Cain: "Am I my brother's keeper?"
Christ: "Yes, you are a guardian, you are the guardian of holiness, guardian of the dignity in every man and woman. You are the keeper of the holiness of her body. It is to remain ever an object of your respect. Then you can rejoice in the beauty with which God has endowed her from the beginning. And she will rejoice in you. She will then feel safe under her brother's gaze and rejoice in the gift that her womanhood was created to be." John Paul II in "A Meditation on Givenness"
The one is good, the second is at best weak (which is not bad) and at worst evil. These words, phylogyny and gynophilia, both etymologically from the Greek roots "philia" (love) and "gyno" (woman), mean "love of woman." They are entirely different: they refer to distinct forms. They are not intrinsically contradictory of each other. For example, in a wholesome romance or marriage, they can enrich each other. But they are normally at least in tension and often, in practice, exclude each other.
Phylogyny is noble, selfless, generous: it is love as admiration and tenderness. Gynophilia is attraction out of one's own needs/desires and is self-centered. It is not itself bad; it is rooted in finitude as a created goodness; but in our fallen/sinful state it is easily, normally, even systemically prone to corruption, dysfunction and toxicity.
Phylogyny
In tenderness and admiration, this love is ecstatic, generous and contemplative as it considers the Beloved for herself, in her distinctive integrity, beauty, worth, fragility, vulnerability and misery. It does not value the love object for its own satisfaction. It is Agape love as self-giving and sacrificial even as it is Eros as contemplation of the Beloved as beautiful, good and true in herself. It is neither utilitarian nor narcissistic. It is ennobling. It is virility as virtue. Interiorly, it transforms the man with strength as well as humility, chastity, wisdom. It is love as filial reverence/gratitude, as brotherly affections, as spousal devotion, and as paternal care.
It is rooted naturally in the infant boy's reception of maternal comfort in visceral wonder and gratitude. The baby boy, in his hunger, agitation, and misery, receives the mother's tenderness, and especially her nurturing/comforting breast, in a euphoria that is already an implicit gratitude and admiration. He experiences a union with her, in tenderness and delight, which he will retain in memory, albeit inchoately, and transfer unconsciously to women in various ways throughout his life. In other words, the boy who is well-loved by his mother will carry a debt of tenderness and affection he will repay to all women he encounters.
This paradise of comfort is short-lived however, as he must be weaned and detach from mother in the excruciating Oedipal Passover. But if he is received by a Father (or surrogate) he is on the road to interiorizing that paternity as strength, confidence, courage, tenderness and generosity. His itinerary into virility, long and difficult (unlike the maturation of the girl: spontaneous, organic, and miraculously efficacious) destines him, in God grace, for masculine strength that is tender/generous/protective to the woman and all life as precious, holy, fragile and suffering.
This maturation includes the steady transformation of the infant's incoherent wonder/gratitude into conscious admiration: contemplation of woman as other-than-masculine, as precious and beautiful, as strong-generous-sacrificial-sensitive in an extreme, as fragile and vulnerable to misery. This glance of reverence channels his explosive, testosterone-inflamed, even dangerous masculine fierceness into heroism, service, chastity and humility as son, brother, bridegroom and father.
The form, the interiority and essence, of masculinity is phylogyny as fierce, sober, chaste, generous, tender, contemplative and courageous love for the woman, for this specific woman, for the children she gives him, for the entire community and social order that surrounds mother-and-children.
Gynophilia
At the core of this love are the natural needs, desires and longings of the created male as lonely, dependent, needy, and desirous. We can imagine that when Adam viewed Eve with such wonder ("Here at last is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh!"), free of sin, he appreciated her for herself even as he felt satisfied at all levels of his own needy self, physical-emotional-intellectual-moral-spiritual. Prior to the Fall, there was no binary of selfish-selfless: his spousal embrace of Eve encompassed and satisfied all the longings of both their hearts. It was the honeymoon we all dream of (and some of us experience, although only for a while.) It is the satisfaction of the mother happily nursing her child, and the proud father standing over them (again, a paradise short-lived but abiding in memory forever.)
