1. In Maryknoll College Seminary (1965-69), sequestered safely from sex-drugs-rock-and-roll, we had admirable Maryknollers as our professors but I was not close to any. In one memorable "evaluation" I was told candidly that I "was a nothing"...not a leader, nor a trouble maker, nor an athlete. I received it calmly, even humorously as these things were commonly quite negative. But I was befriended by Pat Williams, lay and married librarian, voracious reader, creative thinker, ex-Marine, ex-prize-fighter, a confident, very virile and fascinating character. He saw something in me. We spent hours talking: he did the talking, I (happily) the listening. He wakened my intellectual curiosity an enhanced my self-esteem.
2. In my junior year, under a fine philosophy professor (Fr. McGinn MM) I studied both medieval and 19th century philosophy. The former led me to read Gilson, Pieper and Maritain and I became enamoured of classical Catholic philosophy. The later was, according to Fr. McGinn, the father of our contemporary world: he declared 20th century philosophy as a series of footnotes on the geniuses of the prior era: Marx, Hegel, Nietczhe, etc. I accepted this. And my visceral hatred of these (the nihilism of Nietczhe, the mega-system of Hegel, the materialism of Marx) was as intense as my infatuation with the tradition of Thomas. Intellectually I was set on my path: fiercely Catholic, militantly anti-modern.
3. This trajectory was strengthened in the summer of 1968 (exactly as the Cultural Revolution exploded) when I studied conversational Spanish in CIDOC, the think tank of Monsignor Illich in Cuernavaca, Mexico. This strange genius fascinated me because he was a genuine, if eccentric Catholic mystic even as he was ferociously counter-cultural, iconoclastic and militantly oppositional to modernity as technology and bureaucracy. He was far more radical than the Catholic Left or the Sexual Revolution even as he was brutally negative about institutional Catholicism. His radicalism flowed from a barely articulated medieval sensibility and profound prayer life. These appealed to me as did his critique of the Church and world we shared. I could not follow him all the way into his anti-clericalism or a kind of romantic utopianism that was finally unrealistic. But he did leave me with a salutary, ambivalent suspicion of institutions even as I went on to spend much of my life loyal to such.
4. Even as I was courting my bride-to-be, 1970, I had the privilege to study Catholic prayer and mysticism with Joseph Whelan S.J. at Woodstock Jesuit Theologate just then relocating to Manhatten. Probably because I was at that moment rather madly in love myself, I sensed in him an extraordinary, mystical, enchanting love. He was a real mystic. My best teacher ever. I learned that to love Christ is to love the Church. I learned about Baron von Hugel, his expertise, the layman, genius, mystic, modernist (but never disciplined by the Church). He introduced me to Balthasar and his pivotal essay "Theology and Sanctity" which located that discipline within prayer. I came to know a new, mystical depth to my Catholicism.
5. Just a few years later my wife and I made Cursillo, in which we encountered the Divine Person of Jesus as our personal savior and then Charismatic renewal, in which we experienced concretely the action of the Holy Spirit as well as a new, vigorous, exciting kind of Evangelical Catholicism. This was a major influence on my life. It intensified my inherited Catholic faith. It set me in opposition to the liberal direction of society and within the Church. It conformed me, in the face of abortion and the surge of Cultural Liberalism, into a militant Cultural Warrior. It strengthened my identity as a Catholic and it lightened me about career success. Ralph Martin, arguably the preeminent leader of the movement, exercised a strong influence on me and continued to do so as he moved in a more Catholic direction, following John Paul II and studing the Catholic classics in spirituality. I see him as a strong, prophetic figure like Illich, even as I do not follow him in all ways, particularly his harsh renunciation of Balthasar and his "dare we hope" stance.
6. With the papacy of John Paul II I found my primary mentor. His entire corpus (christology, political theology, ecumenism) but especially his catechesis on gender and sexuality became the light guiding my path. I came to know the Communio journal and its school of thought: Ratzinger, Balthasar, the Schindlers and the American branch. This body of thought became for me a bottomless, expansive, thrilling horizon of meaning and truth. As I continued a career in UPS and raised my family, my favorite moments were when I would slip into the library at St. Peter's College and read the current Communio.
