The Feminine Sense of Time

So engaged in conversation with friends in a Hoboken pub was she, my daughter, that she allowed barely enough time to get to the Newark train station to pick up her boyfriend at 5 PM. Unexpected traffic delays caused her to be a half hour late. He was not happy. Women run late; men like to be on time. This womanly tardiness is rooted in two moral strengths. First, women are more deeply engaged in the moment, in the current task or conversation; they are more "incarnated" and surrendered to the flow of the "now." The male has a more pronounced tendency to abstraction and thus more easily distances himself, emotionally and cognitively, from the moment in order to relate to schedules, appointments and timetables. My wife normally runs late because she is so involved in the cooking, gardening, cleaning, shopping or child care that she loses track of the more abstract schedule and timeline. A second moral strength is that the female is more involved and invested in other people: getting the kids ready, cleaning and cooking for the family, shopping for presents, and so forth. The male is more selfish, isolated and individualistic. The father can't understand why the mother can't get herself and their four kids ready on time; he has no such problem. Feminine tardiness is rooted in two moral strength: a deeper, more intense involvement in the moment and a broader investment in the needs and concerns of others. The male is abstracted and self-centered and therefore gets to that meeting or mass on time, most of the time. And so, we have a more masculine and a more feminine sense of time. It is not that one is superior to the other: they are different and destined to compliment each other. But in our industrial, technological society, the masculine is privileged. Industrial or mechanical time is measured precisely by the clock, by numbers; more primitive societies work out of a more organic sense of time. The one privileges control and efficiency; other is more creative, nurturing, flexible, fluid and contemplative. Cultures, like individuals, differ on this spectrum: Hispanic cultures are notorious (among us Angolos) for their loose and light sense of time. UPS, my employer for many years, was the epitome of punctuality: you just did not arrive for a 9 O'clock meeting at 9:01; if the plane's wheels rolled one second after scheduled time there was hell to pay. President Bush once locked the door on Colin Powell who arrived a few minutes late for a cabinet meeting. Nor are all men punctual and all women late. In my own family of origin, for example, my father, who was born on a farm (organic), worked as a union organizer for the UAW, a very industrial setting. We ate dinner every night at 6:00 PM, not 5:59 or 6:01; he arrived at 8 O'Clock mass at 8:00, never 7:59 or 8:01. He was quietly inflexible on this and my mother was entirely deferential. My own sisters emulate this habit and are reliably punctual or masculine in their timing. I have not been successful in eliciting from my wife the deference my mom granted dad. My daughter's boyfriend stands even less chance than I did in winning this battle. Sometimes, the wiser course is to recognize and surrnder to the moral strength of the other.

Personal Vows

Outside of marriage and the religious life, we don't often think or speak of vows. But vows are very important and I think we make them all the time, if in a less than fully conscious, deliberate manner. Father Von Balthasar wisely observed that genuine love always has a "vow-like" quality to it. A true friendship, for example, endures in some form for a lifetime, and probably into the afterlife. He emphasized that Catholic-Christian identity inexorably expresses itself in a specific vow, normally to the married or evangelical life (poverty, chastity, obedience, community.)In contrast to such solemn vows, however, we make many more ordinary, simple vows: I will never have children, I will never trust a man, I won't fall in love again. Vows can be holy, in accord with the destiny God has planned, or unholy, contradictory of God's intentions but expressive of those of The Enemy. But even an evil vow has a grandeur about it in that it is absolute, final, permanent, unlike so much of modern life in its fickleness and impermanence. Think Javert (Russel Crowe) in Les Miserable, Henri Duchard (Liam Neelson) of the League of Shadows in Batman Begins, or all the vengenge-fueled villain-heros portrayed by Clint, Arnold,Sylvester and the like. Revenge may be the quintessential demonic vow. Lucifer himself must be respected for the finality of his "non serviam" in that he is vowed to resist God for eternity. Our own baptismal vow, renewed so frequently in the liturgy, is itself a renunciation of his renunciation. On the positive side, our journey into the Kingdom of God is marked by vows. Some consecrated groups make special vows, in additon to the normal three: service of the Holy Father (Jesuits), stability of place (Benedictines) or service of the very poor and suffering. At about the age of 8 or 9, I reacted with a serious sensitivity as I learned about how many people suffer poverty and need and at that time probably made an inchoate promise that my life would have to somehow respond to such suffering. Much later, my encounter with the delightful people in boarding homes gave this intention a more precise expression as I prayed that I might help them. A bad experience of a marihuana high at a party about 40 years ago left me with the resolution that I would never smoke again. The marital vow includes a pledge to regard every other woman as a sister-in-Christ and ennables a rich diversity of loving, reverent, trusting and even intimate if chaste relationships with women. Vows of abstinence in regard to chastity and alcohol are exemplary: think of the Nazarite Samson, Bathseba's husband Uriah, John the Baptist, and the chastity of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Even politics has a quasi-vow quality: my own allegiance to the legal protection of all human life largely precludes me from voting Democrat in national elections; most of my family and friends and just about everyone in Jersey City where I live, on the other hand, are unbendingly loyal to and collaborative with the regime of "choice." To say this is a source of tension and pain is an understatement. Our Lord and Savior gave Himself to us finally and absolutely on the cross and comes to us every day in the Eucharist; may all our smaller promises and pledges be expressive our responsive, Eucharistic devotion to Him.

