Do-Gooder in Recovery

"There is nothing I hate more than a do-gooder."  My much-loved Uncle Billy Gallagher.

Uncle Billy was a magnificent human being...and quite a character. Wounded and decorated veteran of WWII, he was highly intelligent, achingly funny, wildly eccentric. He worked for military intelligence for his adult life but never told a single family member. He lived the classic double life that is so congenial to the masculine psyche. Actually, he lived many lives: businessman, fisherman, avid reader, good brother/son/husband/father/uncle. Best of all, although he experienced the dark side of humanity, he retained a childlike Catholic faith until his death.

When he told me how he hated do-gooders, I laughed and pointed out that some would consider me a do-gooder. He dismissed that. I was not troubled by the remark: first, I was secure in his affection for me; second I think I know what he meant; third, I was well into recovery from my do-gooder condition.

In my early adulthood (age 18-26) I was a do-gooder-wanna-be, a failed social justice activist, a bleeding-heart-liberal. My conscience carried a heavy load: a pressing sense of obligation to the suffering and poor. As a devout, observant Catholic, I was neither Evangelical nor Pentecostal: I lacked intimacy with Jesus and the Holy Spirit. My duty-burdened spirit was, unknowingly, moralistic and activist...and quietly in a steady, low grade state of guilt and discouragement. Happily, I was delivered from this.

What is a Do-Gooder?

Real, genuine goodness is of its nature appealing, charming, delightful, fascinating and inspiring. It comes in two dimensions, natural and supernatural. Some people are naturally generous, affectionate, self-effacing; they evoke the same from us (unless we are deeply self-hating and envious). William James called these "first born." And then there is the "twice born"...those who confess their own badness and tap into supernatural goodness, grace from heaven, holiness. 

"Do-gooder" carries a negative connotation: as inauthentic, compromised...by self-righteousness, superiority, condescension, grievance, resentment or similar toxin. It suggests a messiah-complex. Can entail manipulation, intervention, excessive self-assurance. It does not come with self-awareness. It carries with it imprudence and rash judgement so that it can cause great damage even as deliberate intentions seem to be blameless. 

Case Study: Deaths in Minneapolis

The tragic deaths last month of activists Renee Good and Alex Pretti are instructive. What caused these deaths? The immediate cause in both cases was the panic of officers who felt their lives in danger. Their reactions were not entirely irrational as there was a gun and a driving car, both possibly lethal. Their response was almost certainly impulsive, indeliberate...without consideration... and largely involuntary in the moral sphere (whatever the eventual legal finding.) However, human events are always over-determined: caused by multiple factors. 

In this case, the victims contributed to the tragedy by imprudent decisions: they intervened against law enforcement, with lethal weapons of gun and car. Clearly, they saw themselves as rescuing unfortunate immigrants from hostile forces. The presence of a gun and the handling of the car (first obstructing and then fleeing the scene) endangered themselves, the officers and all nearby. They are seen as heroes and martyrs by some (including one bishop). We will leave judgment of their intentions to God. But a sober consideration reveals reckless, rash judgement.

With most Americans, I have strong sympathies for decent, ordinary, hardworking immigrant who are terrorized by the arrests. A law is not a law if it is not enforced. These people are not "illegals" any more than I am an illegal as I regularly drive down the NJ Parkway doing 75 in a 65 as well as a litany of rules and laws I disregard daily. The real "illegal" was the Biden/Harris administration who voided the law. 

On the other hand, I have sympathies for ICE officers: they are doing their job; they are enforcing, not breaking the law (notwithstanding some abuses); and they are implementing a policy of a President who promised it and validly won the election. Respect for democracy and rule of law proscribes the the aggressive interference practiced by Pretti, Good and company.  

They do not have a monopoly on rash judgement. (Sidebar: my view has long been that the most prevalent sin is against the 8th commandment: rash judgement! Yes, even more common than sins against chastity!) The Trump deportation of non-criminals is (in my view) unjust, cruel, polarizing and against our national interests in many ways. It is itself an imprudence, a rash judgement. But the broader "sanctuary movement" on the part of the Left, the refusal to cooperate in the arrest of real criminals, is a significant cause as well. The primal cause, of these two deaths and the entire national crisis, is the open border policy of Biden/Harris, an instance of breathtaking incompetence!

