Misogyny (hatred of woman) is evil; femomania (crazy about woman) is troubling; gynophilia (love of woman) is ennobling.
Misogyny
Hatred of woman is the most pervasive, powerful, diabolic dynamic in the world. We each receive life from our mothers; so attack upon woman is destruction of the human person and race.
An ancient Catholic tradition (non-biblical, neither affirmed nor denied by the Magisterium) has Lucifer revolting when he learned that he, the superior of all creatures, was destined to defer to a woman, fleshly-mortal-fragile, as queen of heaven and earth. The primary focus of satanic odium is: woman.
It takes myriad forms:
In Islam we have honor killings and polygamy.
In the contemporary rightwing manosphere we have shameless contempt (accompanied by antisemitism, a related pathology.)
In sexual, contraceptive liberalism we have deconstruction of femininity, flight from the maternal, reduction of woman to careerist producer, consumer, and object of male pleasure.
In language we have words expressive of contempt for the woman's body. The notorious F-word specifically indicates sexual violation or rape. It's casual, indeliberate usage has become widespread and acceptable; but the literal meaning is vile and demonic. To use or hear the word calmly, without emotive/moral agitation, indicates a pronounced verbal/spiritual stupidity: think "The Dude" in The Great Lebowski.
Modernity (we learn from Karl Stern's magisterial Flight from Woman)...as technical, scientific, rational, manipulating, non-contemplative, non-receptive, non-poetic...from Descartes through Sartre...is flamingly contemptuous of the feminine.
My personal engagement in misogyny was relatively benign, mostly developmental. As co-founder, at age 10, with Rich Ott and Bobby Moore, of our neighborhood "Girl Haters Club,"(shortly after my parents unjustly forced us to surrender the fort we had built to my sisters for their baby carriages!) I prevailed in my argument that our statues grant a dispensation from the "never talk to a girl rule" for sisters (I have six) in cases like "pass the salt" or "is anyone in the bathroom?" Amazingly, I kept that vow and never spoke to a girl (who was not cousin or sister) from the age of 10 to 22. This for two reasons: first, I was morbidly girl-shy. Second: in fifth grade we boys went with the Christian Brothers, in high school I was in the divinity section of all-boys Seton Hall Prep; my college was all-men seminary. Also, my jobs were all-male: caddying (there were women golfers but we didn't converse), delivering beer, construction, greenskeeper, etc. That was a time when there was a man's world and a woman's world; and there was peace on earth. (See Ivan Illich's Gender.)
My misogyny was mostly directed to the oldest of my sisters. From age 7-13 the only sin I recall confessing was "mean to my sisters" about 3 or 4 times a day, which would be 90 to 120 times if I went a month without confessing. I have always regretted this compulsion. On two different occasions in adult life I have asked her for forgiveness. To my surprise, she waved the thing off as nothing. Apparently, she was unaffected by it: her own self-esteem and affection for me, her big brother, were entirely unbothered. Amazing! This addiction happily disappeared sometime in college.
In adolescence, I realized that aside from the normal respect rendered mother, aunts, grandmothers and others and the obsessive lust/covetousness of concupiscence, I had little interest in girls who seemed silly, boring, emotional and lacking in the virile virtues I craved for myself. However, on my first date, at age 22, with my wife-to-be, I fell madly in love and recovered miraculously from my misogyny. As a matter of fact, I am passionately anti-misogynist, not unlike the Russel Crowe character in L.A. Confidential, who himself became a flaming femomaniac whenever the Kim Basinger character appeared.
Femomania
"Crazy about women." In Spanish: "Mujeriego." This is not a wholesome, virile appreciation for and tenderness to woman, but a desperation, a need, a craving. In itself it is not a vice or sin, as it is a passion, something suffered, indeliberate. It is the emotional substratum in which sin can be conceived in free will. It is, like intense same-sex desire, an emotional disorder. At its core is a feeling of loss, sadness, loneliness, isolation. It is diffuse, non-particular, profound. It can only be intelligible as a primal longing for the mother, for the infantile loss in the oedipal passage. It can manifest as lust, covetousness, jealousy, limerence (obsessive infatuation, see Dorothy Tennov), dependency, disordered craving for feminine attention, approval and affection. It is reflected when we speak of: falling in love, crazy about you, you are my everything, I can't live without you, fatal attraction, and such. In adult life this primal sadness is difficult to identify as it comes already commingled with thick shame and guilt, with a history of actions, involving freedom even as that freedom is diminished by psychological/social dynamics.