Unhappily, however, in the condition of original sin and concupiscence, this naturally wholesome vulnerability/dependency does not remain innocent but becomes corrupt, with virtual inevitability. If we return to the primal mother/boy attachment, we can imagine that in course of time the mother fails to adequately comfort and nurture her child, for any number of reasons. Or, the mother is adequate but there is no father-figure available, for any number of reasons, to support and accompany the boy as he detaches from maternal enclosure. Through no fault of his own, the little guy is now agitated, dissonant within, unhappy and angry. As he grows up with this internal wound of loneliness, he carries within himself two troubling propensities: the regressive infantile longing to return to the comforting breast/womb and a rage at the mother who frustrated him and the father that abandoned him. Here we discover the two faces of misogyny: childish craving for and objectifying of woman as source of relief/ pleasure and rage expressed in contempt, abuse, jealousy, and control. The male as weak or vicious.
This inordinate but largely unconscious internal dissonance, this "weakness of the flesh," will now find toxic, dysfunctional expressions under the influence of the "world" and the devil. The world will discourage and distort the form of "virility" in various ways in accord with the two-pathed strategy of Satan. His goal is to desecrate the maturing boy's virility as iconic of the Fatherhood of the Father in two ways: making him weak, unchaste, fearful and cowardly or making him angry and violent. Or making him both! (Consider Peter: he angrily severs the ear of Malchus and then cowardly denies Christ three times.) While Lucifer despises Mary and in her femininity the most, his second favorite target is virility, especially as spousal fidelity and paternal protection. So, in our world today, he has targeted the family as structured around the faithful father (and holy mother) and the priesthood as fatherly love.
Combat Within the Masculine Soul: Six Architypes
In the real world, of sin, the male heart/intellect/will is in interminable conflict between these two philias. I was told years ago in confession in regard to my own gynophilia: "Your body will be cold in the grave four hours before you feel any release from these impulses." THE crisis of our age is the Satanic attack on femininity; this is waged through the corruption of virility into infantile narcissism and vicious misogyny.
Each one of us men carry us within the "old man" of fallen Adam as cowardly-lustful-indifferent-oppressive-infantile, and the "new man" of Christ as courageous-chaste-engaged-generous-fatherly. We can identify seven (surely there are more) architypes carried in the male psyche: the Queen Mother, the Precious Princess and the Sister-Friend-Collaborator are holy and wholesome. By contrast, the The Lost Love Object, the Bad Mother, the Temptress, and Woman as Worthless are all destructive. These are coherent, dynamic interior forms which can be triggered at any time by a woman. Every encounter of a man with a woman is, of course, a fresh, novel Event which opens to a horizon of promise; but it also remembers, rehearses, and elaborates prior memories which can take the shape of these six and others.
Queen Mother is woman as strong, noble, generous, protective, beautiful, heroic, comforting, reassuring. This is the memory of the serene, nurturing, especially nursing mother. A good image of her is Galadriel in Lord of the Rings as played radiantly by Cate Blanchett. The elven queen is mesmerizingly lovely in a blend of purity and power. She, perhaps alone in the entire saga, is invulnerable to the Darkness that is threatening. She surely was, for the Catholic Tolkien, inspired by our Blessed Mother, who is as Immaculate-Virgin-Mother the pinnacle of God's creation and singularly crushed the head of Satan.
Princess Daughter is woman as precious, delightful, innocent, refreshing, surprising, pure, good, beautiful, true, delicate, fragile, vulnerable to misery, other-than-masculine...as seen adoringly by her Father. This is the love of a mature virility: strong, confident, certain, seasoned, fearless, generous, heroic, wise, humble. It is not that the man already has these virtues, but that her infinite worth and charm arouse within him a Godlike fervor to cherish, provide, protect, and guide at all costs. So the man who has been well loved in infancy, has interiorized the virility of a father figure, and is himself a man-among-men (a "made man" in some sense) is now moved by the inexpressible worth and preciousness of his daughter into paternity as generosity, heroism, valor, devotion and holiness. She is, like the Queen-Mother and the Sister Friend, a "sacrament" for the man, a physical encounter with the Divine.
