Mentorship is a specific friendship in which two share in some endeavor but one, usually older, is more advanced and therefore guides, corrects, encourages and sponsors the mentee. It is a one-on-one, exclusive friendship, not unlike romance, so that the two attain a degree of intimacy. In this it differs from teacher or coach as both these instruct a group. While there are formal "mentorship programs," normally the friendship arises spontaneously, organically, serendipitously. More often, the mentor initiates as he sees potential in the younger one who is largely unaware of it. But it is self-chosen by both. It is temporary and transitional, as the mentee eventually achieves maturity in the field and so becomes equal in the friendship. It is a hybrid relationship: like normal sibling love or friendship, but there is a quasi-paternal/maternal element of authority and docility.
I suspect many live and die entirely unmentored. It is not a necessity of life. I entered adulthood, graduating college at the age of 22, aware of only one mentor. I grew up surrounded by uncles and aunts, older cousins, and hundreds of teachers (laity, Sisters of Charity, Christian Brothers, Diocesan/Maryknoll/Jesuit priests) . None were for me a mentor. I was never coached as I did not play organized sports. In my work life I fended for myself without mentors. As oldest son of nine children I was accustomed to being older brother. In my UPS supervision career of 25 years there was no mentor: the managers above my level were aggressive, competent men but insecure in their own position and therefore lacking in generosity to us below them. As director of a residence for women I knew no one who had done this before so I found my own way. One exception: in the catechesis of the young, I did enjoy one womentor.
These days, approaching my 79th birthday, I marvel at how blessed I was, mostly in early adulthood, by a number of such mentoring relationships. Almost all were younger than my own parents, 5-20 years older than me, the "silent generation." These assisted me, not in a career, but the three fundamental foci of my life: prayer, catechesis of the young, and companionship with the poor. They fall into two categories: spiritual directors and big brother/sisters.
Spiritual Directors
This is a strong Catholic practice, common in priestly and religious life, but more rarely among the laity. It is a form of counseling which focuses primarily on one's relationship with God and prayer life, but inevitably reaches into practical and personal areas of significance, including vocation, ministry and sin. Often the director is also confessor although they can be separated. In the years since the Council increasingly lay people seek and some even are trained in direction. It is especially appropriate for those with an intense spiritual life, who require more direction and correction than is normal.
Direction is an option, but not at all normative for the Catholic laity. In this it resembles much of the rich banquet of Catholicism: pilgrimages, retreats, devotions, rosaries, novenas, men-or-women prayer or Scripture groups, sacramentals, icons, conferences, associations, movements and other available but not obligatory practices.
In my college seminary days we were assigned a spiritual director whom we would see once or twice a year. These I recall as entirely inconsequential. That we were assigned was not a good idea. At the time Rogerian counseling was in fashion and our directors typically sat, waited for our input, and offered little or no direction. A plain, steady life like mine did not elicit energy in direction. It was an awkward, tiresome exercise, although the priests were often good, holy men.
In early adulthood, I associated with Jesuits, the experts in direction by virtue of the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius, the gold standard of direction. And so, I got into the habit; I have been blessed by a litany of directors:
Fr. Neil Doherty S.J. 1972-4. My department head when I taught religion at Jesuit Xavier H.S. NYC, he was typical of many Jesuits of his generation: Irish, quiet, modest, intelligent, educated, holy, humble.
Fr. Paul Viale 1975-80. A dear, close friend; a priest in the Catholic Charismatic Prayer Group in Christ the King, Jersey City; Paul was a most holy, decent, gentle, humble, delightful priest.
Fr. Tim Tighe C.P.S. (Passionate) 1990-93). Gifted, dynamic preacher; quite a character; very familiar with the 12 steps, including the codependency part. He said he never lived anywhere (family, seminary, many rectories, etc.) where there was not an alcoholic. A "maverick priest": insightful, energetic, quirky, interesting.
Fr. John Wrynn S.J. 1980-89, 1995-2018). Irishman and Jesuit; an erudite historian; gentle, refined, holy. He led me through the Spiritual Exercises in daily life. To confess and receive absolution from him was to be transposed from earth to heaven!
Fr. John Wassel 2026-current. Actually a few years younger than me, he is also a charismatic of many years. Another man of prayer, humble, gentle, wise.
Normally the directee initiates the relationship by asking for direction. A good director (like a therapist) is not easy to find as it requires: holiness, wisdom, theological erudition, and compatibility with the one receiving direction. The session might be one hour perhaps once monthly. The content is generated from the directee.
Big Brother and Big Sister
Lacking a big brother and sister biologically, I have delighted in these friendships. In contrast to spiritual direction, these involve no formal agreement, but emerge organically, fluidly, happily.
Pat Williams 1966-69. Layman, father/husband, librarian, pugilist, Marine, autodidact, catechist, insightful student of culture, Pat befriended and had a tremendous influence on me.
Sister Maria Martha Joyce 1972-6. Partner in teaching religion in St. Mary's HS, Jersey City, she was a dear friend, tons of fun, another salty character, prone to temper tantrums and so a good disciplinarian, Sister of Charity of Convent Station.
Sister Virginia Keane 1973-8. Another Sister of Charity, Convent Station, bright, confident, assertive, she lived in the housing projects and took me in as junior partner in service of the poor.
Sister Patricia Brennan 1973-80. A third Sister of Charity, she is the closest I have seen to St. Paul, missionary and evangelist. She led group of women who brought Charismatic Renewal to Jersey City. She was our teacher but took a direct, mentoring interest in each of us.
John Rapinich 1973-2014. My little/big brother (I was his big/little brother); my best friend ever. We met in Charismatic Prayer Group. He lived in our house as brother and uncle to our kids. Artist, friend of beatniks Ginsburg and Kerouac, another insightful autodidact. Precious friend and brother.
Brother Ray Murphy 1984-current. Brother of the Christian schools, fine history and religion teacher, holy and humble, role model and another little/big brother.
Sister Joan Noreen 2005-2022. Foundress of Our Lady's Missionaries of the Eucharist, an outstanding teacher on the spiritual life, she was for us teacher and mentor.
Rev. Cindy Wilcox 2024-5. Presbyterian minister, she is about 20 years younger than me but my mentor as she welcomed us into volunteer hospital chaplaincy. She opened up a new vista of ministry in the hospital by modeling how to witness to God's love, free of any religious trappings that might not attract. She brought me to the psychiatric ward where we offer sessions on spiritual care, much like the 12-steps. I would accompany her 6 AM on cold winter mornings in the ER overflowing with homeless folks as she easily engaged them in conversation and was soon praying with them, so fluidly and comfortably. This was a very unexpected (at my age, late 70s), delightful relationship.
Conclusion
It is remarkable that of the 8 mentors, 4 happened in early adulthood, in the 1970, my 20s. Three were Sisters of Charity: one guided me in prayer and the life of the Holy Spirit, one in service of the poor, one in catechesis of the young. It makes sense: if you are career-free and interested in these three arenas, who dominates the fields? Women. Later in life, I was again mentored in the spiritual life by Sister Joan and in ministry to the afflicted by Rev. Cindy. So 5 of the 8 were women; and so I have coined the word "womentor." I am deeply indebted to these five women, as well as many others (including Dominican and Felician sisters) with whom in later years I have shared friendship and mission. Blessed am I among women!
I invite you, Dear Reader, to consider those who have personally guided and inspired you over the years, as we surge with Joy and Gratitude to be surrounded by such a cloud of witnesses!
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