In severe cases, this is psychologically constitutive and not entirely curable. I was told in confession by a priest that my struggles with this would continue until my body was cold in the grave four days.
In the worst case scenario, it gives birth to vices, addictions, patterns of sin: obsessive fantasy, pornography, masturbation, promiscuity, infidelity, obsessive covetousness, jealousy, resentment, and other. It is the core of sexual addiction and is best treated by multiple approaches including 12-steps, therapy/counseling, spirituality, and overall wholesomeness and virtue.
Gynophilia
"Love of woman" here is mature, virile, ennobling, chivalrous. It is grateful, trusting, tender, fraternal, protective, and reverent.
"Grateful" in that it flows from a prior reception of the maternal as nurturing, comforting, protective. The primal enclosure in the womb, the warmth and comfort of the mothers arms/body/breasts, and the beauty of her smile (Balthasar) leave a memory, a residue of contentment, joy, peace and gratitude.
"Trust" in that this gratitude leaves confidence in the feminine as good, worthy, reliable, stable, life-giving.
"Tender" in that the male reciprocates, unconsciously, the tenderness rendered maternally, in joyful, gentle, physical, chaste intimacy.
"Fraternal" in that the man recognizes (like Adam "...here at last is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh...") in woman (sister, friend, spouse) his equal, his partner in the adventure of life and the mission for the good.
"Protective" in that male testosteronic energy and strength is aroused and surges to care for the woman as precious, fragile and vulnerable.
"Reverent" in admiration of the moral virtues so pronounced in woman: empathy, generosity, welcome, intuition, resilience, self-giving. Beyond that is the deeper intuition into the feminine as receptive of the good, the true, the beautiful and the heavenly...and dispersive of the same.
Gynophilia flows from a mature virility. It flourishes with the (more or less) successful completion of the masculine itinerary: from mother to father in the oedipal passage, to the peer group of brothers, to secondary father figures (priests, coaches, mentors, role models) and into solitude with our heavenly father. It surges all the more when the father beholds the splendor of the femininity of his own daughters or surrogate daughters.
Overcoming Femomania
For many of us, the condition of femomania is not entirely curable in this life. Recall that dying King David, no longer able to generate body heat, even with blankets, was comforted and kept warm by the beautiful young Abishag. The Bible explicitly states that it was a chaste, non-sexual relationship. In light of David's sexual/romantic history, he probably suffered severe femomania. This relationship, however, seems innocent. Like an infant, he was comforted in his dotage and infirmity by a comforting, life-giving young beauty.
The road for recovery from femomania into profound, fierce, pure gynophilia is exhilarating and promising, even if the end point is distant. Key aspects:
1. Leaning deeply, passionately into all gynophilic relationships: spousal, family, friends. For example, when triggered by lust, obsession or romantic fantasy, the best immediate move is to pray for the woman desired: this transfigures her from an idol, an object of desire, into a person, with needs, sufferings, vulnerabilities and infinite dignity.
2. Strong, fraternal, reverent, intimate, affectionate friendships with other men. With emotional needs met by such wholesome relationships, there is less desperate craving for the feminine.
3. Bringing the need, the loss, the inner sadness immediately to our Lord in prayer. My favored prayer: "I come to you as a poor man, in need of your mercy and in need of your love." Devotion to our Blessed Mother is key. A good prayer: "My mother, I place myself under the veil of your purity and your holiness, your tenderness, your beauty and your love." Likewise helpful is closeness to St. Joseph, the iconic gynophile.
4. Cultivating an aversion to sexual impurity. It is good to despise sin. Hundreds of times I have confessed or confided failures in chastity and hundreds of times received absolution and pardon, reassurance, that I am loved and worthy and that honest confession is salutary. Rarely, I have received absolution with something more helpful: a subtle repugnance at unchastity. It is not that I am myself shamed. Rather, the message is: "Are you kidding me? The grace of God in your life, your identity in Christ, your marriage and family, your mission in life and your role in the community....Would you risk destroying all of this by dallying, even for a second, even only in fantasy, with impurity?" It is good to despise sin. Concretely, the first manifestation of the sadness of femomania must be responded to by a firm, immediate renunciation of the impulse to sin; by a movement to God in petition and in intercession for the object of desire.
Conclusion
If misogyny/femomania is the slavery of Egypt, gynophilia is the Promised Land. Gynophilia...tender reverence for mother, spouse, daughter, friend... is constitutive of noble virility. Conjoined with filial loyalty to father/fathers/Father, fraternity, and paternal care, it is the way we men, in Christ, glorify the Holy Trinity, in work and deed and love.
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