Sister-Friend-Collaborator is a companionship in the good and true. Here there is equality of status in contrast to the asymmetry of filial reverence and paternal affection. Here we find mutuality in respect, affection and fascination. This is not a needy, dependent relationship as both relate out of a prior plenitude. They unite with each other in some shared Good beyond themselves: the family, a mission, an interest, a task. This is the Greek Philia as classically distinguished by C.S. Lewis from love as Eros (beauty), Agape (self-giving) and Affection (as for family.) In the tenderness and reverence they share for each other they draw each other into a shared Good and eventually to God.
Lost Love Object is the loving, comforting mother as lost. This is the unconscious grief of the little boy who has lost his paradise: he is weaned too early, he is neglected, he is deprived as siblings require the limited attention of mother, he is detached without a compensating father, he is alone and desolate. And so he carries within himself, quietly and covertly, an infantile craving to return to the euphoria of maternal enclosure. Later, this longing, if not honestly recognized and addressed, can be perverted into lust, covetousness, and romantic infatuation. This is a needy, dependent desire; not love in the true sense of appreciation for the other as other. Rather, it is narcissistic desire for the other as boundless comfort and relief from inner dissonance. The range of addictions (drugs, alcohol, eating, hording, consuming as well as sex and romance) express this regression into a comforting, faux-maternal enclosure. Such "love" becomes the "fatal attraction" of the raging or despondent lover spurned.
Bad Mother is similarly the lost mother, as disapproving, angry, distant, indifferent, abusive or negligent...at least in the boys subjectivity. This experience arouses within a rage, rather than the longing of the previous architype. Of course, the two are compatible, even as they move in different directions. A man can swing swiftly from one to the other as infatuation can change to resentment. Again, this rage is repressed but simmers in the psyche/heart/soul to erupt later as misogynist compulsions of contempt, control, and abuse.
Temptress, seductress or femme fatale, is a sophisticated elaboration of the lost and bad mother. This is woman as desired in a passionate gynophobia, a desperate longing in loneliness, who is powerful but given over to the evil side and draws the vulnerable, needy male into sin of some sort. We have premonitions of this already in Eve's tempting of Adam. The weak, emasculated male, in his craving for feminine comfort/approval surrenders himself to temptation. This is obvious in sexual seduction, but includes much more. Recall Jezebel who drew Israel away from Yahweh into Baalism and killed the humble Naboth who refused to sell his vineyard to the cowardly, jealous King Ahab.
Woman as Worthless may be the most pernicious as it is both pervasive and unrecognized, like a virulent cancer without symptoms. This is masculinity as blind to the distinctive worth of the feminine. It characterizes the insecure, immature male psyche desperate to establish its own masculine identity. It infuses toxic hyper-machismo cultures of competition, combat, achievement and egoism. In its exaltation of power, victory, success and status it denigrates the distinctively feminine as weakness: sensitivity, empathy, generosity, kindness. The woman only has value as a status symbol ("trophy wife"), source of pleasure, or a competitor in combat. Much of mainline feminism since the 1960s interiorized this poison as it mimics a depraved machismo: sexual license, abortion, career obsession, and idolization of physical appearance and meritocratic success.
Variations on the Architypes in Phylogyny and Gynophilia
Real relationships are always a rich, dense, deep blend of these architypes. Certain patterns stand out.
Romance, as infatuation or "falling in love," is heavily influenced by the gynophilic craving for the lost mother. "Falling" suggests a failure, a regression, a loss of control and potency. And so "falling in love" is an intoxication, a loss of sobriety and prudence, a fog of confusion and irrationality. Infatuation is best understood as a mirage of longing: the smitten does not see his desired in her actual self, but projects upon her his own image of the feminine as comforting, approving and encompassing. It is like the wanderer in the desert who lacks water: he actually sees, in the distance, a mirage of water that is not there but a projection of his own longing. So it is with romance: euphoric, desperate, irrational, confused, erroneous. By contrast with such gynophilic "falling" is the phylogynic language of "loving" or "being in love" or "standing in love." These last suggest virile strength, autonomy, and sobriety rather than lack, deprivation and need. Real romances are usually an unstable, explosive combination of the two types of love: the drama is the conflict between them.