Free At Last!

Freedom, for me, from the inflictions of a do-gooder, came in 1973: along with my wife MaryLynn, I encountered the person of Jesus Christ in the Cursillo movement and then the workings of the Holy Spirit in the Charismatic Renewal. This was a Copernican religious revolution: my spiritual life no longer was defined by the unbearable burden of "doing good." Rather, I pivoted to "receive Good" from my Lord and Savior and in his Holy Spirit. I became a recipient: a very happy one at that! I resigned as a social justice activist. I relaxed in the love of Christ: primacy on reception, contemplation, community...and only then sharing the richness with others in compassion!

Later in adulthood, I discovered the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and was further inoculated against the condition. The self-aware compulsive (aren't we all such in some way?) is not an activist, a reformer, a do-gooder. The addict-in-recovery works his own inventory, sweeps his own sidewalk, mows his own lawn.  There is considerable joy in such smallness!

Evangelization?

I don't like the word! Sorry! But I don't like it. I know: St. Paul, St. Francis Xavier and many did just this. But I am not them.

"Evangelization" as the deliberate effort to convert others, to present the Gospel as to change hearts...as a deliberate campaign or act...is disagreeable to me. The changing of hearts is the work of the Holy Spirit...only! For me to aspire...by my efforts, speech, example, engagement...to change hearts seems presumptuous. 

I do not evangelize...not even the "new evangelization." (Sorry St. John Paul II!)

What I do like: Witness. Yes...witness is simple. A witness simply re-echoes what happened, what is real, true, good, beautiful. Yes, I aspire to echo that which I have seen, heard, felt, received, and know. To witness is to be true to who I am and to what I have encountered. It is not meant to change anyone else. However I am happily aware that it is just such simple, personal witness that the Holy Spirit uses, in his time and his way, to change hearts and minds.

Out to the Margins? I Don't Think So!

At his recent installation as Archbishop of NY, Ronald Hicks, echoed the favorite theme of Pope Francis: enough of the country club Church, we are moving out to evangelize the margins.

My approach is the opposite. Rather than go out to the margins, I aspire to draw into the heart of the Church and invite those on the margins into the warmth, safety, dignity and sanctity of the Church. 

For example, our residence for low income, especially special needs women. is in a convent. For decades holy women lived and prayed there. It is a holy place. We are not institutionally part of the Church; but the place is saturated with our faith. It is a home: a place of safety, peace, dignity, belonging...and Yes, the presence, however quiet, of God. We have 15 women; some are Catholic, some are not; some go to mass, some do not; some are comfortable with spontaneous, personal prayer, some not so much. But...when they come to live here, they are implicitly moving into the "house of God." 

We go into the Ocean County Jail every Friday morning and do a Catholic communion service. We share  the mass readings and receive communion. We comply entirely with jail rubrics. In doing so, we are not so much "going to the margins" as much as welcoming to the Eucharist brothers who have wandered out into those margins like the lost lamb.

Still a Do-Gooder in Recovery

So I remain a do-gooder-in-recovery. As I aspire to do good, I am well aware of mixed motives. No, my motivation is not pure. For example, there is part of me that craves feminine approval; and so, it pleases me to serve women. How much of my motivation is selfish, and how much generous? I cannot do the math. I leave that to God. It is good to do good. God loves me in my poverty; especially in my poverty and need. So I relax in this Love...love for me and those around me!

Getting Old, Growing Small

I am going on 80 years old; I used to be 6'3" but now am barely 6'. I am growing small.

I am happy about this. My aspiration is to become childlike in faith, increasingly innocent, into the "little way" of St. Therese. First: to receive God's grace, to listen to his word, to contemplate Him. Then, to be an agent of his mercy; to be servant of the little ones; to be receptive of and radiant of his holiness.