Endlessly I have pondered the masculine itinerary from mother's womb to our heavenly Father. In short:
1. Detachment from mother, in the mode of a gratitude, affection, tenderness and reverence that is then available for all relationships with women.
2. Attachment to father (or surrogate) and interiorization of all his masculine strength and goodness.
3. Engagement with other boys in friendship and solidarity.
4. Journey of conflict, competition and warfare in which one achieves and receives incorporation into the brotherhood of worthy men.
5. Surrender to romance and spousal union with all the drama, sacrifice, and learning involved.
6. Devotion to a mission or state of service in society and eventually attainment of expertise.
7. Detachment in the desert from all relationships and dependencies to confront one's demons, enter into the uniquely masculine solitude and intimacy with God.
8. Relaxation into the wisdom, joy, gratitude and hope of the last stage of life.
What I see is that the woman's journey is similar and yet strikingly distinct. What follows is the observation of four generations of women 1947-2023, from my own parents to my granddaughters. The specific context: working-middle-class, very Catholic, northeastern, urban America. It does not pretend to be anthropologically universal but does try to unveil archetypal femininity in its dramatic structure.
1. From Infancy the baby girl elicits from father and mother contrasting relationships which are also strikingly different from those evoked by the boy. The mother is deeply intimate with both girl and boy but more profoundly, enduringly with the girl whom she recognizes as a mirror of herself, a "best friend for life." The boy, by contrast, is not-her, not-woman, male, different. He is already on a trajectory to detach from her, however slowly and lovingly. "A son is son until he finds a wife; a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life."
Even more pronounced are the two contrasting fatherly responses to boy and girl. In both cases, the big man is uncomfortable, even repulsed by the fragility, tininess, and delicacy of the newborn. In his clumsiness he might break it! He is hardly attracted to it; hardly impelled to hold and caress. He feels a great distance from the new creature. This response is the polar opposite of that of the serotonin-inflamed mother. But the boy he sees, intuitively, as his new little buddy: before long he will be wrestling, peeing at the urinal at his side, tossing the ball, arguing politics. Immediately, he senses a lifetime of fraternal closeness, although it will be a long, slow process.
But the baby girl is different: female, not-male, different, distant and mysterious. This sense of the feminine further intensifies the feeling of distance. Subconsciously he brings to this tiny female creature the profound, dense feelings he carries for the feminine: fascination, fear, attraction, puzzlement, awkwardness, shame, confusion, affection, tenderness and reverence. Since the daughter is both feminine and extremely petite-fragile-precious, his urge to protect and provide for her are boundless, even more than the father has for the son who is equally small but destined to become himself a father, provider, protector, warrior.
To summarize: at birth the girl enjoys an incomparable intimacy with mother but is viewed from afar by father with wonder, reverence, fear, and an immensity of protective tenderness.
2. Bond with Mother is indissoluble, permanent and with time becomes only more complex, rich and profound. This permanency in relationship becomes the template underlying all other relationships: family, friendship, romantic. The genius of the woman is for relationship. Her hormones move thus. Her bond with Mom moves thus. Her body moves her thus. Her spirit...open, receptive, trusting, responsive, generous...moves her thus. Spontaneously, organically, fluidly, effortlessly...the girl is a masterpiece in relationship: empathetic, emotionally intelligent, welcoming, attentive to the person, and instinctively donative of herself. She interiorizes her mother's reverence and tenderness for father and develops an interiority of trust and appreciation for the masculine. Her permanency and stability in relationship contrasts sharply with the male psyche which must painfully detach from mother, come into male loneliness, fight to prove himself, and construct the male identity as more discrete, autonomous, distant, and independent. (Example: our first daughter, named Mary Elizabeth in memory of the affectionate encounter between the biblical cousins, was already, at the age of 2, so astute in relating with all kinds of people that she was nicknamed "Little Community." She has retained and deepened that charism.)