Spousal Love of the Groom in its true form is the phylogynic blend of love for the bride as queen mother, precious princess and sister-friend. In this it is wholesome and ennobling. It also entails gynophilic desires that in the right way enrich the marriage. This includes: erotic attraction, desire for companionship, and longing for feminine approval, support and comfort. These, in the right order, are intrinsic to the conjugal union and seal it off distinctively as exclusive, free, final, fruitful. Unhappily, in real life the man also brings a range of dysfunctional gynophilic propensities: lust, control, resentment, jealousy, possessiveness, and contempt. For the marriage to thrive, of course, these demons must eventually be exorcised, in patience-prayer-persistence. But even the wholesome desires for comfort and pleasure are destined to frustration in the normal course of married and family life. This inevitable, organic negation of natural selfish desires is a school of purification...if accepted as such...which ennobles the male in generosity and frees him from his emasculating compulsions.
Celibate Priestly and Religious love is a heaven-on-earth phylogyny blending filial devotion, fatherly affection, and brotherly love. Without the blessings and privileges of matrimony, the wholesome as well as the toxic gynophilic urges must be expressed and renounced in a new economy of chaste virility. Grace will work with nature in an itinerary that includes: increased bonds of affection with women of his family such as mother, sisters, cousins, aunts; strong fraternal bonds with brother priests; deep prayer life around the sacraments, Daily Office, contemplation; reverent, chaste, mature friendships with women; and especially devotion to Mary as quintessential Queen Mother, Precious Princess and Friend. Indeed the celibate priesthood is possible and intelligible only as rooted in the deepest bond with the Mother of Jesus, as exemplified in John, the beloved disciple
Virgin Martyr. This splendid architype flowered spontaneously, robustly in the very infancy of the Church. It echoes the virginity of Mary, Jesus, Joseph, John the Baptist and John the beloved apostle as well as the martyrdom of the Baptist, Jesus, and the other apostles. It is a sublime marriage of the Princess Daughter and the Queen Mother: small, vulnerable, innocent, fresh, pure; and powerful, victorious, protective, nurturing and comforting. Consider, in our own time, St. Maria Goretti: viciously attacked at the age of 11 by the porn-addicted Alessandro Serenelli, she defended her purity heroically and was stabbed 14 times and carried a distance to a hospital where she finally died, praying for her assailant. The miserable criminal's life was transfigured years later when she appeared to him in sleep, offering him 14 lilies and God's mercy. Here we see woman in full radiance as vulnerable and triumphant, innocent and heroic, humble and magnanimous, receptive and generous. Here we see the influence of luminous femininity...purifying, encouraging, ennobling...on masculinity, even at its vicious, decadent worst.
The First Step
The absolutely necessary, crucial step in the male journey to a robust, generous love for women is recognition of one's gynophilic impulses: lust, infatuation, control, contempt, indifference, detachment and narcissism. If a man is 99% virtue and 1% vice (unlikely of course!) but he denies the 1%, he is a catastrophe! Better to be 99% vice and 1% virtue, with honesty and the slightest contrition and hunger for goodness! Our world and especially our Church have both been devastated and scandalized by a horrific, recurrent tragi-drama: talented, accomplished, brilliant, admirable and pious men who protect a secret of predatory abuse of the vulnerable and innocent women and young men. It seems that in the worst cases (Vanier, Maciel, McCarrick) there is a split personality whereby the desperate predator is cut off from the largely virtuous personality, a profound disassociation, a double life.
Such compulsions, even in ordinary cases, are profound, powerful and invulnerable to moralism, good intentions, and the limited human will. They are rooted in primal wounds, genetic tendencies, worldly influences, bad decisions, patterns of habit, and demonic influence. Alessandro Serenelli is typical: raised in poverty amidst mental illness and alcoholism, he associated with bad people, used pornography, and so surrendered himself to evil, an evil that was not able to withstand the holiness of little Maria: "the gates of hell shall not prevail."
