of Sara is her loyalty to and deep communion with Abraham. Although polygamy was common at that time, especially for those as affluent as Abraham, they seem to have been monogamous. And she is faithful and close to him in all their adventures, including those we find morally abhorant. Her great curse, of course, was her infertility, the greatest deprivation an ancient woman could face. God had promised that they would be father and mother of many nations but she bore no children. Out of desperation, she gave Abraham her slave Hagar (clearly there were no other wives) who bore him Ismael. This act on their part showed a lack of faith in God's promise; but it did not frustrate His promise, which was slow but steady in coming. Hagar then has contempt for her mistress because of her barrenness and Sara responds in deep envy by getting Abraham's permission to mistreat the slave then who runs away. Here again we see the candor and honesty:  again she is far from praiseworthy but is significant, despite her moral failings, because she is God's chosen and He loves her.  She is also here a counter-example of insecurity, jealousy and resentment. Abraham, unable to resolve the conflict, reluctantly sends Hagar and his son Ishmael away. God, as usual, comes to the rescue and assures him that the two will be protected and also become mother and father of many nations (today's Muslim Arabs!) Later, Paul in Romans, will see her as an example in that God worked through her and her husband not through their own effort, exertion, will or goodness, but in their very poverty, weakness and barrenness through His great mercy. It is ironic however, that this icon of faith, like her husband, weakened and acted out of disbelief and distrust. She did this on another occasion at Mamre where the three mysterious strangers promised that she would be pregnant within a year and she laughed in contempt. Again, a failure in faith and yet God's plans were not frustrated by her unbelief! And so, she is emblematic for the poor in spirit, those who are unfruitful and even weak in faith and morals and who are nevertheless visited by Mercy from on high. This noble Beauty is far from perfect: indeed, she is deceitful, almost adulterous, jealous, resentful, weak in faith. Yet, she is fiercely and intimately loyal to her companion Abraham in the covenant, mission, a communion they share with God. The Bible says she lived to be 127 years old (a sign of greatness and goodness) and she was honorably buried by Abraham who was later buried with her...together even beyond death. Rabbinic legend has two versions of her death, both iconic of maternity and connected to the story of Abraham's (aborted) sacrifice of son Issac. According to the first, she died of sorrow at (mistaken) news of her son's death; in the second she dies of Joy upon learning that Issac was still alive. Surely, both versions point us to the sorrow of Mary(the Pieta) and her Joy at the Resurrection! Later in our Scripture, in the first letter of Peter, Sara is used an an example for women to adorn themselves, not with outward ornaments, but with inner qualities of quiet, gentleness, graciousness, generosity, and strength. This is not the contemporary ideal of an "empowered woman" where power is a mimesis of crude machismo strength as "force against force." Rather, this is a premonition of the influence, the inspiration, the encouragement and ennobling femininity we find quintessentially in Mary our Lady and Mother!