3. Closeness with Father emerges slowly but never overcomes the distance, the awe and wonder with which the male and female hold each other. As mentioned, the developing girl interiorizes her mother's reverence and affection for father. She herself feels the security and safety of his protection: he is big, confident and stronger than any possible threat. Thus protected, with her mother and siblings, she maintains an interior serenity. As she experiences father's delight in and awe for her femininity she comes to subconsciously appreciate herself in her womanliness. So even the very small girl already enjoys dressing up and receiving complements. She already knows her own beauty and goodness. She breathes this awareness in, especially from Dad, like she inhales oxygen.
As she gets older and ventures beyond maternal enclosure into the world, she looks to her father as representative of that world. When he acknowledges her ability...schoolwork, sports, energy, initiative, generosity, virtue...she knows confidently that she is a valued, competent, important player in that big game in that big world.
For the growing girl, the relationship with Mom is far more intense, intimate, and significant than that with Dad. For example, the idea of placing a young girl in the care to two "married" men in a homosexual relationship is viciously cruel, nauseatingly insensitive and breathtakingly ignorant. Nevertheless, the father as masculine and a stranger from the outside world is positioned to give something the mother cannot: male approval for her femininity and self-confidence in dealing with the broader world. She is thereby a worthy partner for her spouse and a competent participant in the broader social order.
4. Maturation of the young woman, in psychological-emotional integrity, occurs (under favorable conditions of safety and love) with an efficacy and rapidity that is simply miraculous. Roughly concurrent with physical puberty, the psychic maturity also reaches a peak. The average 14-year-old female is prepared emotionally and intellectually to bear children and raise a family. Of course, in our culture, she is not yet socially prepared as higher levels of education are considered essential. But her integrity, maturity, and generosity at this stage contrast sharply with the male who remains a random, disjointed collection of mismatched parts and energies until a decade or more later, at best. The female psyche is harmonious, integrated and synthetic, of its very nature, spontaneously and organically. By contrast, the male psyche is compartmentalized, disjointed, and disharmonious. It is entirely understandable that women mate with older males as those in the same age bracket trail them so much in maturity.
4. Intimacy capacity of the young woman, by the end of adolescence, is at a high level because of her sublime integrity and fluency in relationships. But she is forced to wait, until her late 20s on average today, for conjugal consummation in marriage. A major cause of this is the retardation...emotional, moral, spiritual...of the young male. (Topic of other essays.) Masculinity is in a major crisis in our society because of the breakdown of the rituals which prepare young men for mature virility. Femininity thrives, organically, even as vicious misogyny attacks women in so many ways. The young woman, unable to entirely trust men, must prepare herself for the single life or divorce by training in some career. This requires a long period of education so that the marriage bond is postponed until later in the 20s, if then. Ideally, however, the young woman maintains a strong network of bonds with family and (mostly female) friends so that her emotional needs are fully satisfied. In this way, her eventual surrender to courtship and marriage comes not from emotional need or desperation for a man, but from an overflow of life-giving maturity and generosity.
5. Career advancement, we see in recent decades, comes easily, fluidly, painlessly for young women in contrast to men. My observation is that they decide on a career path early and confidently. More often men are drifting, through their 20s, without a clear professional path. Women are less anxious about it as their own identity is less tied to success and more rooted in family, relationships and an integrated set of values and pursuits. In higher education and increasingly in key professions (medicine, psychology, law) they are outperforming the males. This presents a dilemma: an increasing number of women have to "marry down" to less educated males as education itself is a key marker of class/culture.
Another asymmetry between the sexes is the challenge for women to integrate career and family. The tasks inherent to motherhood, obviously pregnancy- nursing-child care, detract from the energy and attention available for a career. The male has an unavoidable advantage in the career track. The peak years for womanly procreation, lets say age 18-36, are also the most significant years in one's professional life. So the female faces tradeoffs: family or career? It has been said: "A woman can have everything, family and career; but not all at the same time." Even as she is dealing with men who are increasingly dysfunctional, she herself has to balance conflicting demands. This is a challenge even for her enhanced integrity and competence. In my own world women are doing GREAT!
