What's Wrong With Same-Sex Romance?

Two young women love each other...tenderly and respectfully...in a romantic/sexual relationship. Why would there be something wrong with that? The answer depends upon the meaning, purpose and truth of romance and sexuality.

Let us consider contrasting viewpoints: that of the Catholic faith and that of the prevailing cultural liberalism or "expressive, romantic individualism." For the first view the lesbian relationship is dangerous and destructive; for the second something wholesome and beautiful. Both views see sexuality as expressive of intimacy within an exclusive relationship. But they differ greatly regarding: permanence, fruitfulness, gender distinction, sacramentality, sacrifice vs. fulfillment, and the gravity and sanctity of it all.

Liberalism sees sex as expressive of a unique, intimate and exclusive relationship. Fidelity is valued greatly; polygamy, promiscuity and infidelity are condemned. Permanence is an ideal and an aspiration but realism requires the acceptance of divorce, breaking-up and moving on to another relationship. Serial polygamy is normal and accepted if not ideal. By contrast, for a Catholic the spousal covenant, expressed formally/publicly and consummated by intercourse, creates a permanent spiritual bond. "What God has bound together, let no man break asunder" is the way Jesus put it. Interestingly, he asserted this radical stance against the permissive Pharisees who allowed divorce.  Today, those who adhere to this stricter view are maligned as "pharisaical" when it was actually the Pharisees who resisted Jesus' hard word. For the Catholic, the conjugal bond is essentially, constitutionally, efficaciously and unbreakably final and permanent.

For the liberal sex is essentially sterile although fertility is an option when desired. Every other culture in human history understood sexuality to be fruitful but the catastrophic contraceptive revolution of the 60s turned this view on its head. In this view, sex is basically sterile, contra-ceptive, and merely expressive of affection.By contrast, the Catholic view is that sexuality is essentially, in its very nature, oriented to new life.  This is not to say that every single act leads to new life, but that every such act is oriented in purpose in that direction. Couples may rightly make love during infertile times but may not intervene actively to prevent conception lest they destroy the meaning of the engagement.

Regarding gender: for the liberal feminist, man and woman are equal, identical, and interchangeable in regard to rights and responsibilities.  Career, childcare and home management are matters for negotiation with each holding identical hands in what can become a competition of wills. For the Catholic, there is a dense, mysterious, creative and utterly unique complementarity and asymetry between bride and groom: the woman is mysteriously endowed with gifts, sufferings and graces that are endlessly fascinating and appealing to the man. And viceversa! And so, the couple do a privileged, confidential dance as they learn from and about each other, free of stereotypes but also of a flat homogeneity.

For the sacramental Catholic conscience, the marriage event marks a firm, inviolate boundary: one is either married or not. There is no gray area, no spectrum, no ambiguity. Prior to this sacred and public proclamation, sexual intercourse is proscribed; afterwards, it is joyous, hopeful, and sacred. No such clarity and objectivity apply to the liberal view of romance and sex: as long as there are some (however vague, emotional or sentimental) "feelings" between the two, as long as it is "consensual" (a loaded term if there ever was one!) and no obvious harm is done, the couple can happily jump into bed as in every romantic comedy. As a sacrament, marriage is an encounter, an event, a vow between the spouses; but it includes a third Person, God's very self, who also promises to be with the lovers forever, sealing and blessing their union.

Next we have contrast between sacrifice and fulfillment. Arguably the most pervasive, pernicious and catastrophic falsehood in our society is the "Romantic Myth" which teaches that everlasting happiness will be found in the arms of Mr. or Miss "Right." This is the theme running through endless movies, articles, dramas and narratives. Real love, to the cruciform Catholic mind, this side of heaven brings frustration, sacrifice, disappointment and suffering. We know that we crucify those we love...those closest to us...especially the spouse. So spousal love essentially means the willingness to apologize for wrongs done, to forgive for wrongs received, to patiently (with God's grace) bear betrayal, disappointment and even heartbreak.

Lastly, the two views differ on the gravity or sanctity of romantic/sexual love. The liberal, especially the feminine mind, despises infidelity. Other than that, however, a lighthearted approach applies: casual encounters, involving neither infidelity nor coercion, are accepted since sex is often seen as a "need" that is better satisfied than repressed. And so we see that the blatant, really obscene dalliances of Clinton and Trump are dismissed by their backers as relatively trivial and marginal. For the Church, on the other hand, sexuality is inexpressibly precious and sacred and therefore surrounded by reverence, awe, modesty. It is, first of all, the plan God designed to create every eternal soul. Secondly, the merging of bodies is not an accidental, extrinsic thing, but actually a union of intellect, heart and soul. In the sexual encounter, the souls themselves merge. Within marriage this is a splendid, holy event, with God participating and blessing it, in all its physical and emotional exhilaration. Outside of marriage, in whatever form, it is sad, futile and mutually destructive. This guidance applies to everyone, married and single, gay and straight, young and old: if sexuality is (as the Church has taught since the time of Jesus) inherently exclusive, permanent, fruitful, sacrificial and sacramental than misuse is a sad, dangerous tragedy.

It is like a lively fire in a cold, dry forest at night: properly directed within a strong fireplace it provides warmth, light, cooked food and beauty as family and friends gather to talk, eat, sing and pray; uncontrolled it becomes a forest fire that destroys everything in its path.

In summary we might consider the two views as "symbolic" and "diabolic" in the precise etymological sense: "symbolic" means to "join together" while "diabolic" means to "tear apart." The classic, symbolic Catholic understanding is that the erotic encounter brings together, in the flow from and to God, all the splendor of romance, new life, commitment, stability of life, and the interplay of sacrifice and joy. Spousal communion,with all its trials, is already an expression of Heaven-on-Earth! Expressive individualism is diabolical in the exact etymological sense: it tears sexuality and romance away from new life, permanence, and the fascination of the masculine/feminine encounter. One is sterile, the other fruitful; one transitory, the other ensures permanence and stability of life; one promises an illusion of romantic fulfillment, the other a path to Joy through mutual sacrifice, contrition and forgiveness; the one is androgynous and homogenous, the other enthralled by the Mysteries of femininity/masculinity, maternity/paternity, fraternity/sorority; the one prone to emotional confusion fluidity, and ambiguity while the other is sacred, vivid, objective and clear in its sacramentality.

How then, does a Catholic relate to an actively gay or lesbian friend? With anxiety, condescension, condemnation or emotional distance? Certainly Not! With a tender, reverent, warm silence! With sensitivity to the deep desires, for intimacy and love, that are taking an unfortunate path! With prayer and concern about the inevitable loneliness, heartbreak and hopelessness that accompany such misdirected affection! And with the offer of a generous, sober, chaste same-sex friendship which is in large part the solution to the craving that motivates such affection!