"The golden rule is to help those we love to escape from ourselves, and never to help or influence them, till they ask, but to wait for them." Baron von Hugel, in a letter to his niece, quoted in Whelan, The Spirituality of Baron Friedrich von Hugel, p. 292.
They have escaped my control and influence; they are elsewhere; with their own families, careers, and lifestyles; distinct in so many ways; in no way photocopies or clones of me.
These words above of Baron von Hugel enlighten me how marvelous this is. Each of our two sons and five daughters is free; pursuing a distinctive identity and destiny; endowed with unique gifts and charisms; facing particular difficulties; engaged in rich networks of family, friends and associations; called to a singular mission within the Church and the world.
Yes, there has been the inevitable tension, dissonance, disagreement.
Mostly, I delight in the serendipitous difference, surprise, variety, spontaneity, fecundity.
For years my wife has been telling me "You are strong." She meant this not so much in a positive way, but that I can overcome others. My sister once told me "You are an intellectual bully." Another sister has me as the most stubborn man she ever knew. I am indeed firm, clear, passionate in my convictions. And yes, however unintentionally, I can overcome, bully others. Just recently, referring to a tension between one daughter and myself, another daughter (strongly sympathetic to her sister) said "You are a strong man and you have a strong daughter." It thrills me that each is thus strong, in very specific, distinct manners.
And so I rejoice that each child of mine has, in subtle and complex ways, escaped my control, resisted my influence in certain things, and exercised their own sovereign freedom in dignity in search of their distinctive identity, mission and destiny.
The singular joy my wife and I entertain is that each of our children, and their families, share our Catholic faith...and that with depth, clarity and intensity. And difference.
Several postures structure my own faith life but have not been replicated, at least not in the same manner and degree, by my sons and daughters.
First, the Charismatic Renewal within Catholicism immensely impacted my faith, in 1973, and that of our marriage. We received the baptism of the Holy Spirit, spoke in tongues, enjoyed other gifts, and participated for some years, eagerly, in prayer meetings. But we did not continue participation in such community and so our children did not receive that from us. They are, to be sure, evangelical in their intimacy with Jesus Christ and open to the movements of the Holy Spirit in ways both similar and distinct from us. This has not been a disappointment or a regret for me as they are firm and fervent in their Catholic faith. But it is a significant difference.
Secondly, as a boomer moving through early adulthood in the 1970s I reacted against the trajectory of my generation and became a fervent Culture Warrior. This in large part defined my intellectual life for the remainder of my adult life. My children and their families are on my side of this divide, but not with my focus and intensity. One son is more countercultural than myself but he is deeply involved in a renewal movement and largely detached from the public contest.
Lastly, I am anti-bourgeois and eager to be with the poor. My children share this sensibility but for the most part live a more mainstream lifestyle than the one my wife and I negotiated.
Their mother was, as is normal, the more immediate, strong influence on them. While raising the seven, she was an unusually supportive partner in freeing me to pursue in some degree my passions while, of course, being the wage earner. I was busy, out-and-about, but always delighted to return to a home that was happy and orderly in a relaxed fashion. Fortunately , we shared core faith values, deeply, but contrasted sharply in so many ways: she artistic, concrete, sensitive to beauty as a cook, gardener, real homemaker; myself intellectual, abstract, more austere less aesthetic, hungering for insight and truth. So that our children enjoyed a broad horizon of taste and style in which to develop their own distinctive personalities. She is shares ordinary middle class sensibilities but has been generous in deferring to my more counter-cultural tendencies.
The mystic-philosopher Baron von Hugel was himself under the spiritual direction of the great French Abbe Huvelin, who also directed St. Charles de Focauld and other important people. They adored him. Hugel said "Behind every saint is another saint." Huvelin stood behind quite a few. It is hard to imagine such contrast as that between Hugel and Focauld, although they both came from wealth. But the quote above, about "escape" seems to me to be the key to great spiritual direction. A powerful figure like the Abbe could easily diminish those in his shadow. This is a danger for the strong father or mother as well.
And so I rejoice that our children have, more quietly than dramatically, declined, refused aspects of my faith, even those I so treasure, to find their own paths. They have escaped my control, into the providential, liberating, impowering hands of One with whom they now partner so vigorously!
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