6. Marriage and Family have become in recent decades increasingly challenging for both men and women. Assigned gender roles have vanished. Financial expectations are very high and demanding. Men are unhinged and insecure in their masculine identity. But it is also an exhilarating time to be young and in love: so many opportunities present themselves. The young couple are raising children, navigating two careers, renegotiating gender roles in creative and personal ways, and joining together in mission and adventure.
In this time of change and fluidity, the female is the stronger partner. Her psyche is resilient, flexible, less fragile, more patient and interiorly serene. A shift has occurred: in many ways the woman has become the protagonist in society and history. The fortunate young man will find himself blessed by an itinerary into mature virility, with worthy brothers and wise mentors, and avail himself of the flow of blessings that flow to him, the family and community from a good woman. Think Mary with Joseph in Nazareth and with John and the early Church.
7. Spiritual Maternity spans the last years of life after menopause. Far more than loss of fertility, this marker corresponds roughly with the "empty nest" transition and a drastic shift in identity. The masculine transition is similar but more graduated, as was the entry into adulthood. He retains the biological capacity for paternity. Additionally, in our society, men in late middle age often enjoy enhanced social status and romantic appeal to the degree that they are affluent, successful, confident and in good health. As with all things feminine, the biological change comes with accompanying shifts in emotion, attitude, intellect and spirit. Even the most fit, groomed and glamorous woman loses the indescribable charm inherent to women of child-bearing age. This is mysterious. The woman loses social status even as her husband may be gaining it. The compulsion to retain youthful vigor and appeal grasps both sexes but it eludes woman more. It is easier for the man to deceive himself about his declining attractiveness. For both man and woman, reality is demanding a shift from biological to spiritual fecundity. Not all are able to happily make this shift.
For both sexes, this represents enhanced awareness of interior qualities of the heart, mind and soul. For the woman the immediate loss of physical charm can be accompanied by deepening of interior loveliness: compassion, wisdom, serenity, joy, hope and generosity. The "genius of femininity" that emerged so organically along with physical maturation now becomes stronger, clearer, purer. Relieved of the functional tasks of childrearing, career and homemaking, the woman enters more deeply into the spiritual/emotional dramas of her family and community. Her prayer life becomes the essential thing, like the attentiveness of Mary, sister of Martha and Lazarus. She recedes more into the background but becomes a humble, almost anonymous radiance of serenity and stability.
The Distinctive Feminine Identity, Charism, Mission, Journey
The core identity of woman is not functional, provision of products and services; it is not found in glamor or conspicuous consumption. It is the radiance of Beauty, Goodness and Truth. It is an interiority of harmony and integrity that diffuses itself to others, bestowing peace, hope and joy. The man is always representative of something beyond himself: the Fatherhood of God, the family, tradition, the moral order. The woman is only herself, representative of nothing, but herself distinctively a source of life and love.
The womanly identity and journey contrasts with the manly: less loneliness, competition, fragmentation, aggression; more integrity, synthesis, bonding in empathy and tenderness. The male is destined to represent Something greater than himself. He is at his best when his disparate, dispersed, explosive, fragile psyche is in the service of a Greater Good, a Higher Power. He is at his best in uniform: of a priest, soldier, fireman, security officer, doctor or suit-and-tie-lawyer. The masculine itinerary is structured from within by detachment, solitude, competition and warfare. The feminine is an ever-deepening in attachment, compassion, loyalty and donation-of-self. As bride-and-groom, as father-and-mother, the two complement each other; even as there abides a profound asymmetry by which they torture and crucify each other. As "representative" the masculine finds purpose; but in itself the "feminine" is far superior as the radiance of love, peace, joy, and hope.
Here again, we might ponder the presence of our Blessed Mother Mary. In the birth and childhood of Jesus, she is primary. Joseph is secondary, supportive, quiet, humble. After the death and resurrection of Jesus she is only mentioned at Pentecost. She is invisible in all the epistles. We know she was with St. John. Like women throughout history, she is no part of the historic record. But to the Catholic mind she was and is, always, the heart of the Church. She...hidden, humble, prayerful, gentle, compassionate...is more important than the myriads of apostles, priests, martyrs, and missionaries. And so it is with our mature women. They are largely unnoticed. They carry us with their love and their prayers.
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