Jesus is Pro-Family...NOT!

"Brother will hand brother over to death and father the child; and the children shall rise up against their parents and cause them to be put to death." Mark 10:21

Ouch! This is a bad saying of Jesus! One of his worst! What are we to make of it?

He has already instructed us to be willing to leave mother and father, son and daughter to follow him. In the background is, always, Abraham's sacrifice of his son Issac. Issac was the joy of his life, all he hoped for, everything he treasured and valued. He would have died a million painful deaths for Issac. What does God ask for?  Issac! The Word of God is clear: we are to sacrifice, if required, EVERYTHING, yes everything, even child and family and spouse, for God.This is a hard word!

Jesus himself reinforces this. When found in the temple as a youth he corrects Mary: "Do you not know I must be about my father's house (business). In other words: "I am not yours; I belong to my Father and the mission he has for me. You must release me to this. Do not cling to me." Then he again renounces these familial bonds when he says" "Who are my brother and sister and mother? He whoever does the will of my heavenly Father is my mother and brother and sister." (Matt 12: 48)

Jesus is crystal clear and emphatic with his anti-family exhortation.

The saints reflect this. St. Marie of the Incarnation left her 11-year old son in the care of her family to pursue a religious calling. How obnoxious is this to any wholesome modern mother?

What are we to make of this? How is this "good news?"

A first thought: Jesus is, as always, a realist! This is real. In family, like in friendship, inevitable and irrepressible are: hurt, disappointment, resentment, tension, anger, betrayal. Hopefully not to the point of death! But deep sadness, abandonment, separation and conflict come unbidden and unavoidable. Jesus is preparing us for the hurt. He instructs us to "love the enemy" but my worst enemy is always the one closest: spouse, mother or father, son or daughter, sister or brother. He is warning us: "Be prepared: the one you love most will be close enough to wound you, even mortally." Sad; but real!

Secondly, Jesus is alerting us that our final and absolute Joy is found only in him. Not even in our children, our spouse, our family. Idolatry of the family is a temptation for wholesome, middle class, bourgeois people. We love our kids SO much! And our grandchildren SO SO SO much! But they are not God. They are finite, fragile, mortal, imperfect. They are not here to make us happy or complete us. They have their own journey...perilous, painful, puzzling...to travel and we cannot cling to them; we cannot expect satisfaction from them; we must surrender them to their own struggles, their own agony, their own destiny in God.

Modern life is troubled: with the breakdown of the extended family and supportive local community and intermediate institutions there is much too much stress on and expectation from the nuclear family: Mom and Dad and two kids and a dog. We look to our spouse and kids for meaning, support, and human warmth. The expectation is too great. We need to lighten the burden, especially on the spouse by...nourishing a network of friendships with same-sex friends, strengthening the bonds of our extended family, building community locally and in Church and in intermediate institutions. In this way there is less stress on spouse and kids. Jesus "anti-family" words are not as harsh if contextualized by a broader, deeper community. St. Marie of the Incarnation left her son with a solid family; and later she was close to him in his vocation of monk and abbot.

The "good news" is that as we grow in love for God we are cleansed and strengthened all our loves. We are purged of the hidden, unrecognized selfish desires that we bring to spouse and children and we are able to love them generously, for themselves, surrendering them to their destiny and supporting them, if only in prayer, in their journey and mission. We ourselves receive an interior serenity by which we leave them free and yet affirm the good as they see it and quietly, gently witness so as to attract them away from evil. In loving God above all, the other loves (spousal, romantic, fraternal, filial, parental) all fall into place: each is just right, not too big and not too small. We are not overly attached, dependent, entangled; as we are not overly distant, angry or hurt.

Yes, Jesus has us renounce father and mother and brother and son...in so far as there is inordinate attachment and temptation to idolatry...but he gives us back to them in a different manner...more free, pure, wholesome, generous and wholesome. He really is Pro-Family after all!