"You Are a Nothing; You Are a Nobody!"

1967, my sophomore year at Maryknoll College Seminary, Glen Ellyn, Illinois, I was receiving my evaluation from Fr. Jack Halbert MM. Looking at me intensely, intently he continued: "What is it with you? You are not a leader, not a problem, not an athlete, not a joker, not the popular guy! You are a nobody! A nothing." He continued: "What about your father? What does he do? Is he a nothing like you?"

Periodically in the seminary we received an "evaluation" from a priest that delivered the consensus of the faculty on our progress toward the priesthood: Were we on track? In danger of being let go? Any problems to be addressed?

Fr. Halbert was a marvelous priest: intelligent, competent, energetic, passionate. A real leader of men! At the top of my "Top Ten Best Men I Have Known."  He was not cozy and pleasant with us, more like a drill sergeant: brutally candid, demanding, fierce. Years later, after he served the poor and suffering in violence-torn ElSalvador and led the Maryknoll Society, I caught him on Bill Buckley's Firing Line with Michael Novak. Novak, with Buckley's approval, was singing the praises of capitalism and free markets. Halbert was probably expected to counter with liberation theology and anti-American-capitalism arguments. He did no such thing. Calmly he said: "I appreciate experts and scholars like yourself, Michael, who study these systems and theories. I have no such expertise. All I can tell you is what I experience among the suffering in ElSalvador." I was SO proud of him!

I have always recalled that evaluation event with gratitude and happiness: it came at a formative time and was one of the best man-to-man encounters in my life. On rare occasions when I have shared it, people are horrified that he was SO not-nice. The funny thing, is that even at that moment I remember enjoying it. I was not humiliated, discouraged, sad or mad. I felt honored and engaged.

Why was that? I see a number of reasons:

1.  I was getting attention. It is nice to get attention, even if it is negative. Clearly he cared enough and thought enough of me to tell me that I came across as a Nothing.  Generally we were not close to our priest teachers; they kept a certain emotional distance and rarely acted like mentors; this was different!

2.  Implicitly he was calling me to step out, man up, and be a Somebody.  He wouldn't be saying this if he didn't think I was capable of more than I was showing.

3.  I knew he was right: though high school and into college I was, socially, a wall flower: quiet, insecure, timid. The truth, even when it is harsh, is refreshing and remedial.

4.  When he asked about my father I swelled with pride: "No, my father is not a nobody at all. He is a union organizer for the UAW. He is a leader of men." As I said that, I thought to myself: "Given such a great father, there has to be something good in me. I can't be completely a Nobody."

5.  With the guys it was a big joke and even  a source of pride to get a bad evaluation. Brendan Fullam was told they envisioned him pushing a fruit cart somewhere in NYC. Greg Towle was told some of the priests became frightened when they looked across our chapel-in-the-round at his tough, gangster-type mug. So, one part of my mind was celebrating: wait till the guys here this one; nobody has gotten this bad an evaluation, that I am a nothing!

6.  There was somebody who thought I was a something: a faculty member but not a priest. The librarian was an insightful, bookish, self-educated, fascinating married man with a large, squared up face, as tough as that of Greg, befitting the ex-Marine, ex-boxer that he was. He could be the inspiration for a Jason-Bourne-type-hero: virile and tough, bookish and insightful, loyal husband and father, inspired by the Gospel but seemingly agnostic: more masculine, interesting version of Albert Camus. He had befriended me and taken me under his wing.  Pat Williams was much too smart to befriend a nobody.

7.  Stimulated by my librarian, ex-pugilist mentor, my bookish, thoughtful mind was by that time exhilarated by earthquake of change then exploding in our culture and especially our Church. I was on a steady, persistent intellectual "high"...all in the quiet, wholesome oasis of a seminary. I was happy with my position in life; being seen as a nobody did not unsettle me.

8.  I already had a number of good friends: when someone you like and respect likes and respects you, you can't entirely be a nobody.

9.  True enough: at the age of 19, I was a nobody in the big world and the smaller world of that college seminary. But in the small world from which I hailed, I was far from a nobody: my mom and dad and brothers and sisters and extended family and small circle of friends valued me. I really knew I was a somebody.

10.  My prayer life, quiet and modest, was to that point encouraged by seminary routines. Anyone with a connection with God's love cannot really be a nobody.

Fr. Halbert was a strong masculine influence on me; and on many. A tremendous man, priest, missioner! May he rest in peace!