At the root of toxic, disordered impulses are, of course, genuine masculine needs for connection, nurture, approval, and comfort. These are the valid needs of the infant and child that have been frustrated, leaving a traumatic wound. They cannot be denied or willed away. When they are honestly admitted the male is no longer regressive, infantile and childish, but childlike. He can bring these pains and yearnings out of the darkness of shame and denial. In trust and prudence, he can receive healing in wholesome and holy ways.
Paths to Freedom
Psychology offers therapy and counseling.
But nothing trumps trust, transparency, accountability, support and intimacy of family and friends.
Catholics benefit from confession, Eucharist, spiritual direction, fellowship with men, and an entire program of repentance, encouragement and sanctification.
There are, additionally, outside of the mainstream, powerful dynamics that bring deliverance to men through natural means under the influence of the Holy Spirit:
1. 12 Steps, the most well known, starts with acknowledgement of powerlessness and proceeds through surrender to God, a fearless moral inventory, reparation of wrongs, accountability and an intimate fellowship of honesty and accountability. Among these are programs which address sexual compulsions. The best of these (certainly for a Catholic) is Sexaholics Anonymous (S.A.) which defines sobriety as reserving sex for marriage (man/woman) alone, a high bar indeed, brazenly countercultural!
2. Healing of Memories, developed in the 1970s within the Charismatic Renewal, especially by Ruth Carter Stapleton (sister of President Jimmy Carter), recalls traumatic injuries, invoking the Holy Spirit, and re-imagines them with Jesus Christ now concretely present. Prayerful, gentle, psychology-based, Jesus-centered, and liberating, it seems to have fallen into disuse, unfortunately.
3. Deliverance from Evil Spirits, like the healing of memories, flowered out of the Charismatic Renewal, but has been growing in influence. There are any number of approaches, especially in the evangelical world, but a strong, Catholic-friendly model has been developed by Neal Lozano. This again is psychology-based, gentle, Jesus-centered and entirely surrendered to the Holy Spirit. In a safe, conversational, prayerful ambience current bondages are identified and bad memories recalled and then clear steps are taken to dismiss the evil spirits: repentance (from sin to Jesus as Savior), forgiveness (in the name of Jesus of anyone who has offended), renunciation (specifically, gently, authoritatively in Jesus name, directing the demon to depart), command (follow up renunciation by prayer minister) and blessing (invoking the Holy Spirit to fill the now vacated soul with the contrary good as peace in place of anxiety).
4. Scrutiny, a little-know step within the Neocatechumenal Way, uses amateur, commonsense, prudential psychology within a prayerful, trusting, transparent environment. Experienced catechists probe the participant and help identify impediments to holiness. They then give a specific task to break through to freedom. It is unknown and misunderstood outside of this "way" but I can testify from experience that it shares with the prior three methods: practicality, reliance on the Holy Spirit, shared trust and honesty, a deep sense of the power of Jesus Christ, gentleness, and a breathtaking efficacy.
These practices are the more amazing as they are all "ay" in two senses: outside of the priestly, sacramental economy and detached from the professional, credentialed clergy of modernity. They are all practiced by the little ones, under the power of the Holy Spirit.
Our Path Ahead
Ways we men grow in phylogynic virility:
- Recall, receive and relish all the admiring, tender love we receive from so many women. As we internalize this, our own virile tenderness/reverence/devotion is inflamed.
- Healthy friendship with our friends-brothers quiets our longing for connection and strengthens us.
- Embrace of our masculine state of life...son, brother, friend, groom, father, cousin, uncle, grandfather, priest, religious brother...in all its connections, challenges, privileges, responsibilities and blessings.
- Reverent intimacy with our Blessed Mother, female saints, and the holy women who come into our lives.
- Eucharistic reception of Jesus, imploring him to infuse our own masculinity with his robust virility.
Mary, our Blessed Mother, Princess Virgin, Sister-and-Friend,
we men place ourselves under the mantle of your holiness and purity, beauty and love,
and request the influence your exercised on your husband Joseph and your son Jesus!
Free us from sins against women!
Make us pure, strong, generous, wise, peaceful and holy...just like your own Joseph and Jesus!
Amen!
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