Sexual satisfaction and romantic happiness...insanely overrated! Sexual suffering and romantic misery...vastly underrated!
Let's face it: sexual desire is frustrated about 99.9999% of the time! Same for romantic longing! Even in the best case scenario, where "they live happily ever after", there is an endless parade of frustration, hurt, disappointment, annoyance, anger...endless! In the best case scenario, these afflictions are suffered, in God's grace, with some degree of forgiveness/contrition and patience, and slowly give birth to a love that is deeper, stronger, truer and purer than the volatility of sex and romance.
Disclosure: I speak, as always, as a man, and (I presume) for men as I am (as best I can tell) typical, not exceptional. I cannot speak for women who are strange, mysterious, fascinating and inscrutable for me.
Mother Church in her wisdom has taught us mostly what is important to know, but not everything. She has been mute about the agony of it all. We learn: of the sacredness of sexuality, gender, spousality, paternity and maternity; of the beauty of chastity and fidelity; of the grave destructiveness of it outside of very clear boundaries; of our constitutional weakness in this area and drastic need for prayer, support, conversion, sacramental grace, accountability and brutal honesty. But She is strangely silent about the suffering underlying it all! And so: She can sound moralistic and negative.
The credo of Cultural Liberalism is that sex/romance is simple, fun, recreational, satisfying, and trouble-free once the negativities of religion are discarded. A pure lie from the Father of Lies! This falsehood pervades our culture and influences all of us as we long delusionally for Mr. or Miss Wonderful! It is good to know!
Well, actually, as I think about it, someone did tell us about it!
A priest in confession once told me that I would be afflicted like this, I would be fighting this battle until my body is cold in its grave four days! It is good to know!
Perhaps 20 years ago, already in my 50s, I was enjoying a whiskey in a cosy tavern on the lower east side of Manhatten with John Rapinich, my best friend, my little-big brother, brilliant autodidact, poet, artist, friend of Jack Kerouac and the Beats, hard-core Catholic convert, charismatic, Neo-Cat, delightful eccentric. I was aware of the generations of workers, ethnic immigrants, gangsters, activists, artists, politicians, alcoholics, and others who had enjoyed such a whiskey in such a warm ambience with such congenial company. Mystically, I felt united with the Communion of Saints-and-Sinners. The gentle, warm euphoria that comes around the third or forth sip of whiskey was descending upon me. It occurred to me to share with this wise, loving friend about my struggles with unchastity. I did so. I don't know what I expected but my trust in him was strong so I knew he would only be helpful. He seemed to sigh quietly and then... calmly, solemnly voiced two words: "The suffering!" I was stunned! This made no sense at all: a complete non-sequitur ("does not follow")! I was not talking about suffering! I was talking about a psychological weakness, a defect in character, a moral failure, an insobriety and a sin! Not suffering! I was quiet. He was quiet. For quite a time. It was as if I had traveled into the Egyptian desert in the third century to receive a Word...a single Word...a Word from the Lord...from St. Anthony of the Desert. This Word was not something to be questioned, analyzed, discussed. It was Holy! It was from Above! It was to be gratefully, reverently, humbly received...and cherished. And I have so cherished it ever since! It is good to know!
Not too long after that I was in a holy place, a friary, with a wise young friar and I similarly shared a tormenting obsession. He gently responded: "Some things just must be suffered." Again...that word...suffer! It is good to know!
It is good to know we are suffering. It is a first step on the road to beatitude. It is a curse to suffer and not even be aware of it. Recently I interviewed a woman who was looking to move out of a good apartment which she was convinced was being broken into. Her anxiety was palpable. Her psychosis obvious. When I mentioned the anxiety she responded: "What anxiety? I am not anxious!" For me one of the great tragedies is the failure of middle aged men to recognize and articulate their depression and so commit suicide. It is good to know you are suffering. And it is good when another, a friend or counselor or confessor, acknowledges your suffering.
It is even better when you find a purpose for your suffering. When it has meaning. Like the mother giving birth. Like the long distance runner breathing heavy in the later stage of the marathon. The suffering is lessened, is backgrounded and marginalized but not eliminated, when some purpose is in the foreground. For example, I have found consistent relief when I simply pray for the woman who arouses sexual or romantic passion: you would not believe how many prayers I have offered for Ingrid Bergman, Sophia Loren, Halle Berry, Penelope Cruz and a litany of other beauties. I hope the prayers help them but they certainly do help me!
It is good to know that we are suffering! It is good to do some little positive thing with our suffering!
You are formally notified, dear Reader! You are suffering...You have suffered...and You will suffer...the Agony of sexual and romantic yearnings! Until Jesus comes!
Come Lord Jesus!
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