In Retreat

We are in retreat. With Obama's re-election, the liberals are clearly winning the Culture War for our major institutions: government, law, media, entertainment and education. But that is alright. The war is far from over. And we know how to retreat. We love to retreat. Today's festal saint, Anthony of the desert, retreated into the Egyptian wilderness and his spiritual descendants were to create Western Culture. As Reno points out in this month's First Things: we have a place where we can retreat: our families, Church and associated institutions. We don't have to control society's institutions because we have our own. By contrast, the liberals have no such haven so they are absolutely desperate to prevail in law, politics and the broader culture; they are apoplectic about gay marriage, contraception, and "reproductive rights." By contrast, we conservatives view the state and law as subordinate, subsidiary institutions which are rooted in and contribute to the primary ones of family and Church. We can lose the battle because we know that in the long run we will win the war. We can retreat, regroup and revive ourselves in peace and hope.

The Silence of the Men at Christmas

From St. Joseph we never hear a word: before, during or after the infancy narratives. He is quiet, peaceful, docile, receptive and obedient to the messages from heaven. Zechariah, a temple priest, is struck mute for the nine months that Elizabeth carries John the Baptist: a leader and teacher, unable to speak a single word. The Magi quietly follow the star and then disappear into the East: we don't even know what they were, kings, magicians, astronomers, or seekers of some sort? The shepherds, accustomed to silence, listen in awe to the music of the angels. The only masculine noise comes from the envious, infanticidal, pro-choice (that is, his own choice, of course) Herod as he massacres the Holy Innocents. The imagery is stark and lucid: the good men are quiet, the evil one is loud. We see here that virile virtue is rooted in quiet, silence, interior peace and docility. And yet, paradoxically, the masculine, or paternal role, is also one of teaching, of passing on the tradition, of articulating the law and giving discipline. Clearly, masculine instruction that does not emerge from the profundity of silence can only be noise, dissonance and violation. My sister once told me: "You should be more like our father: less talk of the talk, more walk of the talk!" Now there is some ego-deflation for you. She had a point. How often I have prayed during a homily: "Lord! Just let him shut up!" I read about a Pentecostal minister, accustomed to hearing the voice of the Lord, who ascended a pulpit before a huge congregation, prepared to deliver a message, when he heard, from heaven, a clear voice: "Be quiet." He obeyed. He stood before the crowd for close to an hour without saying a word. They sat quietly gazing at him. Suddenly, a sound of weeping broke the silence. Soon, the Church was filled with loud sobs and cries: the sinners were weeping about their sins and the love of Christ. The silence of the preacher provided the peace and clam in which the Holy Spirit could work. Lord! Give us men a Spirit of quiet, of peace, of docility!

Scandalized by the Church

Pray for me. I want to serve God but I see my Church going in another direction. I lack serenity. These words were spoken to me humbly and sincerely by a dear friend, a decent, generous man who has given his life to the work of the Church, especially among the poor. He is scandalized by the Church. He is in torment. His pain is genuine, innocent and childlike. I had nothing to say. But I pray for him. He is, I realized, emblematic of so many others who are scandalized by the Church. The representative of God on earth, this Church seems to them to desecrate what is most worthy and holy. It is not so for me. Through no effort or merit of my own, I have always seen the Church as a society of sinners, loved onto death by our Lord. Every new abominable revelation pulls me deeper into the heart of the Church: identification with miserable sinners and desperation for the Mercy of Christ. Lucidly, I see unveiled in the economies of Church dogma, worship and morality, the inexorable logic and irrepressible dynamism of Christ's love for us sinners. As I pray for my friend and so many like him, I urgently need to humble myself, in the Church, before this adorable Mercy; and honor the sensitivity, fragility and earnestness that lends itself to such painful spiritual trauma.