7. Moving our of middle age crisis and into later middle age (approaching the turn of the milennium), I discovered two complementary spiritual communities that very significantly (but not absolutely) relieved me of persistent patterns of compulsivity and lack of freedom. The 12-steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and the Neocatechumenal Way of Kiko Arguello. Both movements firmly asserted our powerlessness and the need for "higher power" or Christ. Both came to me at a perfect time. Both offered a refreshing transparency, a strong network of support and accountability, and immense hope for increasing interior freedom and joy. I participated for a time, occasionally, but did not become fully involved in either. Nevertheless, I greatly benefited from both and count Bill W. and Kiko as very precious mentors.
8. A little later, circa 2010, transitioning into later life, we had the good fortune to participate, as a couple, in Sister Joan Noreen's Our Lady's Missionaries of the Eucharist. This was especially beneficial as it enriched our marriage, as had Charismatic Renewal, but not so much other influences on me specifically. Sister Joan, just recently deceased, was a spiritual woman with a gift for inspired teaching. She synthesized the heart of Catholicism (Eucharist, Mary, the daily prayer of the Church, simplicity of life) and presented a clear pattern of life. It was...is...perfect for us as it highlights what is most important to our faith and embodies it in a simple pattern. This has been a great blessing: a pattern for our later years.
All of the above, built upon the foundation of faith I received in the post-war period from a typical ethnic, Catholic, working class (father a union organizer), liberal (of that period) family of nine that was blessed with a deep Catholic piety and an unusually happy marriage. I remain in many ways a standard, ordinary Catholic of the 1950s mode. But the trajectory of my adult life has been towards a deeper Catholicism...oppositional to the liberal hegemomy, counter-cultural, subversive and quasi-bohemian.
Other influences on me are the following.
- Avery Dulles taught me theology at Woodstock and impressed me with his perfectly balanced, nuanced, orthodox-but-open-to-renewal approach. He served as a balance to the more radical influences.
-E. Michael Jones, the cranky and eccentric conservative and brilliant cultural historian taught me how historic existence is forever combat among competitive ethnic-cultural-religious tribes.
- Gil Baile, protege and populizer of Rene Girard, introduced me to his brilliant theory of mimesis and sacrifical violence.
- Dorothy Day and Mother Theresa (both of whom I met personally) surely inspired me in my work with Magnificat Home although I am no anarchist-pacifist and nowhere near the sacrifical depth of Mother.
- The Friars of the Renewal and particularly Father Benedict Groeschel have been a delight and encouragement to me and my family over the years.
- The journal First Things has been for many years a stimulation and encouragement, even as I am not quite the neo-conservative that Fr. Neuhaus was nor the pro-Trumpian that Reno is.
- In recent years, through our daughter Margaret Rose, the Communion and Liberation Community and the legacy of Monsignor Guiasani has been a delight, an encouragement and a companion. They bring an Italian neo-Renaissance positivity, confidence and richness that balances my sometimes strident, evangelical "culture war" pugnacity.
- John Rapinich, my best friend, my little-big-brother, was a bohemian Catholic. A friend of Kerouac and the Beats, a brother to us through the charismatic renewal, later a zealous NeoCat. John was a bibliophile, an artist, a sensitive spirit, a fierce Catholic. He was a delight and an inspiration.
I can say, as much as anyone else, that I "stand on the shoulders of giants." This year I am 75 years old. My mentors are mostly deceased. I am not lonely, for I live in the aura of all these great ones. My defining earthly hope, of course, is that the legacy I received may also be accepted by my chldren/grandchildren, and passed on, even as they move on to other riches unknown to me. I feel like Chingachook looking into the horizon and praying:
GREAT SPIRIT AND MAKER OF ALL LIFE, A WARRIOR GOES TO YOU SWIFT AND STRAIGHT AS AN ARROW SHOT AT THE SUN. WELCOME HIM, AND LET HIM TAKE HIS PLACE AT THE COUNCIL FIRE OF MY PEOPLE. HE IS UNCAS MY SON. BID THEM PATIENCE AND ASK DEATH FOR SPEED, FOR THEY ARE ALL THERE BUT ONE. I CHINGACHOOK, LAST OF THE MOHICANS.
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