Catholic Answers to Careerism

From a Catholic perspective, there are two contrasting responses to careerism, the conviction that one's worth is found in professional success. The first would downgrade career and profession to the lower status of a "job," a mere means of providing our material necessities, in order to free time, energy and attention for the higher values of family and Church. This was St. Paul's attitude, for example, to his trade of tent-making: it provided his necessities in order that he could be free to preach the Gospel. This might be called an "apocalyptic" view of work as it implies that the things of this world are passing away and become devalued in deference to the coming and transcendent kingdom of heaven. Something like this was common at UPS, where I worked, among the truck drivers (not the managers) who worked long hours to provide for their families but did not glamorize their work as many prized more highly their participation in Little League, voluntary fire department, Church or community work. This view seemed to prevail, in my experience, in the early days of the Charismatic Renewal and also the Neocatechumenal Way. At least in my part of the world (NYC and Jersey City) these have predominantly attracted unsuccessful, low-income working class people and even the unemployed and disabled. The Gospel preached to these, the "poor of Yahweh," the "losers" in the competitive arena of the market economy, is a radical, unworldly one of evangelical faith, hope and love. The great value of this approach is that it radically rejects careerism; it transcends the "winner-loser" divide of our meritocracy by unifying all of us in an ecclesial community of adoration, faith and love; and it rejects, lucidly and emphatically, the "ways of the world" in favor of heavenly concerns. A second approach finds in work and career itself a religious vocation or profession. This might be called an "incarnational" approach since heavenly values themselves take flesh in work. The happiness of this approach is that work itself becomes worship of God and service of out brethren. This view is especially pronounced in movements like Opus Dei and Communion and Liberation, which seem to attract highly educated, professional, service-oriented people. In this approach, work and career themselves express one's deepest religious aspirations. My own children are reflective of this: psychologist, theologian, physician's assistant, teacher, social worker, lawyer and nurse. The challenge of this path is to remain "in the world" without becoming "of the world" especially in the privileged, empowered status that comes with competence and expertise and distances us from those who are unable to achieve success. Sustained attention to the needy and dedication to service are, happily, the pathway to meeting this challenge. My life has reflected the first option, the "apocalyptic," as I spent 25 years in quite a decent "job" (not really much of a career) in UPS and just over half that much time in low-pay, low-status service as religion teacher ("catechist" actually) and manager of a residence for low-income women.

Careerism

Careerism is the conviction, often not consciously acknowledged, that one's own worth, and that of others, is primarily or significantly rooted in occupational achievement and success. Our society is a meritocracy in which status and worth are considered to be earned rather than ascribed according to the class of our birth family. As society becomes increasingly technical, complex and specialized, achievement in school and work take on elevated importance. There are many problems with this development. First of all, our society is increasingly polarized between "winners" and "losers" with a huge gap between them. The "winners" are those who obtain technical expertise and become valuable in the marketplace: lawyers, architects, doctors and professors. "Losers" fail at this and fall into low-paying, low-status jobs. Typically, "losers" bond with their own kind and create unions (frequently, non-marital) that are financially insecure and vulnerable to the disrupting and chaotic dynamics of poverty and all the fruits of the sexual revolution (co-habitation, mothers without husbands, divorce, etc.) "Winners" also marry their own kind and enjoy two good salaries as well as the benefits of the more disciplined sexuality of traditional marital stability. This trend is aggravated by the depletion of the bank of low-skill, high paying, manufacturing-based, union jobs that enriched our working class in the post-WWII decades. Secondly, the emerging gap is intensifying the crisis of masculinity as young women are increasingly outperforming young men and the latter are prone to insecurity, indecision, immaturity, discouragement, moral impotence and an incapacity for genuine spousal, vocational and paternal commitment. This crisis in virility or paternity is, in my view, the defining calamity of our age. Thirdly, young women, as they excel in the marketplace of success, imbibe an ethos that is "macho" in the worst sense and become alienated from the inherent worth of their own femininity. Their maternal instincts are resilient and irrepressible so that the "crisis of femininity" is nowhere near the gravity of the "crisis of masculinity." But our young women are over-achieving and over-stressed and deprived of the support, rest and peace that they deserve and need. Nervous, restless and anxious, they are unable to provide our families and communities with the fruits of feminine restfulness: peace, joy, and the well-being of beauty. Fourth, the anxiety about performance in the workplace, now shared by men and women, depletes the instincts and energies germane to procreation as children, especially more than one or two, are perceived as threats to career advancement, rather than blessings. And so, the contraceptive or sterile ethos, monotonous and toxic, comes to dominate. Fifth, career success, in contrast to the fruitfulness of the marital or religious vocation, is seen as a self-achievement rather than a partnership with God in which we are responsive and receptive rather than autonomous and initiatory. Insidiously and subtly, then, professional advancement can corrode one's trust and reliance upon God. Sixth, obsessional focus upon one's individual professional advancement can inadvertently distract from relational bonds: marriage, family, Church and community. And so, we see some of our most successful people, often seen as "role models," leaving in the wake of their triumphant procession the wreckage of broken marriages, families and friendships. Seventh, those of us who, for whatever reason, cannot perform at all in the marketplace, become devalued, are marginalized and become invisible like people in boarding homes. Eighth, all of us, winners and losers, lose a sense of our own fundamental worth as children of God, regardless of rank and rating in the marketplace. Careerism, largely unrecognized, is a fundamental spiritual sickness of our society. Lord, in your mercy, deliver us from careerism!